- A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time ! Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows ! ******************************************************************************* And more... Undocumented error-codes in Windows 95 Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Micro$oft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet: WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute. WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost. WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available. Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright (C) 1995 - 1997 Creative Element.  " " - ( ) . - (.), - (.) , ... .: ! , . . . -! - . -! - . - ! . - ? , , - - - ! . : , , , , , - . - . - ? , , - - . - ! , . - ? . -, . - , , -? . - , . . : , , , , , - . - .  "Ok" AP> , AP> "Ok", AP> "", AP> "" .. .. :-) ... : 1. "!" 2. "?" 3. "!" 4. "!" 5. " 1Dh " 6. "!" 7. "!" 8. - "!" 9. "!" 10. "!" 11. "Alt-H" 12. "Reset" 13. ;) "..." YuN.  http://yun.complife.net/ , , . - , ... : " !" , : ! BBS', .  . . - .. - , .. From: "Sadykov V A" Newsgroups: relcom.humor Subject: [News] . ... CD?! ! ... ?! ?! ? ? ? ! - , ! - ... ! ? Windows? ! win ? Alt-F4! UNIX ? ? Control, Shift - ... 16 ? ? F8 - Copy? ? ? ? . Reset... ? ? ? ? - F8!   , , ... ( JunkFAX National Semiconductor) DOS , , , . . QEMM DOS, . Mac , , , , . , - , , , , . OS/2. , , 10 , . , , , , -- , . - , , , -- , . Windows , , , . . Win NT , , . , , . UNIX , , , . Mach (NeXT generation ;) . , , , , . , . , , . , , . , , , . Newton 18 . . , . , , , , .  . . 1. . 2. . 3. , , " , , ! $29.99 !" 4. , . , , , . 5. " ". 6. , , . -: ", , . . ." 7. .   27 3 . 10000 , . . . -- . . - 100 . . . . - . , , primary dns-, gateway- . , . -- , - (. - ). . . - . , . -- - . . IP-, MX- /dev/null. , . 3 . . , . , BGP, OSPF sendmail.cf. -- . - , . . . . CS2511. . FreeBSD 2.1. . . - . . . INN newsserv. -- - /var. . -- - Pentium. - , ZIF-. -- M9. . . , . kill-file. . . . , . EUNET. -- . . DNS. expire - . mci . IOS. . . GL -. c uucp , . , . -- . x x x : - . . ...   From: Alexey Zubanov Newsgroups: relcom.humor 1-, PCS Corporation Publishing Division Moscow -1991- . PCS Corporation, -2 - . . : , () (Gannibal Co.), ( ), , , , , -2 - 1991. . 2 . - Norton Commander -- ! - , Stream Tracker ... " " . , . !!! - ? - Turbo ++ i - i. i (.) , . . , , . . , . - !!! ... - ? - , . Reset ... , . , . . . , . - , - 1024 , - - 1024 ? - !!! . (: .) , , . ( ) , . , Enter "". 'Escape' Ctrl+Alt+Del' . , ' ... , ?! , , !!! - ?! - !!! - , , , FAT' ! - - ... - , ! , UnErase ! - , , - ! - - ! - hacker, fucker ! - ... ! - - ?! Borland C++ Turbo Basic ? - Turbo Pascal ! , ! ... - ?! !!! - ! , Editor - ! - , ! ? ?! ! ! ... ... - , DEC IBM ! - , Cray ! - , ! - ------ ... !!! - ... - ... - ? - - - 0 , , . - i, i ! - ! - , i ! i ! - ! , ! - ! ! - , ?!! - ...... !!! - ? - 720 ... - 2 360. - ? - . - , ' . - ? - ? - . . , . , ... , - . , . , , , ! 19 6 Wing Commander Sectrem Mission 2, Diger Secret Mission 2000 .  Win/95 , ? , , - , . , . , - . , . 1. : , , -, , , . 2.  : .1; . , . 3.  95- : .1; 95- . . 4.  : .3; 6- . 5. : , , , , ; . , . 6. : , ; .5. . 7. : , , - . . 8. : , . 9. : , . 10. : , . 11. : , , , . 12. : , , , , , LINES. 13. : , , , . 14.  : .13; . 15. : , , , , -, , . , . 16. : , , , , . , ( ). 17. : , , . 18. : , , .   , . p Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried * 10 - New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows 3.1.pl95. * 9 - His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in his sleep, not just laying there. * 8 - Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland. * 7 - Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's. * 6 - Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could defeat the GPL. * 5 - 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't. * 4 - Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little anti-trust between friends." * 3 - Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth Torvalds" * 2 - Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X" * 1 - He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP ME SAVE MY ASS!" Brian A. Lantz(brian@lantz.com) Last updated: March 1, 1995 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does god know unix? Take your time to understand this riddle. This is the funniest message I have ever read. GOD ONLINE ************************ In the beginning there was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #Enter user id. :God #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. :Technocrat * #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create light #Done :Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create firmament #Done. :Run firmament #And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land #Done. :Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create sun_moon_stars #Done :Run sun_moon_stars #And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. :Create fish #Done :Create fowl #Done :Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. :Create cattle #Done :Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Move man to Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. :Insert man into woman #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill #Done :Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good, evil #Done :Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. * #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. :Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. :Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. :Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. To Igor Roshchin's homepage. God as programmer Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Q: Does God know everything? A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase. Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant. Q: What is the role of sinners? A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. Q: Where will I go after I die? A: Onto a DAT tape. [At least its not an 8mm tape.] Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe? A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion? A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: Is God angry that we crucified him? A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder. Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email. Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail? =*= To Igor Roshchin's homepage.   . . . . ( ). . . . . . . , , . . . . - . . . . .  Microsoft Windows BS Extr - Microsoft Corporation - Microsoft Windows BS Extra. MS Windows 3.0 3.1, Microsoft Corporation . 165 - , 32 , i486 . - Microsoft Windows BS Extra - , , - - , , , , . , , , , "Ok", - , , . , (double), (triple) (quadruple) . . , , - , - . , , . , - . , - , , - . Microsoft Windows BS Extra SVGA card, 256 , - - 16- - ! : , - , . , ASCII, . , , , - , Microsoft Corporation - , , , - . - Microsoft Corporation, - . - - , - Microsoft Windows BS Extra! Microsoft Corporation. - , Microsoft Corporation! : , - Microsoft Corporation . , Microsoft Windows BS Extra, , 392 . , Microsoft Windows BS Extra IBM Symantec ( ), . - , Microsoft Windows BS Extra. - MSDOS, - . , , - Microsoft Corporation, Windows , . " - " - Microsoft Corporation. Windows NT UNIX', Microsoft Windows BS Extra, Microsoft Corporation , . , BS "Big Shit" (" "), .  :-)  :) (:-) :-) ;-) :-> >:-> >;-) :-| :-< =-) ! 8-) ... :-/ ... :-S :-& X-) ! :-( ... B-) ^:-) %-) ... -) :*) :-O :-* :-P :<) ... [:] (" ...") <|-) <|-(  . :-) . - , Unix - . ;-) . / - . " , ". :-( . , , -. :-I . , , . :-> - . :-) >:-> - . >;-> . - . ... : (-: %-)