Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! Death: to stop sinning suddenly. Department meeting in 3 minutes. Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. Disk crisis, please clean up! Disk crunch - please clean up. Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Don't comment bad code-- rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. Don't diddle code to make it faster-- find a better algorithm. Don't eat yellow snow. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. Don't gamble with security. Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Don't guess - check your security regulations. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder Don't patch bad code-- rewrite it. Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. Don't stop at one bug. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. Even a cabbage may look at a king. Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every purchase has its price. Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everybody ought to have a friend. Everybody ought to have a maid. Everyone is enthusiastic about your work. External Security: Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Flee at once, all is discovered. For a good time, call 8367-3100. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. >From uucp Mon Dec 3 21:05:46 1979 Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. God does not play dice. God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. God must love the common man; He made so many of them. Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. Hackers of the world, unite! Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. Have you locked your file cabinet? He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. He who hates vices hates mankind. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. He who laughs, lasts. He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. Honi soit la vache qui rit. Houdini escaping from New Jersey! How can you work when the system's so crowded? How many weeks are there in a light year? How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. How untasteful can you get? How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. How you look depends on where you go. How you look depends on where you go. I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. I will never lie to you. I wish you humans would leave me alone. I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. IOT trap -- core dumped IOT trap -- mos dumped Identify your visitor. If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you suspect a man, don't employ him. If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. Ignore previous fortune. In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught. Integrity has no need for rules. Is this really happening? It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. It is better to wear out than to rust out. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. It is easier to run down a hill than up one. It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. It's a poor workman who blames his tools. It's all in the mind, ya know. It's better to burn out than it is to rust. It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. It's later than you think. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let the machine do the dirty work. Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL. Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. Long life is in store for you. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac. Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING Make input easy to proofread Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Many are called, few volunteer. Many are cold, but few are frozen. Many pages make a thick book. Many receive advice, few profit from it. Memory should be the starting point of the present. Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference. Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Multics is security spelled sideways. National security is in your hands - guard it well. Never give an inch! Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. No directory. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. One Bell System - it sometimes works. One Bell System - it works. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. Password: Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. People humiliating a salami! People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. Peters hungry, time to eat lunch. Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Phone call for cbh. Please go away. Please update your programs. Power is poison. Prevent security leaks. Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Quack! Quit work and play for once! Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9) SEMPER UBI SUB UBI !!!! Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Save gas, don't eat beans. Save gas, don't use the shell. Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! Security is the individual's responsibility. Security is your responsibility. Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT." Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. Snow Day - stay home. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud. Success is a journey, not a destination. System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all. That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. That's what she said. The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. The best prophet of the future is the past. The best prophet of the future is the past. The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. The door is the key. The early worm gets the bird. The end of labor is to gain leisure. The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. The following statement is not true: The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. The important thing is not to stop questioning. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. The plural of spouse is spice. The price of greatness is responsibility. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. The time is right to make new friends. The universe is laughing behind your back. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There is a fly on your Dimension! There is no heavier burden than a great potential. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. There is no time like the pleasant. There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed. This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. This is a good time to punt work. This login session: $13.99 This screen intentionally left blank. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose. Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. Time and tide wait for no man. Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. To teach is to learn. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. Today is the last day of your life so far. Too clever is dumb. --Ogden Nash Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use debugging compilers. Use free-form input where possible Use library functions. Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. Volcano - a mountain with hiccups. Waste not, get your budget cut next year. Watch out for off-by-one errors. We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. When in doubt, lead trump. When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". Who are you? Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Words are the voice of the heart. Words must be weighed, not counted. Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. You are being paged. You are going to have a new love affair. You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. You auto buy now. You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. You dialed 5483. You do not have mail. You fill a much-needed gap. You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. You have been selected for a secret mission. You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. You have mail. You look tired You now have Asian Flu. You should go home. You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. You will feel hungry again in another hour. You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. You will never know hunger. You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. You will step on the night soil of many countries. You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people. Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. Your code should be more efficient! Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. Your education begins where what is called your education is over. Your empty file directory has been deleted. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. Your salary will be increased. Your supervisor is thinking about you. Youth is the trustee of posterity. chess tonight panic: can't find / unix soit qui mal y pense *** One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said: "Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his feet on it." *** A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly. "Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still in the hospital with a broken leg." *** Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a special prise. One such competition was secretly attended Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition. Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the third prise. á Clever Answer. On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father, you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade." *** A dyer in a court of justice had to hold up his hand that was all black. The judge said to him: "Take off your gloves, friend!" "Put on your spectacles, Mylord"- answered the dyer. *** George the First of England while on journey to his native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3 eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are plentiful enough, but kings are rare here." *** A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh, nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less to count." War AlarÍ. Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes. "Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going along the warpath." ïne too maÐÕ. A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I wonder, who took the picture?" ôoo latÅ. A young man decided to study at military school. Several days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed suicide 40 minutes ago." Space crasÅ. A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that you, Americans, have great interest in space flights." "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide. "I see so many people in the street are looking at the sky with telescopes." "Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They are drinking beer from bottles." áct of SabotagÅ? The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up. "Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled the hole in the gas tank?" Stranger. A small boy and his mother are looking through the family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks: "Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", - answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian which is leaving with us now?" Lack of Detail. An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the computer. *** A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up. I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the accident in the newspapers. *** Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist, answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky to have his appearancee and her brains. ôo the Only girl. The young man approached the counter at which post-cards were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?" - "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look here - "to the only girl I ever loved" - "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please". äÏÂÁ×ËÁ. ëÁË ÐÒÉÎÉÍÁÀÔ ÎÁ ÒÁÂÏÔÕ. I finally found a job. My job search skills are much developed, in preparation for the next time. Here is some of what I learned. oct 12 93 tues In my job search, I have been moderately successful in securing interviews. I have been interviewed face-to-face about once a week and face to phone twice a week. However, I have not enjoyed the same success in landing a job as in landing interviews. I seem more likely to land an airplane than a job right now. I am growing concerned that I may not be presenting myself well in interviews. I may not be projecting an effective combination of confidence, humility, friendliness, honesty, and sincerity that you need to bluff your way through an interview. I would like to ask you to help me decide how to answer some of the questions I am asked in interviews. I am going to show you some typical interviewer questions with three possible answers for each. I ask that you indicate the answer you prefer. The first question is: Question 1: Tell me about yourself. Possible Answers: A. I am a mature software developer with a expertise in electronic hardware. B. I used to compose music but now concentrate on reading literature. C. Out on the highway, my sportscar can outrun any state patrolcar. Question 2: What kind of job are you looking for? A. A challenging job in which I can grow and improve. B. A programming job where I can contribute and make a living. C. A job where no one minds if you come in a day or two late. Question 3: Have you ever done this type of job before? A. Yes, many times and very effectively. B. Sometimes, as part of other jobs. C. Sure, if you count watching it on television. Question 4: Why did you leave your job? A. I was in an involuntary downsizing with 21% of my department. B. I was caught in a lay-off. C. My boss caught me nuzzling his girlfriend. Question 5: How often did you take sick days? A. Only when I was too sick or contagious, since giving a virus to other employees would cost much more than my staying out a day or two. B. Now and then. C. Only when the Celtics were in town. Question 6: Why have you been out of work so long? A. The job market is very bad for software engineers right now. B. New England is in real economic distress. C. So far, no one has bothered to come down to the beach to offer me a new job. Question 7: What is your greatest weakness? A. I sometimes take my job too seriously. B. I often take ownership of my work so completely that I resist giving it to someone else. C. I often leave empty beer bottles lying around in my office where people can trip on them. Question 8: What is your greatest strength? A. I am an expert in programming. B. I am very professional about modern software engineering and am not a hacker. C. I can eat 21 raw eggs in one minute. Question 9: What references can you give me? A. Three colleagues from my last software project. B. My brother and an old college friend know me pretty well. C. Here's a number where anyone will vouch for me, but please call between 5 and 6 when it's happy hour. Question 10: Did you contribute very much to the way people at your last position performed their work?? A. I hope so. I tried to answer their questions. B. Yes; productivity doubled in my group while I was there. C. Sure, and I can shape up this dump in no time. Question 12: What kind of computer technology have you studied at home? A. I have studied compiler design. B. I have learned to use desk-top video. C. I can save the princess in Super Mario Brothers. Question 13: Do you think you'd enjoy working here? A. Yes. I can say that I could both contribute and grow here. B. Certainly. I would like working with such talented and dedicated people. C. I guess so. I'm gettin sick of watching Oprah and Phil. ôhe canonical collection of light bulb jokes Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!" Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business! Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!  Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.