straivaetsya takoj s vidu do- hodyaga za attachem pozhirnee, prokovyrivaet dyrku v upakovke - da i ty- rit na hodu vsyu poklazhu! U attacha-to myslya odna v golove - dobezhat' pobystree, poka on eshche spohvatitsya, chto gruz pokrali, kill-to daleko uzhe budet... Vot i etot iz takovskih byl. Uh, sovsem yazyk otvalivaetsya, podozhdite-ka... Ladna, dalee skazyvat' budyam... Vybral znachitsya kill poganyj sebe attach pozhirnee, szadu pristraivat'sya stal... Zlodejskij svoj grabezh svershat'... Da na ego bedu zaprimetil programmer nash glazasten'kij manevry evonnye da i ponyal, chto k chemu... I sam emu v hvost pristroilsya. I tokma kill protivnyj lapu svoyu skuko- zhennuyu za chuzhim dobrom protyanul kak grohnul ego po lape programmer drukarkoj svoej v boyu ispytannoj! Lapa-to i shrumkalasya... Zavereshchal kill poganyj, proch' brosilsya, da s perepugu na vstrechnuyu polosu vyle- tel, tam-to emu konec i nastal... A attach, programmerom spasennyj, na obochinu srulil, tormoznul tam i davaj pered programmerom v blagodar- nostyah iz®yasnyat'sya... Na nochleg da uzhin v punkte destination svoego zazval, mol tam hozyain shibko hlebosol'nyj, na zagorbok sebe usadil da i pomchal so vseh nog... Vot ono kak byvaet' - ne popadis' sej kill zlovrednyj, dolgo by eshche programmeru nogami-to shmyakat' do domu prishlos' by... Vrode tak, da ne tak, ibo obernulos' proisshestvie eto ne blizhnej, a dal'nej dorogoyu... Oh!!! Nikak mail event probilo?! Tak i est'! Zatrepalsya s vami - mes- sadzhi revut, otsyudova slyshno! Pobegu vypushchu, vernus' - doskazhu! Fu, uspel edva! Dajte piva hlebnut', v gorle peresohlo... Oh, horosho pivo zamorskoe, Tuborg prozyvaet'sya, namedni messadzh pribludilsya s tremya yashchikami... Nu tak vot, domchal attach programmera, hozyainu pro gerojskij podvig vse povyskazal - podivilsya hozyain, v postoyalyj dvor zazval, za stol usa- dil, potchevat' prinyalsya da rassprashivat'... Rasskazal programmer hozya- inu bez utajki vse proisshestviya svoi - zelo hozyain porazhalsi! Tak ves' iz sebya porazhennyj i povel programmera pochivat' ukladyvat'. I durnuyu sluzhbu sosluzhila programmeru hozyajskaya porazhennost' da zabyvchivost'! Ibo v zadumchivosti ulozhil on programmera spat' v OUT-direktorii, i, edva usnul programmer snom krepkim oposlya trudov pravednyh, kak pri- persya v entu samuyu direktoriyu mejl-robot tupovaten'kij da i upakoval vse soderzhimoe (ibo skazano emu bylo - *.*) v prochnyj ZIP da i otpra- vil ves' paket na krepkom attache v kraya chuzhedal'nye... Istinno govoryu vam - bojtes' *.*! Vot tak-to. Prosnulsya nash programmer, glyan' - a mesto-to i neznakomoe vovse, krugom hold messadzhi valyayutsya, bardak, ni edinoj zhivoj dushi... Koe-kak iz ZIP'a vybralsya, vstal, komputer svoj podobral, vokrug posha- ril - nashel meshok krepkij s lyamkami, rukzak prozyvaetsya, zataril v ne- go komputer - da i poshel sebe naruzhu... Na dorogu vyjdya, uzrel stolb verstovoj/ ukazatel'nyj, glyanul na nadpisi - i zakruchinilsya... Ibo za- neslo ego v kraya dal'nie, neizvedannye, a vchera vvecheru byl on rukoj podat' ot doma svoego... No delat' nechego, pod lezhachij fajl bajt ne teket', pustilsya on v dorogu mnogotrudnuyu... I byl put' ego tyazhel i polon podvigov da svershenij, no ob etom otdel'- nyj skaz govorit' nadobno... Zdes' skazhu o malom. Povstrechal on v puti kak-to malyj messadzh, sirotinushku, po doroge zateryavshijsya. I podobral on ego, obogrel/prikormil, i stal messadzh tot slugoyu ego vernejshim. Ibo byl messadzh samuraem/kamikadze i umel sluzhit' ne shchadya zhivota svoe- go... I byl u messadzha malogo gruz tajnyj - bomba strashnaya/razrushi- tel'naya, zlobnyj vorog Kova Lev suprotiv Vladimira Krasnoe Solnyshko posylal tot messadzh pod vidom privetstvij druzheskih. A stal messadzh malyj predan dushoj i telom programmeru nashemu mnogostradal'nomu, i otkryl emu sekret noshi svoej. I skazal programmer, bombu siyu uzrev - strashnoe eto delo! I luchshe budet brosit' ee v gluhom uglu da podorvat' - ibo mnogo zla prichinit' mozhet... I poreshili oni tak, i poshli proch' ot dorogi proezzhej v ugol gluhomannyj. No sluchilos' tak, chto proleg ih put' bliz logovishcha Uh Olkina, bandita vsem izvestnogo da krovozhadnogo. I zaslyshal on rechi ih neostorozhnye vo t'me nochnoj, i zlomyslil on napadenie zlodejskoe na putnikov mirnyh. Vyskochil Uh Olkin iz-za ugla posered' tropki, past' zlobnuyu razzya- vil... Stoit, kistenem poigryvaet', volos'ya svoi svivaet'/razvivaet' da molvit rechi merzkie, ustrashayushchie... Mol, davaj-ka, putnik, syuda torbu s dobrom - mozhet, zhiv ostanesh'sya... Storopel tut bylo programmer nash ot zrelishcha takogo straholyudnogo, no messadzh vernyj za rukav ego dernul da bombu podsunul. Usmehnelsya programmer nash neustrashimyj, be- loj ruchen'koj vzmahnul - da i vpendyuril entu bombu pryam v past' Uh Ol- kina razinutuyu! Uh Olkin, padla/vobla, past'-to ot zhadnosti i zashchelk- nul - tut-to bomba i @#$&la!!! |h, itit' tvoyu nalevo, razneslo Uh Ol- kina v klochki po zakoulochkam! I ne slyhal s toj pory nikto ob entom razbojnike... A putniki nashi, veshchichki sobrav, obratno v put'/dorogu pustilisya... Tak vot, ogloedy! Takie vot geroi-to zhili v bylye vremena! A vy tol'ko messadzham hvosty nakruchivat' gorazdy! Konec (skazki) 54. BBS -- eto programmno-tehnicheskij kompleks, prednaznachennyj dlya proverki rabotosposobnosti modema, i nastrojki ego inicializacionnoj stroki. 55. : - nevidimka; :)=| - zhaba; :-‚€ - morda kirpichom. 56. "Mnogobajt slishkom mnogo". 57. Nado pereskazat' basnyu "Vorona i lisica" slovami ne dlin- nee 4 bukv, Sove Bog dal shmat syra. Sova sela na el'. A syr v klyuv vzyal. ;) A tut kak raz lisa idet. - Hi, Sova! Kak dela, kak deti? A Sova - ni gugu, tiho tak na eli sidya. Lish' fary - hlop, hlop, kak by i net Lisy. Tut Lisa sela pod el', iz repy chut' dym uzhe ne idet, izo rta - kap, kap. Beda... Kak byt'? A vot kak! Oret na Sovu: "|j, ty! Spoj mne blyuz, a ne to moj mech - tvoya RAM s plech!" Tut Sovu uzhas vzyal. Syra to zhal', a pet' nado! Pet' - tak pet'. Nu, syr, yasno, upal. A tut kak raz Volk mimo shel. On-to syr i s®el. I Lisu tozhe. Tak-to vot... Sove DOS dal SEG syra. Sova sela na INT 3 A tut Lisa.exe RUN. Opa! Sova.com - INT 27h! I syr u nee na INT 3! Nu vashche! Ni tudy - ni syudy. - |j, Sova! A nu goni syr s INT 3! Sova: run time error... Lisa: A nu swap syr na disk! (i na hot key!) A sova lish' : Glyuk.. Glyuk.. Lisa na disk: ...file not found... |h! - 8-() A nu goni syr, a to Ctrl-Alt-Del i ku-ku! Sova: Kak byt'? ZHit'-to nado! Hot' i dura lisa, da i syra zhal'. Rot open - a syr - BRYAK! I lise v lob. - BUG!!! - oret lisa. - Help! I - NOT ROM BASIC... Vot i davi RESET. Ves' den' tovarishch Kommand Kom hodil prosvetlennyj. A vstretiv grustnogo otca Vyndouza, dazhe pointeresovalsya uchastlivo: - Ili sluchilos' chto, batyushka ? - Vse ikony ukrali, - skazal otec Vyndouz i zaplakal. - Ah oni nehristi, - radostno sochuvstvoval tovarishch Kommand Kom, - Ah oni obolochki deshevye ! - I usy ego veselo shevelilis'. Vozmozhny varianty: (Kill and Send) Ubit' pered otpravkoj :-) Ubit' posle otpravki :)) Ubit' vmesto otpravki :-) Ubit' togo, kto otpravil... :( Ubit', a trup otpravit' rodstvennikam :((( Ubit', a to eshche otpravit !!! Ubit' ili otpravit', vot v chem vopros... No Kills ! No sends ! ( Deviz demonstracii ) Ubit' i otpravit' ! Otpravit', dognat' i ubit' ! Otpravit' na smert' ! Teper' uzhe vse v seti znayut, chto pochtu prezidentu SSHA nuzhno posylat' po adresu president@whitehouse.gov, a pochtu vi- ce-prezidentu -- po adresu vice-president@whitehouse.gov. Odna- ko, bol'shinstvo ne znaet, chto pochtu dlya Hillari Klinton nado posylat' po adresu root@whitehouse.gov. Sizhu rabotayu, zahodit zhenshchina - professor dazhe - i govo- rit: "YA edu v Moskvu mne nuzhna disketa, chtob tam zapisat' nech- to." Dobryj chelovek, ponyatnoe delo, dal. A v rukah u nee ma- len'kij takoj redikyul'chik, razmerom so shkol'nyj penal. Tak vot, beret ona etu disketu i sladyvaet ee vchetvero, staratel'no pri- minaya pal'cami linii sgiba. Tovarishch vpal v sostoyanie "tihogo shoka"+ "gor'koe vospominanie o propavshej diskete" i sprosil u nee: "CHto zhe vy delaete .... mat'(podrazumevalos')?" Otvet : "Tak disk-to gibkij !!!" Vot i vse ... i vspomnil paru drugih ego (Primusa, klyatogo) zastavok: Pervaya posvyashchalas' ocheredyam k processoru : Naprasno ty vinish' v nepostoyanstve rok. CHto ne v naklade ty, tebe i nevdomek Kogda b on v milostyah svoih byl postoyanen - Ty b ocheredi zhdat' svoej do smerti mog " O. Hayam Vtoraya zhe opisyvala obshchie svojstva predmetov, imenuEMYH "pRIMUS" "Primus - shtuka predatel'ski nenadezhnaya. Inogda on NE RABOTAET potomu, chto otkrovenno lomaetsya, a inogda ne rabotAET POTOMU, chto prosto ne rabotaet " SHalaev, "Kategoriya trudnostI" (pro al'pinistov) This has been circulating on the Usenet newsgroup : God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people." Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days." Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives are right; there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days." Gates goes back to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows '95!" Kak to popal odin Programist-narkoman v Ad Proshla nedelya, cherti, znachit' begut k d'yavolu zhalovat'sya: - Pomogi, govoryat oni emu, ne znaem chto s nim delat'! - A chto sluchilos' to? Sprashivaet u nih d'yavol - Da etot tovarishch poka ochnulsya, chto ne v DUM igraet, pol otdela perestrelyal! :(  PRYAMOJ DOSTUP  (otryvok iz romana) Don Trebor speshilsya u bashni |l'-Rekl, skol'znul k uzen'koj dverce, shepnul znakomomu supervizoru parol': "Open-tip-zhi" - i okazalsya v temnoj komnatushke vhodnogo klassa "D". Na polu lezhala poloska sveta. Trebor glyanul v shchel' mezhdu port'erami. Tak i est' - v kresle germozony sidel orel nash don Freddi. Ego sobesednik sidel spinoj k dveri. Na polu shurshali listingi. Sil'no dulo iz kondicionerov. Don Freddi vnimatel'no slushal. Trebor tozhe prislushalsya - i obomlel. - Norfort sam zalinkuetsya po eploku, a abendovyj damp s ego bloksajzom na sisprinte zazhuhnet po stopaftu. |to uzhe baler 14,15. Tiotno bylo by ciklanut' saver po didyam, da dsorgi u nih nekompatabel'ny. Hotya, esli yunit s deferom, tak i zhisiel' osovskij bez errora proskochit. - Ne zafripulit'sya by po kloze s nashim yuzingom, - s somneniem v golose probormotal don Freddi. - Syadem na vejt po gluhomu vtoru, a potom zalodim linkedit s parmom, no bez konda, - mahnul rukoj neznakomec, - i voobshche - vashemu anlodu s nashimi openami apdatom na mauntovom tome ne debno lkedit'sya. Po disibyam? Don Freddi ostorozhno poshchupal lysinu vtoroj sistemy: - Nu-u-u... Esli s didinejmom, i spejs abstrom..., - protyanul on. - A esli rider na inpute zaspulit? Sidet' na dzhobnotrane? Neznakomec dernul plechom: - Zaholdim k'yu i resetom sunem pod shedulera, a rajter stopnem - pryamo na print vyskochim. Dazhe esli divajs-chek, - restartuem ievl po tipranu s regionom i tajmom cherez binarnyj dzhobstep. Vtok my zachitaem na pamyatya u sebya v razdele, a iehmove s generoj i volserami vashi. Lepite hot' putom, hot' rajtom - po sinadu i s rekformom! Don Freddi reshilsya: - Po disibyam! I so rturnom! Ego sobesednik progovoril, podnimayas': - Dva kila spejsa ya vam peredam getmejnom cherez attach. Tut on povernulsya v profil' i Trebor s izumleniem uznal blagorodnogo don Reanda, kotoryj vchera tol'ko zagruzil rezidenta s razvalennym vtokom. Aj da hvat, na takom dazhe s nulevym klyuchom pojnt stavit' nekuda! Vse bylo yasno: programmery dogovorilis'. So dnya na den' sledovalo zhdat' pervogo shaga generacii. A tam i vhodnoj potok ne za gorami. Ili kak govoryat v Soane: "Parmlib gavknetsya - v Linklibe otkliknetsya!" Trebor tiho uskol'znul iz dvorca i v sumerkah cherez stobajtnoe pole parm dvoichnym poiskom poskakal na delovoe svidanie s donom Vonavi, uzhe polchasa ozhidavshem ego v vyravnennom na dvoichnoe slovo lesochke. Eodadilos'... R. de ZHiefsibi CHechnya... Vesna 1995 goda... Boevye pozicii federal'nyh vojsk... Peredyshka... Umudrennyj opytom serzhant "zanimaetsya" so vzvodom novobrancev. - Ivanov! - YA! - Dva shaga vpered... kru-gom... shag vpered... nale-vo... kru-gom... padaj! - Petrov! - YA! - SHag vpered... eshche dva shaga... napra-vo... shag nazad... nale-vo... padaj! - Sidorov! - YA! - Dva shaga vpered... kru-gom... Iz okopa pokazyvaetsya zloj prapor. - Serzhant, ... tvoyu mat'! CHechency v ataku poshli, a ty tut opyat' tetrisom razvlekaesh'sya! :( Unix? Tekst byl razoslan, no *ne* napisan Stivom Sammitom Steve Summit scs@adam.mit.edu Perevod s anglijskogo na russkij Aleksandra SHehovcova als@vl.ts.kiev.ua Vot dovol'no staryj tekst kotoryj zasluzhivaet vtorichnoj rassylki. Moya kopiya datirovana iyunem 1986 goda; ya ne predstavlyayu, skol'ko etomu tekstu na samom dele let i kto ego napisal. Po moemu vpechatleniyu u teh, kto videl etot tekst, fraza "sm. ris. 1" nemedlenno voshla v zhargon. A kto-nibud' eshche ee ispol'zuet? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Pozhalujsta, perestan'te posylat' nam soobshcheniya ob oshibkah. |to nasha sistema. My razrabotali ee, my sozdali ee i my ispol'zuem ee dol'she chem vy. Esli vy polagaete, chto v nej otsutstvuyut nekotorye svojstva, ili sistema ne tak effektivna, kak vam by hotelos', ZATKNITESX! Ubirajtes' k chyartu, my v vas ne nuzhdaemsya. Sm. ris. 1. Zabud'te o svoej glupoj probleme; davajte pogovorim o nekotoryh svojstvah nashej operacionnoj sistemy. 1) Opcii. My vveli ogromnoe ih mnozhestvo. Tak mnogo, chto vam ponadobitsya para tolkovyh rebyat, chtoby razobrat'sya v dokumentacii. Tak mnogo, chto rak svisnet ran'she, chem polovina iz nih budet ispol'zovana. Tak mnogo, chto vam ne udastsya ispol'zovat' ih pravil'no v lyubom sluchae. Odnako, kolichestvo opcij ne tak uzh i sushchestvenno, potomu chto my ustanovili nekotorye interesnye znacheniya dlya opcij i nazvali ih... 2) Umolchaniyami. My ustanovili nemalo umolchanij. Oni nam nravyatsya. Esli by eto bylo ne tak, my by sdelali umolchaniyami chto-nibud' drugoe. Tak chto uberite svoi gryaznye ruki ot nashih umolchanij. Ne trogajte ih. Schitajte ih predopredelennymi. "Predopredelennye umolchaniya" - zvuchit neploho! Esli vy ih izmenite i vasha sistema zavisnet, zatknites'. Sm. ris. 1. 3) Kompilyatory. Oni rabotayut prekrasno. Poluchayut na vhod ishodnye teksty i zachastuyu generiruyut ob®ektnye fajly kak rezul'tat vashih usilij. Vam ne nravitsya rezul'tiruyushchij kod? Tem huzhe dlya vas! Vy dazhe mozhete popytat'sya delat' sistemnye vyzovy iz nego. Vo vseh sluchayah, kogda eto ne udaetsya, ispol'zujte assembler, kak eto delaem my. My govorili s razrabotchikami kompilyatorov i oni dumayut tak zhe, kak i my. Oni govoryat: "Sm. ris. 1". 4) Otladchiki. Da, u nas est' otladchiki, odin my soprovozhdaem, a drugoj ispol'zuem sami. No v lyubom sluchae vy ne dolzhny delat' oshibki, eto vsego lish' pustaya trata vremeni. My nichego ne hotim slyshat' ob otladchikah; nam eta tema neinteresna. Sm. ris. 1. 5) Oshibka pri zagruzke. Ne obrashchajte vnimaniya. Zachem nazhivat' sebe yazvu? Vy ved' vse ravno ne zahotite peredat' nam svoyu mashinu, chtoby my razbiralis' v vashej probleme, da i my, veroyatno, ne smozhem razobrat'sya v lyubom sluchae. Da, i esli chto-libo slomaetsya v promezhutke mezhdu 17:00 i 18:00 ili 9:30 i 10:30 ili 11:30 i 13:30 ili 14:30 i 15:30, to ne trat'te vashe vremya na zvonki - nas net na meste. Sm. ris. 1. 6) Komandnyj yazyk. My razrabotali ego samostoyatel'no, on prevoshoden. On nastol'ko nam nravitsya, chto my nazvali yazyk nashim imenem. Dejstvitel'no, my tak schastlivy i dovol'ny s nim, chto my sozdali ego odin raz dlya vseh nashih operacionnyh sistem. My dazhe staraemsya sohranit' komandnyj yazyk neizmennym ot versii k versii, hotya inogda my kardinal'no peresmatrivaem ego. Sm. ris. 1. 7) Vypolnenie programm v real'nom vremeni. My etogo dobilis'. Kto eshche mog sdelat' takuyu prekrasnuyu rabotu? CHto, sistema kazhetsya medlitel'noj so svoimi 18-yu urovnyami prioritetov processov? Nikakih problem, ustanovite vsem processam prioritet 1. V lyubom sluchae real'noe vremya ne stol' vazhno, kak ono kazhetsya. My dazhe izmenili nazvanie nashej gruppy, chtoby izbavit'sya ot slov "real'noe vremya". I my uzhe davnym-davno posovetovali vsem nashim pol'zovatelyam, pytayushchimsya rabotat' v real'nom vremeni, smotret' na ris. 1. V zaklyuchenie, zasun'te podal'she vashe soobshchenie ob oshibkah. Lyubite nashu sistemu ili ostav'te ee, no ne vyrazhajte svoe nedovol'stvo. --------------------------------- ! _! ! { }! ! | |! ! | |! !. -.!!. -.! !. -!!!!. -.! !!!!;! ! \;! ! \;! !!:! !! |! !| |! !! ! _______________________________! Ris. 1. From: mobil.perm.su!sae@pulsar.ac.msk.su (Alexander E. Soloviev) Vot DOS, kotoryj postroil Majk! Vot DOS, kotoryj postroil Majk! A eto ASCII - tajnyh znakov tablica, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. A eto NC v belosinem mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, Zabyli v nem russkuyu "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. A vot rezidenty sinicami skachut, Iz nih hot' odin kak pit' dat' napartachit - Zaklinit NC v belosinem mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. A eto vot fajl na vinchester posazhen, Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen, S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet, Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit, Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. A vot AIDSTEST - slovno vazhnyj ministr, On fajl zarazhennyj vse hochet pochistit', Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen, Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen, S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet, Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit, Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. Vot autoexec (tak ego nazyvayut), Kotoryj soboj AIDSTEST zapuskaet, Kotoryj pyhtit, slovno vazhnyj ministr, Kotoryj fajl hochet najti i pochistit', Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen, Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen, S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet, Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit, Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk. A vot command.com, zarazhennyj bez mery, Ved' eto s nego pakostyat TSR`y, On autoexec pod soboj vypolnyaet, Kotoryj soboj AIDSTEST zapuskaet, Kotoryj pyhtit, slovno vazhnyj ministr, Kotoryj fajl hochet najti i pochistit', Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen, Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen, S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet, Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit, Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire, Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili, V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy, Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.  Cikl ALGORITMICHESKI NERAZRESHIMYE PROBLEMY  From: sae@mobil.perm.su (Alexander E. Soloviev) PREDUPREZHDENIE. Vse napisannoe zdes' mozhet absolyutno ne sovpadat' s mneniem pishushchego.  1. YAzychestvo epohi algoritmizacii  0101010101 Vse yazyki programmirovaniya sozdavalis' kak samye luchshie - a poluchalis' yazyki ni kuda ne godnye (s tochki zreniya vseh, krome avtorov). Fortran, PL/1, Kobol... Prichem, Fortran, kak samyj negodnyj, byl i samym populyarnym. I poportil zhe on krovi teoretikam za 25 let svoego procvetaniya - more. Fortran-tarakan, PLyushkin/1, Kobol-osel. Eshche i Algol byl, no na nem pisali bol'she dissertacii, chem programmy... U nego bylo ne vse v poryadke s proishozhdeniem: on byl v izvestnoj stepeni evropejcem. A eto uzhe ne sovsem Amerika. Pravil'naya programma soderzhit malo oshibok. No kak opredelit', chto takoe horosho, v stol' delikatnoj sfere, kak programmirovanie? Amerikancy popytalis' eto sdelat' po iniciative i pod rukovodstvom voennyh. V rezul'tate, doroga k Ade okazalas' ustlana dobrymi namereniyami i trupikami chelovechkov (solomennogo, derevyannogo, olovyannogo, zheleznogo, pesochnogo, kamennogo i drugih). I v 80-om godu byla ob'yavlena pobeda! No Pirrova, v smysle slozhnosti. Poetomu vnedryat' prishlos' ne bez ugroz. Ada - eto proshloe i budushchee procedurnogo programmirovaniya. |to vershina i apofeoz, no v forme tupika. YAzyk - eto to, chto otlichaet programmera ot cheloveka. A assemblery i ne dumali kapitulirovat'. Za ih izoshchrennoj (izvrashchennoj) vsedozvolennost'yu stoyali umelye ruki i krepkie golovy nastoyashchih muzhchin-programmistov. - Nu i tip! - Net li na nego dannyh? - Inkapsulirovat' takih nado! - Bez prava randevu! Dlya nih Ada, chto vzbesivshijsya slon dlya murav'ya-trudogolika. Porochnaya praktika - kriterij istiny. No gibel' obychno prihodit s obratnoj storony. Vot, esli chitat' teoretikov: Dejkstru, Hoara, da i togo zhe Bekusa (otrekshegosya ot svoego rodnogo Fortrana), a potom delat' vse naoborot, to poluchish' yazyk Si. Bez osobogo shuma i voennyh Dennis Ritchi yazyk Si i poluchil, sobrav vse myslimye, a glavnoe - nemyslimye, bezobraziya voedino. Poluchilos' zdorovo. Porochnaya istina - stimul dlya praktiki. Posle chego vopros vstal rebrom. Poskol'ku yazyk etot proignorirovat', kak protivorechashchij vysokim kriteriyam programmistskoj morali, bylo nikak ne vozmozhno - proignorirovali teoretikov. I okazalos', chto bez nih v programmirovanii luchshe. No bol'shinstvo voobshche raznicy ne zametilo, poskol'ku ne podozrevalo, chto v programmirovanii mozhet byt' teoriya, metodologiya, tehnologiya i voobshche, chto v programmirovanii mozhet byt' chto-libo, krome programmirovaniya. A pered licom Si ne tol'ko Fortran, no i assemblery vynuzhdeniy byli s boyami ostavlyat' chip za chipom... A vse-taki ona VIRTitsya! Ryadom, no vysoko, stoyal Paskal' s uchitel'skoj ukazkoj. On seyal razumnoe, dobroe, vechnoe. Prizyval k zdravomu smyslu. No narodu eshche so vremen Fortrana bylo naplevat' na formalizaciyu semantiki. (Modula-2 voobshche "ot kutyur" , a shabashit' luchshe v telogrejke). No predpriimchivyj uchenik Borland uzhe podlozhil emu knopku na stul i na parte narisoval chto-to graficheskoe... Regulyarno vyrazhayas' - grustno, gospoda! No eto vse predistoriya. Novaya era nachalas', kogda "malen'kij trep-80" obernulsya ob'ketnoj-orientirovannost'yu. No i tut poyavilis' mutanty i isportili, esli ne vse, to mnogoe - rodilsya Si++. On postavil na genial'noj idee krest! Prichem, dva raza.  2. Vavilonskoe yazykoznanie  Kogda Glavnyj Programmist reshil nakazat' vozomnivshih o sebe. On na Vavilonskoj konferencii lishil ih vseh yazykov, krome Si. Razve chto predaniya smutnye ostalis'... B|JSIK 1 "U popa byla sobaka" goto 3 2 "I napisal" goto 1 3 "On ee ubil" goto 2 FORT : Prost "dvazhdy dva kak" . ; OK! APL X <- Y <- ro/jota/@#$%&"~?h|Y LOGO CHerepashki-ninzya vse ushli na front, a bol'she nichego v yazyke net. LISP (((lambda YU ((((((((((kar(kar(kar(CHEESE))))))))))))))))))))))))(0) REFAL k'm_n_o_g_o__p_r_o_b_e_l_o_v ~ k'probel -| k'besprobel ~ besprobel PROLOG appendiks ([H|L1],L2,[H|L3]) :-( appendiks (L1,L2,L3). FP-Bekusa Apply-To-All/Reply-To-Nobody [F o G] o H :<1,2,3> OKKAM PAR ruka.levaya ? inmos ruka.pravaya ! transputer OPS-5 (P rak-svistnet ^ svist sssssss ^ mesto gora -> sozdat'-konferenciyu ^ lom) S veroyatnost'yu 0.837465218456 i nechetkost'yu 0.8/0.8+0.9/0.9+1.0/7.0 ... a dalee sovsem nerazborchivo.  3. Ob'ektivka ob ob'ekte  Glavnoe v OOP (ne v Organizacii Osvobozhdeniya Palestiny, a v Ob'ektno Orientirovannom Programmirovanii) - ne napryagat'sya. Esli nuzhna programma - nado vzyat' ob'ekt, i pust' on budet programmoj. No ne zabyvaya, chto, v sootvetstvii s rekursivnym materializmom, vsyakij ob'ekt sostoit iz ob'ektov. I vse! Dlya teh, kto ne ponyal - utochnyaem: voz'mem, naprimer, koshelek, kak ob'ekt. Prezhde vsego nado pokazat', chto ego ne styanuli, a chestno unasledovali. Sam koshelek - ot lyubimogo dedushki, a svojstva - ot vyshestoyashchih koshel'kov. S pomoshch'yu Izi (pishetsya "is-a"). ob'ekt | koshel'ki, kak klass | koshel'ki dedushek, kak klass | koshel'ki lyubimyh dedushek, kak klass | bol'shie koshel'ki lyubimyh dedushek, kak klass Koshelek sostoit iz sobstvenno koshel'ka i deneg. (Poskol'ku den'gi tozhe ob'ekt, to i zdes' vopros nasledovaniya stoit ne menee ostro). Raz sobstvenno koshelek bol'shoj, to i deneg tam mozhet byt' mnogo. Naprimer, dedushka nakopil tam celyh sto rublej rublyami (otstav ot progressa na dve reformy) i bol'she uzhe ni odin rublik ne vlezal v tugoj koshelek. A vnuk etu makulaturu otdal svoemu vnuku, a sam polozhil v koshelek sto tysyach dvumya kupyurami po pyat'desyat i eshche ujma svobodnogo mesta ostalos'. To est' dlya raznyh kupyur ogranicheniya raznye na maksimal'nuyu summu. A minimal'naya summa 0 - dolgi v koshel'ke ne nosyat. A dal'she samoe interesnoe. Nado sdelat' tak, chtoby dostat' iz etogo koshel'ka 35 tysyach na konfetki bylo NEVOZMOZHNO. Mozhno dostat' tol'ko 50 i poluchit' 13 tysyach sdachi (na dve obyazatel'no obschitayut). I ne odnoj, a celoj kuchej denezhek (poskol'ku kupyura v 13 tysyach vstrechaetsya dovol'no redko). V rezul'tate summa v koshel'ke umen'shitsya, no denezhek stanet bol'she. Vse kak v zhizni. Tak chto peredayutsya iz koshel'ka ne prosto summy (dannye), a konkretnye ob'ekty-kupyury (tochnee, soobshcheniya - kakih i skol'ko). Tol'ko tak konkretno mozhet koshelek obshchat'sya s vneshnim mirom (s drugimi koshel'kami, prodavcami, dolzhnikami, vorishkami...). Den'gi dolzhny byt' v oborote, hranit' po koshel'kam - bol'shaya glupost'. Poetomu vazhno pozdnee svyazyvanie. To est', pust' oni budut i v raznoj valyute i v beznale i v kreditnyh kartochkah i v chekah. A v koshelek popadut v samyj poslednij moment, kogda za uslugi nado platit' nalichnymi v valyute i vpered (avtor imel v vidu vsego lish' vzyatku). No dlya etogo nuzhna interpretaciya. A ee nikto ne lyubit. I ne tol'ko kompilyatory, a prezhde vsego sama mashina Fon-Nejmana.  4. Ob inoplanetyanah  1. Odnazhdy Dejkstru sprosili: - Slabo napisat' programmu po predvaritel'no formalizovannym usloviyam. - Slabo! - otvetil velikij programmist i ubezhal pisat' genial'nuyu knigu o slabejshih predusloviyah. 2. Odnazhdy Hoar zanimalsya v Belfaste verifikaciej programm posledovatel'no operator za operatorom s pomoshch'yu uslovij pravil'nosti. No ne menee posledovatel'no terroristy tam zhe zanimalis' terrorom. Vzryvy ochen' meshali rabotat'. Togda Hoar napisal monografiyu "Vzaimodejstvuyushchie posledovatel'nye processy". No iz Belfasta vse-ravno uehal, poskol'ku terroristy ego knig ne chitali, i meshali rabotat' kak ni v chem ne byvalo. 3. Odnazhdy Flojd rassypal kolodu perfokart, a kogda sobral ih v drugom poryadke - programma pochemu-to ne poshla. Togda on pridumal nedeterminirovannoe programmirovanie. No na russkij etu rabotu ne pereveli, poskol'ku predvideli, chto perfokarty cherez dvadcat' let konchatsya. V otchayanii Flojd pridumal mnogo drugogo, no bylo pozdno - very emu uzhe ne bylo. 4. Odnazhdy Skott poluchil T'yuringovskuyu premiyu za vydayushchijsya vklad v programmirovanie. No poskol'ku za svoyu zhizn' on ni odnoj programmy ne napisal, to na torzhestvennom vruchenii torzhestvenno poobeshchal i vpred' ne pisat'. 5. Odnazhdy Kodd predlozhil teoriyu otnoshenij. |to ne sovsem, chtoby teoriya otnositel'nosti, poskol'ku tyanula lish' na T'yuringovskuyu premiyu. No otnositel'nye banki sdelali na etom sostoyaniya razrabotchikam na znachitel'no bol'shuyu summu, chem vse Nobelevskie premii vmeste vzyatye. Tak chto vse otnositel'no. Komar Hello Sergey! Thursday August 03 1995 04:22, Sergey Troffimovsky wrote to All: ST> Sovsem durnoj stal. Polzaet u menya komar po ekranu, ST> u dumayu - nu nichego, sejchas v golded zajdu, potom kak-nibud' v eto okno ST> pereklyuchus' - dob'yu ego. Komar - zver' zagadochnaya. Kogda ya nedavno v komandirovku letal, v Ufu, my tam posle raboty otpravilis' "za gorod", pobrodili, a kogda v gostinice rubashku snimal, na nej v ryad sideli shtuk vosem' komarov, zadumchivo pogruziv svoi igly kuda-to vdal', pod tkan'. Po-vidimomu, oni byli v transe, i ih zanimalo lish' samo dejstvo, a ne rezul'tat. Kogda ya vynes rubashku na balkon i vstryahnul, odin komar uletel, a ostal'nye obizheno potoptalis' na meste, zasunuv nosy eshche glubzhe. YA togda podumal, chto by mne eshche s nimi sdelat', to li blyudechko s molokom pod tkan' postavit', to li naoborot, nosy im iznutri pozagibat'? Edinstvennaya del'naya mysl', prishedshaya mne v golovu (v dva chasa nochi posle 20-chasovogo kopaniya v elektronike), tak eto skopirovat' u komarov proshivku, i posmotret' debagerom, pochemu oni glyuchat i visnut. Pri vospominanii o proshivkah mne stalo durno, i ya poshel spat', a utrom obnaruzhil na balkone svoyu pustuyu (vidimo, dosuha vysosanuyu) rubahu. Zato uzhe po priezdu mne vsyu noch' snilsya son, chto ya dizassembliruyu 32K proshivki komara, usilivayu pisk, zabivayu NOP'ami vyzov funkcij sosaniya i menyayu JZ na JNE v podprogramme poiska zhertvy, chto dolzhno bylo privesti k tomu, chtoby komar sharahalsya ot vsego teplogo i vkusnopahnushchego. Pod utro mne prisnilos', chto ya uzhe zasunul komara vsemi ego nogami v panel'ku programmatora, i zapisal v nego novyj kod, no okazalos', chto pri zagruzke komar schitaet CRC svoej proshivki, i on zavis, preryvisto pishcha. Ot dosady ya prosnulsya. No mechta proshit' v komarov distancionnoe upravlenie i sound (chtoby slabat' na komarah igrushku s poletami, bitvami i zastavit' ih pet' horom melodii) ostalas'... /Alex P.S. Vo sne ya eshche vyyasnil, chto kryl'ya podnimayutsya i opuskayutsya po frontam signala s tajmera, a upravlenie poletom proizvoditsya fazoj i skvazhnost'yu! Programmer, stoitel' i hirurg -sporyat, ch'ya professiya ran'she poyavilas'. Hirurg govorit - Bog, sdelal Evu iz rebra Adama, hirurniya byla pervoj! Stroitel' - Snachalo Bog sotvaril Zemlyu, Gory, Reki i t. d. stroitel'stvo bylo pervym. Programmer: - Rebyata, a kto zhe togda sozdal haos Modem s boduna snimaet trubku: Gav! Myayauuuu.. Karrr! T'fu, pi-i-i-i-i-... CHastushki ot Windows Kak popalo, vkriv' i vkos', |ndi stavit poluos'. Esli v krane net vody, Kto-to topit v nej vindy. CHto-zh za eb@hh@R b^Rd' vindofs 95? Het! Vonyuchij polu os' - huzhe, chem nezvannyj gost'. A glyukavyj Vyndovoz luchshe zakopat' v navoz |to nedorazumenie - Vindovsom isportish' dazhe udobreniya. Na dvore stoit moroz - Znat' ne zrya rabotal DOS. S motitora stalo kapat' - |to glyuchit MelkoMyakot'! Nado Gejtsa vyzyvat', Pi%$yulej emu vstavlyat'... Iz-pod kryshki lezut Bagi - |ti Bagi - ot CHikagi, Nadoelo bajty zhrat', Tabunom poshli po%$at'... Mat' u pen'tyuha slegla - Znat' CHikaka dovela... Gejts byl ochen' skromnyj mal'chik, No v Okno zasunuv pal'chik, On reshil: "Pust' vse uznayut, CHto ot Okon pogibayut!" Nezhna natura u Vindov, Kak tonkij sloj vesennih l'dov! Lish' chut' usilitsya techen'e... CHto? Bol'no vspomit' ogorchen'e? ;))) Pokladem na polu-os' ! Budem vmeste yuzat' Dos' ! From: "Vladimir V. Sivchik" 2. "A vy mogli by ?", 1913 Naskol'ko moj komputer ruhlyad', nastol'ko dushe prepogano; ya videl kak vnezapno tuhli kosye skulishchi ekrana. Na cheshue steklyannoj glyby prochel ya zov nazhat' RESET. A vy v DOOM poigrat' smogli by, kogda chetyreh Meg-ov net? Tol'ko YUniks - luchshe Dos i vindos - horosho, tol'ko YUniks - luchshe. YA b na YUniks pereshel - pust' menya nauchat ! |j ty, s trehdyujmovkoj sbojnoj, s lysinoj i soplivym nosom, gde YUniks - tuda nepristojno lezt' so svoim dosom. A ty, chto pyalishsya stervoj ? Ne pereprygnuv, ne govori "op-pa". Svoj vindos tri te che ka pervyj Zasun' ty sebe v ... ! Ne nado tarashchit' zenki, vas v detstve, vidat', ne poroli, sobrat' by vas vseh - i k stenke... byla by moya volya ! Stydno, tovarishchi, stydno ! Iz-za vas zhizn' skuchna, porochna. Ne pobedil kommunizm - obidno, YUniks pobedit - eto tochno ! CHastushki From: Artur Svider Poznakomit'sya hochu ya s programmistom Fedeyu Nu a on ne zamechaet moyu multimediyu. Programmistku pri lune YA pogladil po spine A ona mne: "Pogodi, Sperva myshkoj povodi" ---------------------------------- Edet kak-to v odnom avtomobile strannaya kompaniya: avtoritet, biznesmen i programmist. Edut - edut.... Vdrug avto ostanovilos' - i ni tudy, ni syudy. CHto-to tam slomilos', koroche. Tak poluchilos', chto v mashinah nikto iz nih ne razbiraetsya. Dumayut, chto zhe delat' ? Pervym zagovoril avtoritet, dostavaya sotovyj radiotelefon: - Sejchas zvyaknu svoim rebyatam - cherez 5 minut novuyu tachku podgonyat ! Kakuyu zakazyvaem ? Vtorym podal golos biznesmen: - Predlagayu takoj variant. Sejchas my prodaem etu mashinu, registriruem na vyruchennye den'gi AO ochen' zakrytogo tipa, rasprostranyaem akcii AO sredi mestnogo naseleniya, investiruem kapital v novyj avtomobil' i umatyvaem ! "A mozhet, vyjdem iz mashiny i snova zajdem ? Glyadish' - ona i poedet",-robko molvil programmist... "Predstav'te sebe, - skazal ya shefu, - my podklyuchaem k komp'yuteru vyazal'nuyu mashinu i vyazhem fufajki po nashej baze dannyh. Klienty prihodyat k nam v ofis, p'yut kofe, smotryat na ekran i vybirayut sebe fufajki. My ekonomim kuchu deneg i uhodim domoj zasvetlo." CHerez nedelyu my kupili vyazal'nuyu mashinu. ----------------------------------------------- /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Spring 1995 */ #include #include #include #include "win31.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" /* Reference: Internal memo #99281-95 from: William H. Gates III to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project William H. Gates III wrote: "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition. It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'. Carry on, God^H^H^HBill */ #define INSTALL = HARD void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if(first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if(still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } /* Reference: Internal memo #99683-95 from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project to: William H. Gates III Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote: "Dear Sir, Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code. This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace! Thank you for listening to us, the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project " */ /* if(still_not_crashed) { write_cheer(); finished(); } */ create_general_protection_fault(); } ******************************************************************************* WinJokes Windows: Just another pain in the glass Double your drive-space: delete Windows ! Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I ! Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ... Windows: The Gates of hell Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013) MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction Windows: XT emulator for an AT Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]" Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware" Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN ! Time on your hands ? Get Windows ! "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate" Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ? Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows ! Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ... Bugs come in through open Windows Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1 Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !" Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven ! Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow Exhibitionists love Windows Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ... Have you crashed your Windows today ? I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ... If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse ! If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ? If Windows sucked it would be good for something Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile ! My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++ New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes! Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone Some windows were made to be broken Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files ! Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once Windows NT: Nice Try Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty Windows