"You ruined a great moment." "It was hardly MGM," pointed out Arthur, none too happy about covering the back, as the last man always got jumped by the Indians. "Okay, okay, guys," said Zaphod, putting his heads together. "Let's do some brainstorming." "We'd be lucky if you could muster a light drizzle, Zaphod." Ford felt quite proud of that one. "Shush," said Zaphod, closing his eyes in a poor attempt to look like he was concentrating. "Ideas, guys, ideas. Arthur?" "Well if we have to disable the computer," he started, unsure as to whether he would be able to finish. "When we reach the computer, couldn't we just pull the plug?" "Come on, Arthur," sighed Ford. "We're not dealing with a 13 amp three pin here." "Well you asked," said Arthur. "We all make mistakes," said Zaphod. "Ford?" "We could plug Marvin into it," offered Ford. "Get him to do his version of 'Reasons to be Miserable'. That would destroy anything." "Possible back up but not spectacular enough," mused Zaphod. "How does this sound? We enter the ventilation system and crawl through the pipes until we reach the computer suite. Then we swoop! We swing down on ropes, screaming in from the sun, well, fluorescent lighting, then pow! Boom! Bang! Swoosh! Kerrang! Bash! Smash! Crunch! A couple more pows and one final boom! Guns ablazing, we destroy the databanks, scorch the CPU and terminate the terminals. Now that's what I call debugging! Strategists will re-enact it for eons to come. 'Zaphod Computer Killer Kits' will be available from all good stockists. Kids will walk around wearing tee shirts emblazoned with 'Now that's what I call debugging' and 'Zaphod say debug, don't do it'. I'll make a fortune." "Where do we get the ropes?" Asked Arthur. "I don't see any here." "And if we did have them, where do we tie them to when we swoop?" Furthered Ford. "Do we say 'Excuse me, computer suite guards, could you just look the other way for five minutes while we tie our ropes up so we can do a surprise swooping attack?' Very plausible." "Boom, pow, no mercy, death to the diodes, murder those microchips...." Zaphod paused, stopped swiping his fist into the palm of one of his other hands, looked at Ford and Arthur then dropped his heads. He lowered his voice to it's most disappointed level. "Okay, we'll use Marvin. Where is he?" CHAPTER 54 Marvin was wandering. Not a happy, joyful stroll, more a sort of morose meander. Nevertheless, he had a purpose. On the basis of the information he had gained from his limited conversation with Zaphod, Ford and Arthur, he decided to do an improbability sum. He knew where they had been due to a particle analysis test he ran on meeting them again to pass the time. He knew where he was, because he was that sort of robot. He linked his mind modem into Eddie on the Heart of Gold to assess the ship's speed, weight, improbability velocity, relative journey time in nanoseconds, molecular reabsorbtion during flight and the general mood the ship was in during the trip to Sirius. To this he added his knowledge of improbability physics, the space vector correlation, wind factors, quasi-social and semi-structural effects data from previous flights and the general mood he was in. To this he subtracted 42, divided the remainder by the square root of -l and related his answer to the floor layout of the initiative test. He knew that the total opposite of calculated position was where he wanted to go. The room to which Marvin was heading was locked from the outside, much to the annoyance of it's occupants. They had tried everything they could think of with the candle, box of matches and blank piece of paper they had been left. Lighting the candle with the matches only lit the candle and trying to push the key out with the matches to catch on the piece of paper pushed under the door had no effect. The key was a dud anyway. Trying to burn the door down showed desperation and was doomed from the start but supplied some excuse to vent anger. The same applied to trying to kick down the door. "There must be a logical solution," said Fenchurch. "Why?" Asked Bolo. "There's no logical explanation as to why we ended up here, is there?" "Well it's all very improbable," sighed Trillian. "So I imagine the men had something to do with it as they were using the Heart of Gold tonight." "Why don't we try burning the matches and writing a note on the paper with the burnt sticks, slip it under the door and perhaps someone will see it," said Fenchurch. "It's worth a try," said Trillian. "No it's not," said Marvin as the door slid open to a jovial 'happy service'. "Marvin!" Cried Trillian. She flung her arms around him. "Are we glad to see you." "No you're not," sulked Marvin. "We are," said Fenchurch. "We thought we'd be stuck here for days." "How did you open the door?" Asked Trillian. "Simple," said Marvin. "I said 'Macaroni'." "Is that logical?" Asked Fenchurch. "Look," started Marvin, making it perfectly clear he didn't want to. "If you had held the paper over the candle lit by the matches, then the word 'Macaroni' would have appeared." "I take it this is the Marvin you told me about," said Bolo. "Well it sounds like him," said Trillian. "Marvin, I thought you were, er....." "Yes, so did I," moaned Marvin. "Come on, we've got work to do." CHAPTER 55 Zaphod, Ford and Arthur were in a long hallway with a door at the end and one either side of them. Their search for Marvin had been fruitless. "Where on Betelgeuse is that robot?" Asked Ford. "Perhaps he's behind one of these doors," said Arthur in his best 'I'll offer a solution but someone else can follow it up type voice. "Only one way to find out," said Zaphod as he raised his Neutron-Breaking Desolation Ray Gun. A roar reminiscent of a Disaster Area power chord overwhelmed Ford's cries of disagreement. The door at the end of the corridor wasn't any longer. However, making quite an impressive replacement for it was a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal. Zaphod and Arthur felt considerably more threatened by that than they did by the door. Zaphod disappeared through the door to Ford's right, Arthur through the door on Ford's left. "Don't run," yelled Ford to two slammed doors. He quickly threw his towel over his head, having read many years ago in the Guide that the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal is so stupid, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you. The beast brushed past Ford disappointed at losing its prey so quickly. Ford thanked his lucky stars and galaxies that for once the Guide wasn't hypocriful or wildly misleading. Arthur found himself in a long thin corridor. Above him were four huge green girders and above these was an ominous void. Arthur held his gun firmly in his hand, or as firmly as his sweaty palms would allow. He looked up between two of the girders and to his horror saw rows of coloured creatures forming above him. In panic he took a pot shot at them and to his surprise he hit one. The creature disappeared, but there was another right on top of the recently created space. Arthur's pot shot obviously angered the creatures because they all started scuttling to the right in unison and firing back. Arthur dived under a girder. Drawing a deep breath, he leapt between two girders and fired furiously at the creatures, watching for the counter fire. The creatures kept changing their direction and dropping closer to the girders. Arthur was so overjoyed at clearing a column, he didn't notice the lightening bolt until it was too late. He was sent flying. As soon as he scrambled to his feet, the creatures started firing again. Arthur noticed the bolts were eating into his protective girders and the creatures were getting lower. He decided to give up on the passing space ships. He had hit one by mistake and all that happened was that the number 200 appeared in the void. Arthur didn't have the time to ponder the significance of this. He just kept on firing. Zaphod, meanwhile, found himself in a zoo. At least that's what he thought it was. He was standing by a glass cage looking at four curious animals. They looked like mutated octopi, with short stubby tentacles that they used to move around on. Zaphod looked around. "No other animals," he thought. "Shoddy zoo really." The rest of the area looked like a maze but an easy one because he could see no dead ends. There was a weird underfloor lighting system that had lights about every two feet. "Definitely a zonko designer. And this awful music." Zaphod obviously touched someone's nerve, for the cage door sprang open and the animals streamed out after him. His legs reacted faster than his brain, having predicted the usual message. Zaphod was right about the zonko designer. The underfloor lighting seemed to 'short' each time one of Zaphod's feet pounded nearby. He could only see two exits and headed for the nearest one, only to find that the entrance to one was the exit to the other. This was geometrically impossible as they were opposite to each other, but Zaphod didn't have time to let this concern him. The animals were closing in on him like market researchers in the high street. Zaphod turned left at a T-junction by a wall only to find himself in a corner, with two animals coming at him from each direction. By the time he got his Heat-Seeking Davy Knife out, he was leapt upon by the animals, which proceeded to kick the proverbial out of him with their stubby tentacles until he passed out. When he came around, he was outside the cage. He stood up and rattled the animal's cage, which was enough for them to escape again. Zaphod's legs went into automatic. Arthur was doing reasonably well. He had been hit again but gamely got up and had reduced the creatures down in numbers to two. These two had doubled their speed and were now skimming across the tops of the girders. Arthur stood under what was left of one girder and waited. As they passed he leapt out, blasted one and leapt back before the other one could fire back. Arthur now stood in the open. One on one seemed a lot fairer. He raised his gun slowly and pointed upwards. The creature zoomed above as Arthur's first shot disappeared into the void. The second shot didn't miss. The door at the end of the corridor swung open and light flooded in. Arthur blew away the imaginary smoke from the top of the gun and walked into the light. Zaphod was doing a bit better. He had found some brighter lights that turned the animals blue with fear when he ran over them. He could squash the animals when they were blue, and took great pleasure in doing so. This in turn made him a bit cocky, he stood still and teased the animals, running over a bright light just when they thought they had him. Pretty soon he had darkened the majority of the area and had even squashed some fruit some idiot had left in his path. He had one light to go and stood by it proudly as the animals homed in on him once more. "Sorry, suckers," he gloated as he stomped on the light. The animals disappeared, as did the cage and the inner walls. All that was left was an open door. Ford walked through the doorway that once contained a very ambitious door. This door had designs on becoming an MD's door and had even made a few tentative enquiries about oak panelling. However, a trigger-happy Zaphod had put paid to these aspirations and subjected the door to a lifetime career as sawdust, some of which stuck to Ford's feet as he scattered the nest of the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal with a couple of hearty kicks. Although there was little logic to this as the stupid creature wouldn't be able to find it's way back, acting like a vandal paid off because a trap door was revealed. Ford opened the trap door and looked at the drop of about three metres. It was fairly dark but as there were no other visible exits, Ford threw down his towel to cushion the fall and jumped down. He felt his way around the wall until he found a light switch. As he threw the switch, a holographic recording of an old, grey-haired acquaintance started in the middle of the room. "Hello, prospective employee, I hope you're enjoying this initiative test," said the recording. "As you can see, you cannot return through the trap door because it is out of reach. However, you will be able to pass through the locked door behind you once you have said the password." "Slartibartfast, what are you doing here?" Asked Ford. "That's not the password," said Slartibartfast. The image flickered. "We were asked to build this planet and as I designed this section, and as I had experience at this sort of thing, I was asked to do some recording." "How come you can answer me?" Asked Ford, puzzled. "That's not the password." The image flickered again. "Interactive holography. Many, many answers have been recorded and a computer selects an appropriate answer to any questions asked." "That must have taken ages," said Ford, shaking his head. "That's not the password." Flicker. "Weeks and weeks, but the repeat fees are very good." "I suppose I ought to work out this password," sighed Ford. "Let me pass?" "That's not the password." Arthur was in a large cavernous hall. It looked rather blocky and bland. Some of the blocks moved and fired at Arthur. He hid behind a column and looked around for anything useful. A pair of spectacles was hanging on the pillar. He picked them up and inspected them. They looked ordinary enough apart for some etching on the side. He looked closely and could just make out the inscription 3DFX. He put them on and the blocky hall smoothed out beautifully. The bland walls changed to realistically textured walls and the moving blocks became detailed Marvin lookalikes. Arthur was so stunned by the detail that he almost took a hit. "Hello, we are so delighted to meet you." "What?" Yelled Arthur. "It is our pleasure to serve you." "You were trying to kill me!" "Well, yes, but it would have been our pleasure to serve you prior to death." "Do you have to kill me, serving me with pleasure sounds much better." "That's the rub. We are programmed to serve with a happy disposition and cheery nature. However, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation miscalculated the demand and have had to stockpile us. We have been asked to fill in here at the induction testing. Not really our forte. Service robots are not great killers. We at least like things to be fair. Three against one is hardly sporting, is it?" "I may be able to help there," said Arthur. "Rumplestiltskin," said Ford. "That's not the password." "Magrathea rules okay." "That's not the password." "Slartibartfast rules okay." "That's not the password." "Oh, why don't you get back to your Fjords, you senile old fool and open this door for me," yelled Ford. "That's the password." And with that the hologram disappeared and the door opened. Zaphod was walking along a corridor, poised and ready to run at the slightest sign of danger. There were doors leading off both sides of the corridor but Zaphod wasn't trying any. He had his gun held high, pointing towards the ceiling. This looked very impressive and that's what Zaphod wanted, even though he didn't have anything to back it up with. Suddenly a door opened to his right. His body reacted immediately and he passed out. Ford walked through the doorway and shook his head. "So you will get the other two and bring them back here?" "No problem, you just wait here and I will be back as soon as I can. How do I get out of here?" "Down that slide over there. You will be back soon, won't you?" "Oh yes," lied Arthur. "As soon as I find the others." Arthur slipped into the slide, careered down a dark, winding tunnel and through a panel to land at the feed of Ford and Zaphod, who passed out again. CHAPTER 56 Trillian, Bolo and Fenchurch followed Marvin into the storeroom. "Should we take any of this stuff?" Asked Bolo. "It's rubbish," said Marvin. "All of it. You're supposed to stand in the centre of the room and say 'Emases Nepo'." A doorway appeared out of nowhere in the wall, revealing a tunnel. "That's not logical, is it?" Exclaimed Trillian. "You should try reading the Sirius Cybernetics corporate policy," said Marvin as grinding gears propelled him through the doorway. "So the men have gone the wrong way?" Said Fenchurch. "They can get through another way but that is so depressingly boring and stupid," said Marvin. "Most people go that way. I tried to warn them but they wouldn't listen. Nobody listens to me." "We listen to you," said Bolo. She had studied mechanical stress and depression briefly as part of an engineering degree she kept very quiet about. "We will follow you as well and do what you want...." She looked at the others. "Because we respect you and your opinions. Trillian had told me of your achievements and you deserve recognition." Marvin stopped walking. He also stopped the calculation of retrospective analytical data on predictive inverted ancestry of an ant he had stepped on one million, two hundred and thirty one thousand and two years ago (a task he had undertaken to relieve the boredom before taking the next step). He concentrated his considerable mental abilities on Bolo's words and however hard he tried, he could find no trace of sarcasm or insincerity. He ran it through one more time. The girls waited. "Who am I?" He said. "Marvin," said Trillian, confused. "That's all the recognition I've ever received and all I deserve," said Marvin and trundled off down the tunnel. "Worth a shot," said Bolo. "Nice effort," said Trillian. "I thought you had him for a second." They chased after Marvin. "This next room is one of the programming rooms, " said Marvin. "I need to interface with the initiative test computer to find out where the others are. Don't get into too much trouble." The room they entered wasn't like an aircraft hanger. Aircraft hangers had a cosy, intimate feel compared with this room. Thousands of desks filled the room in perfect symmetry and behind every desk sat a programmer, each busily keying into a terminal built into the desk. The ergonomics of the room were appalling due to the fact that the recently formed Department of Ergonomic Consideration had to be disbanded after a week because the cleaners wanted their broom closet back. The perfect symmetry was broken by one programmer who stood up as he saw Marvin go into the little robot's room. The programmer waved at the three girls and they made their way through the desks until they finally arrived at the desk of Percival Unha. "I'm Percival Unha," he announced, picking up a nameplate from his desk bearing the inscription 'UNHA P.' . "See? Do you know that robot, the one that went in the interface room?" "Yes, he's with us," said Trillian. Percival's voice sounded vaguely familiar to her. "What's his name?" Asked Percival. His voice had all the tonal qualities of a bored foghorn. "That's the second time we've been asked that," said Bolo. "It's Marvin." "That's all the recognition he deserves," moaned Percival. The girls looked at each other, stunned. "I programmed that robot. I built part of my personality into it. Is he a jolly robot?" "Not really," said Fenchurch. "Not much of the time. Well, to be perfectly honest, never really." "Not surprising," said Percival. "I'm not what you would call a bubbly person myself. I was having a rough time when I was programming it. I had one of the first sex cybernauts, you see. My android replica was playing up again, it's no joke. I was terribly, I don't know, pissed off with the whole thing. My heart wasn't in it." "That explains a lot," said Trillian. "Your robot has taken depression to new depths." "I would really like to meet him," said Percival. "I never met him after initial programming, he was whisked away to serve on a new ship, the Heart of Gold." "I'll get him for you," said Bolo, running off to the interface room. "I never thought I'd get this opportunity," said Percival. "We don't get to see any finished products. It was a shame I wasn't a bit more cheerful when I did Marvin, but I only recall being cheerful once, and I didn't waste that on a stupid robot." Bolo brought Marvin through the desks to Percival. "Marvin, this is your creator, Percival Unha," said Trillian, proudly. "Daddy?" Stuttered Marvin. "Marvin," said Percival. Marvin moved forward and embraced Percival. Tears welled up in everyone's eyes. Marvin gripped Percival tighter as Percival sobbed on his shoulder. It may have been a trick of the light, but Trillian was sure she saw a smile on Marvin's face, just before he sent fifty thousand volts through Percival. "That'll teach him to fuck around playing God," said Marvin as he trundled through the smouldering mess that was once Percival. CHAPTER 57 Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had now reached the final room of the initiative test. They had just carefully circumnavigated a large pool of aggressive looking slime, which was perfectly harmless apart from the smell. If they had touched any part of the slime, the smell would have stayed with them for life. As most potential employees couldn't avoid the slime, the Marketing Division came up with the slogan 'You may think our products stink, but you should meet our employees' as a possible replacement for 'Share and enjoy'. The only reasons Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had reached this final room were luck, bad taste and the fact that the initiative test wasn't designed for three people who spent more time arguing about what to do than doing anything at all. Most potential hazards got so bored waiting, they went off to pester someone else. The final room contained two exit doors, a large screen and three weary hitchhikers. "So this is it," said Arthur. "We're going to get out of here." "I told you I'd get you through," said Zaphod. "When?" Asked Ford. "Earlier," said Zaphod. "Didn't I? Well if I didn't, I sure meant to. You should have known you could rely on me." "Rely on you!" Exclaimed Arthur. "That's a bit of a contradiction in terms. It's like saying 'Flat Pack Easy Assembly' or 'Military Intelligence'." "Haven't I given you guidance?" Demanded Zaphod. "Guidance?" Yelled Ford. "Climbing up the wall screaming 'Slime, slime, don't let it touch me' is not my idea of guidance." "Hey! Get offa my case," said Zaphod. "Wasn't it me who discovered the gravity walls around the slime?" "I didn't like the look of that stuff," said Arthur. "It reminded me of stuff on Earth that was put on hamburgers disguised as relish." "And I really relish the thought of getting outta here guys," whined Zaphod. "So can we please get a move on?" As Zaphod spoke, the large screen lit up. An old, balding head wearing glasses appeared. He had the look of a traffic warden with piles. Totally humourless was a very generous description of the look on his face. "You have reached the final room of the initiative test," began the Face. "And your final test. You must decide which of these two doors to pass through, one being an exit door to the offices and the other is a true exit door off this mortal coil in a horrible fashion. I can help you by answering one question about the doors but be warned, I can only say one true sentence and the rest lies or one false sentence and the rest the truth." "Terrific," sighed Ford. The Face remained motionless. "Well?" Asked Zaphod. "Let's have some help, oh happy hologram." "I am an incredible liar." Stated the Face. "Which door is safe?" Asked Arthur. "The left door is perfectly safe," said the Face. "If he said he was a liar then that was the truth, so the right door must be safe," said Arthur, heading towards the door. "Wait!" Yelled Ford. "I'm not sure. If he lied about being a liar, then the left door is perfectly safe. Let's make an effort to get our heads around this concept." "Listen, all I want to get my heads around is a stiff drink, preferably served by a wench with obscene tendencies," said Zaphod. "Let Arthur go." "What?" Shouted Arthur. "I could die!" "You could save the life of the editor of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, man!" Retorted Zaphod. "Get your priorities right. Sheesh, your grip of universal importance is as good as my grip on Eccentrica Gallumbits' bits at this very moment in time. We could both do with taking things in hand a bit more." "Look, petty in-fighting won't help us," said Ford, trying to calm things down. "Why not?" Said Arthur. "That's all this poor excuse for an intergalactic waste disposal unit in reverse seems to show any aptitude for." "Listen pal, if we're talking about aptitude, let me get a banana and see if you can manage to peel it without scratching your arse thinking about it," snarled Zaphod. "Will you two just give it a rest," pleaded Ford. "Let's just devote our energy to solving this problem. Now let's think." CHAPTER 58 Marvin, Trillian, Fenchurch and Bolo had finally reached the main computer room. An imposing oak door barred the way. "Only executives are allowed to enter," said Marvin. "I'll go into a interface room to get us in." "How?" Asked Bolo. "Because he's got the brain the size of a planet," said Trillian. "Beat you to it, Marvin." "I wasn't going to say it anyway," said Marvin. "I was going to say that the executives are as stupid as all other life forms. A digital watch could get in without too much trouble." He went into the interface room. "He seemed to cheer up a bit after he killed Percival," remarked Fenchurch. "Remember he's in a new body," said Trillian. "He's probably found a pleasure circuit and doesn't know what to do with it." They all stared at the door. Nothing happened. Well that wasn't strictly true. The high level of static acid given off by Marvin's attitude was eating its way into the door. The acid gnawed and corroded the helpless door. However, as this was invisible to the naked or even half dressed eye and total corrosion would take 1.347 million years (thirty years short of redecoration which would reverse the process), it would be fair to say that as far as Fenchurch, Bolo and Trillian were concerned, nothing happened. Trillian went over to the interface room, opened the door and was shocked. A female android was spreadeagled on a table, with Marvin perched precariously on top. "Do you mind?" Said Marvin. Trillian muttered a very apologetic apology and shut the door. She was tempted to open the door again just to prove to herself that reality hadn't gone AWOL. After a minute Marvin opened the door and shut it behind him. "Haven't you ever seen a robot interfacing before?" Asked Marvin. Trillian mouth was stuck in neutral but she managed to gesture a negative response. "I'd like to tell you about the bugs and the bytes and explain the difference between male and female interface plugs," said Marvin. "But it's dead boring." "The door's open!" Said Fenchurch. "And life is dull," said Marvin. "Why state the obvious?" What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universes best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it give them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section). Interface - Sex (The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices) Terminals - Breasts Twin floppy disks - Breasts Joystick - Penis (It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people) User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky) Stand alone - Wanker Cluster - Group sex Replication - Conception Firewall - Contraception Handshaking - Foreplay Baud rate - Level of boredom Cursor device - Unwilling partner SCSI - Easy lay USB - Mythological easy lay PEEK - Voyeurism POKE - Sexually inquisitive GOSUB - Oral sex INPUT - Down to business LOAD - Really down to business Full duplex - Frantic lovemaking Syntax error - Premature ejaculation Hyperbolic function - Male orgasm Graphic display - Female orgasm 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.' Arthur, Zaphod and Ford's problem wasn't solved. "Look, if the truth was that he wasn't a liar, then he didn't lie about the left door being safe," said Ford. "Uh?" Was all Zaphod could offer. He was much more content trying to vandalise the screen. "No, no," argued Arthur. "The right door is right, right, because the liar bit wasn't a lie was it!" Just then, what looked like Trillian walked in. "Hey, Babe, whatcha doing here," smoothed Zaphod. He had spent years working on his smoothing and had damn near perfected it. "I'm not your Babe', thank you very much. My name is Cis," said Cis. "I messed up in one of the rooms and ended up looking like this. It's all over." "Shee," said Zaphod. "I'll sue the bastards for copyright on my woman as well." "Well, Cis, it isn't over," said Ford. "If you go through the right door, you will be changed back to what you were before." "Great," said Cis. He walked through the door and was disintegrated. "Ford!" Protested Arthur. "Look, how do you know he wasn't a pile of dust before?" Ford replied and walked through the left door. CHAPTER 59 "Are you sure we are in the right place?" Asked Bolo, looking around at the luscious forest surrounding them. They were in an idyllic clearing by a small crystal clear pond. "This is the main computer room," said Marvin. "It's a new concept in organic computers." "You mean this is a computer?" Asked Trillian. "It's a lot better looking than Eddie." "Arthur would love it," giggled Fenchurch, thinking of time spent in the wooded section of Hyde Park. "It is based on the fact that most life forms feel relaxed in these surroundings," droned Marvin. "They call it 'user friendly', oh, how I hate that term." "But how do we key in information?" Asked Trillian. "You don't," snapped Marvin and broke into song. "I talk to the trees, but they don't listen to me. A spectographic analysis of my voice, is compared to countless voice patterns in memory. "On parity, they listen to me." The girls were stunned into silence. "Well, that's how the adverts were going to run," said Marvin, almost ashamedly. "But they found they wouldn't be able to offer maintenance support. Something to do with there not being enough lumberjacks and gardeners qualified in computer engineering. So they connected the only working model up here and the executives use it to talk to the computers. Give me the days when you could depress a key." "I think it's romantic," said Fenchurch, putting a daisy in her hair. "I wish we could have one on the Heart of Gold," sighed Trillian. "I wish I could throw up," said Marvin. "Thank you Marvin," said Trillian. "Right, we've got to stop this computer instructing the devices to overthrow the Universe. How do we do it, Marvin?" "You want to do it, you work out how to do it." "Okay Marvin, if you want to be like that." Trillian turned her back on him. "I don't want to be like anything," muttered Marvin. "Can you understand us?" Shouted Bolo. "Look!" Said Fenchurch, pointing to the pond. The word 'YES' appeared in the water. "Are you connected up to every Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device in the Universe?" Asked Fenchurch. The word 'YES' reappeared. "And you can instruct them to take over the Universe?" Said Bolo. The word came back again. "If we gave you an irreversible instruction never to communicate with any device every again, would you do it?" Asked Trillian. The pond went blank as this was being considered. I WOULDN T HAVE MUCH CHOICE, I WOULD eventually floated up. "Okay, you must never communicate with another Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device again after you send not this instruction," said Trillian, looking at the others. "Instruct all devices never to carry out any instruction to overthrow the Universe." ALL DEVICES INSTRUCTED AND ALL CONNECTIONS TERMINATED floated up. Trillian didn't realise that she had just committed the computer to a lifetime of celibacy, a bit of a giant blow to a computer with such an active sex life, but she had just saved the Universe. Dark clouds filled the sky and the distant rumblings of thunder echoed around the trees. "I think this would be a good time to leave," said Marvin. "This computer is only half as depressed as I am, but it's still contemplating suicide." A bolt of lightening ripped a nearby tree in half. The frantic charge towards the door suggested everyone agreed with Marvin. They slammed the door behind them. "That wasn't so difficult," said Trillian. "It was easy," said Marvin. "I knew the answer before I 'd even computed the question. However, most idiotic life forms would have resorted to mindless violence after failing to find any logical solution or even forget about the possibility of a second computer communicating with all the devices. Therefore, I admit I am almost not loathed to say I could barely not be unimpressed by your approach." "Oh, Marvin, you say the sweetest things," said Trillian and kissed Marvin on the cheek "That's right, try and rust me," moaned Marvin. Ford, Arthur and Zaphod bounded up "What are you doing here?" Asked Arthur furiously. "Oh, just saving the Universe and that," said Trillian, sweetly. "Is that really you, chick?" Asked Zaphod. "Of course," said Trillian. "Who else could it be?" "A reconstructed pile of dust," said Ford, grinning inanely. "We've disabled the main computer and prevented the SCC from ever overthrowing the Universe using their devices," said Fenchurch, putting her daisy behind Arthur's ear. "You'd have liked it in there." "That's not the point," flustered Arthur. "We were going to save the Universe." "Yeh!" Said Zaphod. "A women's place is behind the cocktail cabinet in the living room." "We almost got killed in there!" Exclaimed Bolo. "Well, I'm all for equal opportunities," said Zaphod. "You have as much right to save the Universe as we did, even if we would have done it with more style." "Look, shouldn't we get a move on before they turn on the alarm and find us," said Bolo. An alarm sounded in the background. "They've turned on the alarm," said Fenchurch. Laser fire blasted a wall behind them. "They've found us," said Arthur. "RUN!" They charged down endless corridors pursued by a bunch of jovial Marvin lookalikes intent on killing them. The robots were very pleasant about it all though, apologising after each shot. Our heroes and heroines are, of course, perfectly safe. Both parties were subconsciously following the strict laws laid down regarding enemy pursuit. These are many and varied, but the main rules are: 1. Pursuers must remain a safe distance from pursuees, but must remain within reasonable shooting distance. 2. Pursuers must be crack shots and may fire unlimited shots at walls, doors and anything else around the pursuees, but NOT directly at pursuees. 3. If a pursuee is shot by accident, the pursuers are penalised by the time it takes for the shot pursuee to convince his partners to continue without him while he tries to hold off the pursuers as long as he can. Once the remaining pursuees have left their fallen partner, he can be killed and the chase restarted in earnest. 4. The pursuees must not turn any corner until they have been shot at, or at least indicated their direction. 5. The corridors must be endless, generally formed in a loop to save on budget. 6. One member of the pursuees must suggest splitting up. "I suggest we split up," yelled Trillian. "If I get hit I will split up!" Yelled Zaphod. "This way," yelled Arthur to Fenchurch, grabbing her hand and pulling her through a doorway. "Split up.... NOW!" Yelled Ford. Trillian and Bolo dashed one way and Ford and Zaphod charged the other way, all of them yelling. Another rule is that all participants must yell. Fenchurch pulled Arthur through a doorway, almost breaking his arm as he intended going the other way. "Shhh," she whispered. Three jovial robots trundled by. "We should be safe here for a while," she eventually said, hoping the robots didn't have super hearing. "I don't want to be safe for a while," said Arthur. "I want to be safe for good." "Aren't you enjoying it?" Asked Fenchurch. "My idea of enjoyment does not include being shot at by an jolly and helpful android." "I know what your idea of enjoyment is. I find all this very exciting. Doesn't it turn you on?" She slipped her arms around his waist. "Er, not really." He could hear the distant sounds of laser fire and apologies. "It's all a bit distracting." Fenchurch did something wonderful to his ear. Arthur succumbed to the notion that if he was going to go, this was the way to do it and Fenchurch really knew how to do it. What they didn't realise was that they were saving their lives as the robots had privacy circuits fitted which sensed arousal and caused the robots to seek another function far away. Zaphod and Ford weren't in any position to initiate any privacy circuits. They were desperately dodging laser fire. Zaphod was throwing himself into somersaults, crashing into walls and various other unnecessary actions that were good for effect. He rounded a corner and saw a sight to warm his heart, mouth and throat. A neon sign saying 'BAR'. "Hey! Was my navigation good or what?" He said as one of his heads almost got a parting from a laser he wouldn't be able to blow dry out. "Quick!" Said Ford, as if it was really necessary to instruct Zaphod on how to enter a bar. They crashed through the doors and into the bar. They landed in a heap on the floor. "We usually end up like this when we leave a bar, not when we enter," said Ford. "This is just like the good old days."