- A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time ! Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows ! ******************************************************************************* And more... Undocumented error-codes in Windows 95 Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Micro$oft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet: WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute. WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost. WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available. Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright (C) 1995 - 1997 Creative Element. A vot tut vot smotrel mul'tik "Ostrov Sokrovishch" KievNauch- Fil'ma (ochen' rekomenduyu) i edakuyu pesenku tam speli dva pirata primenitel'no k Billu Gejtsu. V pravoj kolonke - golos Dzhigarhanyana (DZH.), a v levoj - tonkij (TN.) golosok, ne znayu chej... DZH.: Damy i gospoda! Sejchas Vy uslyshite tragicheskuyu i pouchitel'nuyu istoriyu o mal'chike Billi, kotoryj ochen' lyubil den'gi. TN. DZH. -Rasskazyvaj! S rozhdeniya Billi paj-mal'chikom byl. -Molodec! Imel Billi hobbi - on den'gi lyubil. -Horoshij mal'chik! Lyubil i kopil. - CHto bylo dal'she? Vse deti kak deti, zhivut bez zabot, A Bill na diete - ne est i ne p'et - -Bednen'kij mal'chik! V kopilku kladet. Pr: Den'gi, den'gi, drebeden'gi, Pozabyv pokoj i len' Delaj den'gi, delaj den'gi, A ostal'noe vse - drebeden'. A ostal'noe vse - drebebeden'. -Dal'she chto bylo? Zdes' penni, tam shilling, a gde-nibud' - funt. -Bol'shie den'gi! Stal Billi moshennik, moshennik i plut. -Pochemu moshennik i plut? Skopil celyj pud. -Aga, molodec. No v tom-to i delo, chto on ne odin, -Pochemu? Kto bol'she vseh den'gi na svete lyubil. -Nash chelovek, nash. Vot eto zabyl. Pr: Den'gi, den'gi, drebeden'gi, Pozabyv pokoj i len' Delaj den'gi, delaj den'gi, A ostal'noe vse - drebeden'. A ostal'noe vse - drebebeden'. Knopka "Ok" AP> Tut moi YUzery trebuyut ot menya polnoj rusifikacii vseh prog, AP> a ya nikak ne mogu perevesti slovo na pipke "Ok", poslednij AP> raz pisal "Dalee", no znakomye programmery skazali chto deskat' AP> dolzhna byt' i knopka "Ranee" i t.p. i t.d. :-) ... Varianty: 1. Mit'kovskij "Dyk!" 2. Odesskij "Nu?" 3. Armejskij "Est'!" 4. Pionerskij "Gotov!" 5. Programistskij " 1Dh " 6. Podvisyuchij "Hren!" 7. Narkomanskij "Gonish'!" 8. Netopyre-filinskij "Ugu!" 9. Lamerskij "Oj!" 10. YUzerskij "Schas!" 11. Sisopskij "Alt-H" 12. Zlobnyj "Reset" 13. Moj ;) "Bred..." YuN. Podrazhanie Osteru YUrij Nesterenko ¡ http://yun.complife.net/ Esli vdrug tvoya mashina Ne rabotaet, kak nado, To po materinskoj plate Sil'no stukni kulakom. Ne pomozhet - bej kuvaldoj, Daj nogoj po monitoru... Ob®yasnish' potom nachal'stvu : "Ona pervoj nachala !" Esli vdrug na tvoj komp'yuter Prosochilsya zlobnyj virus, Ne lechi ego Lozinskim: Virus tozhe hochet zhit' ! Zarazhennye programmy Raskidaj po BBS'am, I tebya tvoi kollegi Budut chasto vspominat'. Podrazhanie Vl.Vishnevskomu Vzbesilas' mysh'. Iz-za ugla ZHuet ot printera bumagu.. Kogda-to belaya byla, No tut ne mesto dlya pushistyh.. From: "Sadykov V A" Newsgroups: relcom.humor Subject: [News] Podrazhanie Vl.Vishnevskomu I kazhdyj den' on formatiroval vinchester... CD?! Tak eto zh trehdyujmovyj diskovod! Vot etot fajl skopiruj... Ty kuda?! Na kseroks?! CHto? Ne rabotaet? A v set' ego vklyuchili? Net! Strimmer - ne SiDi, i muzyki ne budet! A fajl - v arhiv... Ne trogaj dyrokol! Ej? Windows? Da ona myshej boitsya s detstva! Ty win nabral? Skorej Alt-F4! A UNIX nam zachem? On luchshe Leksikona? ZHmi Control, Shift - i na kover k nachal'stvu... 16 Meg? I Fortochkam vse malo? F8 - Copy? Kto zh tebe skazal? CHto? Virus sladkij chaj syuda nalil? ZHdal chas. Potom nazhal Reset... Stiral disketu? A teper' chto? Pod utyug? Prikaz direktora? A ty ego - F8! Programmnye avialinii Esli by firmy, zanimayushchiesya programmnym obespecheniem, soderzhali avialinii... (Otforvardzheno iz seti JunkFAX firmy National Semiconductor) Avialinii DOS Passazhiry tolkayut samolet po vzletnoj polose do teh por, poka on ne vzletit, zatem zaprygivayut na nego i letyat, poka on snova ne opustitsya na zemlyu. Zatem vse povtoryaetsya snachala. Avialinii QEMM Polnost'yu analogichny avialiniyam DOS, no v polete u vas bol'she mesta dlya nog. Avialinii Mac Vse styuardy, styuardessy, piloty, kassiry i tehnicheskij personal vyglyadyat odinakovo, govoryat odinakovo i dejstvuyut odinakovo. Kazhdyj raz, kogda vy interesuetes' kakimi-libo detalyami, vam ob®yasnyayut, chto vy eto ne obyazany znat', chto vy etogo ne hotite znat', chto vse budet sdelano bez vashego uchastiya i voobshche prosyat vas zatknut'sya. Avialinii OS/2. Dlya togo, chtoby popast' v samolet, vy dolzhny postavit' na svoem bilete 10 raznyh pechatej, prostoyav dlya etogo v desyati raznyh ocheredyah. Zatem vy zapolnyaete anketu, v kotoroj ukazyvaete, gde imenno vy hotite sidet', a takzhe soobshchaete, kak dolzhen vyglyadet' samolet -- kak okeanskij lajner, kak passazhirskij poezd ili kak avtobus. Esli vam vse-taki udaetsya okazat'sya na bortu, a samoletu udaetsya vzletet', to vashemu poletu nichto ne ugrozhaet za isklyucheniem teh momentov, kogda ruli vysoty i zakrylki zaedayut v odnom polozhenii -- v etom sluchae u vas ostaetsya dostatochno vremeni, chtoby pomolit'sya i zanyat' polozhenie dlya avarijnoj posadki. Avialinii Windows Aeroport krasiv i prekrasno blagoustroen, kassiry i styuardessy privetlivo ulybayutsya, popast' na bort samoleta proshche prostogo, a vzlet prohodit bez suchka bez zadorinki. Zatem v polete samolet vnezapno vzryvaetsya bez vsyakogo preduprezhdeniya. Avialinii Win NT Passazhiry stroem vyhodyat na vzletnuyu polosu, horom proiznosyat parol' i vystraivayutsya, obrazuya kontur samoleta. Zatem vse sadyatsya na zemlyu i izdayut gudyashchij zvuk tak, chto sozdaetsya vpechatlenie, chto vse letyat. Avialinii UNIX Vse passazhiry priezzhayut v aeroport s sobstvennymi detalyami ot samoleta, zatem sobirayutsya na vzletnoj polose i nachinayut ego stroit', ni na sekundu ne perestavaya sporit' o tom, kakogo zhe imenno tipa samolet oni stroyat. Avialinii Mach |to avialinii novogo pokoleniya (NeXT generation ;) Samolet kak takovoj otsutstvuet. Passazhiry sobirayutsya vmeste i horom ego zovut, zatem zhdut, zhdut, zhdut, zhdut i zhdut. Zatem prihodit drugaya gruppa lyudej, kazhdyj iz nih prinosit s soboj kusok samoleta. Oni ustraivayutsya na vzletnoj polose i nachinayut etot samolet sobirat', ni na sekundu ne perestavaya sporit' o tom, kakoj imenno samolet oni sobirayut. Zatem samolet vzletaet, a passazhiry ostayutsya na vzletnoj polose i zhdut, zhdut i zhdut. Kogda samolet blagopoluchno prizemlyaetsya, pilot zvonit po telefonu v aeroport otpravleniya, chtoby soobshchit' passazhiram o tom, chto vse oni blagopoluchno dobralis' do mesta naznacheniya. Avialinii Newton Vy pokupaete bilety za 18 mesyacev do dnya vyleta i v naznachennyj den' okazyvaetes' na bortu samoleta. Odin iz chlenov ekipazha interesuetsya vashim imenem. Pravil'no eto imya rasslyshat' emu udaetsya tol'ko s chetvertogo raza, posle chego on pozvolyaet vam zanyat' svoe mesto. Kak tol'ko vy usazhivaetes', styuardessa soobshchaet, chto process posadki neobhodimo povtorit', tak kak samolet perepolnen i passazhirov neobhodimo zanovo pereschitat', osvobodiv mesto dlya novyh. Esli by programmy byli edoj. Opus. 1. Povara i konditery ne otvechali by za pishchevye otravleniya. 2. Delit'sya kuskom bylo by v bol'shinstve sluchaev vospreshcheno. 3. Vo vseh stolovyh na podnosah, na trotuarah i v obshchestvennyh tualetah lezhali by ogryzki bulochek, zavernutye v bumazhki s nadpis'yu "Esli vy s®eli etu bulochku, pozhalujsta, kupite celuyu! Kupiv celuyu bulochku vsego za $29.99 vy poluchaete skidki pri pokupke bOl'shego kolichestva bulochek za odin raz i skidki pri pokupke bulochek sleduyushchej vypechki!" 4. K kazhdomu blyudu polagalas' by obshirnaya instrukciya, kak ego est'. Vprochem, popytka s®est' produkt, rukovodstvuyas' instrukciej, obychno privodila by k obshchemu otravleniyu. 5. K nekotorym produktam prilagalsya by spisok "O nesovmestimosti sleduyushchih produktov i nashego pri sovmestnom upotreblenii". 6. Vse produkty byli by prosto nashpigovany gajkami, shurupami, dohlymi krysami i prochimi appetitnymi veshchami. Zvonok na firmu-proizvoditelya: "Da, my znaem o nalichii nekotorogo kolichestva strihnina v nashih tortah i rabotaem nad tem, chtoby ego tam ne bylo. Poka chto vy mozhete est' nash tort posle dvuhchasovogo vymachivaniya v solenoj vode. Spasibo za zvonok." 7. Produkty dvuhmesyachnoj davnosti schitalis' by svezhimi. Programmistskij goroskop S 27 noyabrya po 3 dekabrya Oven. Na etoj nedele vy poluchite primerno 10000 pisem ot vashih rodstvennikov, znakomyh i po spiskam rassylki. Mnogo problem dostavyat podklyuchennye k vashemu uzlu pol'zovateli. Veroyatno rezkoe uvelichenie obshcheniya i kontaktov s lyud'mi na professional'noj pochve. Horoshij den' -- sreda. V etot den' kanaly padat' prakticheski ne budut. V chetverg nebol'shie problemy s den'gami - lichno vam prijdet 100M ot sertificirovannyh serverov. V subbotu vas zhdet nebol'shaya poezdka v bunker AO Relkom. Telec. Dostavit mnogo hlopot kollegam po rabote. On budet nedovolen polozheniem del i budet pytat'sya chto-to izmenit' ili zateyat' novoe delo. Perestavit uzlovuyu operacionku, pomenyaet vse paroli, smenit adresa primary dns-ov, a dresa gateway-ev izmenit na edinicu. Konflikty v sem'e budut prodolzhat'sya ves' noyabr', i v nekotoryh sem'yah oni mogut pererasti v krupnye ssory ili dazhe razvody vvidu otsutstviya vas doma. Horoshij den' -- voskresen'e, osobenno vecher - pivo budet neissyakaemo (sm. goroskop na sleduyushchej nedele - ponedel'nik). Bliznecy. Budut zanyaty problemami svoih provajderov. Plohoe material'noe polozhenie budet presledovat' vas vsyu nedelyu - prijdet preduprezhdenie ob otklyuchenii. Nekotorye Bliznecy postarayutsya smenit' professiyu na bolee vygodnuyu, naprimer na torgovlyu snikersami. Udachnyj den' -- chetverg - zikseli u vas ne povisnut. Rak. Problemy s IP-transportom, vozmozhny nedostavki pochty ili nedorazumeniya pri rasstanovke MX-ov i vasha pochta uedet v /dev/null. Vyhodnye dni vy provedete v krugu sem'i, hotya raboty budet ochen' mnogo. V odin iz dnej vozmozhen zvonok pol'zovatelya domoj v 3 chasa nochi. Lev. Ne sleduet zloupotreblyat' spirtnym, inache mogut vozniknut' bol'shie problemy s marshrutizaciej. Na etoj nedele ne sleduet zanimat'sya takimi veshchami, kak BGP, OSPF i sendmail.cf. V sredu -- neozhidannyj Gossvyaz'nadzora. Horoshij den' - pyatnica, osobenno vecherom. Opasajtes' lyudej s familiej Ermolaev. Deva. Budet zanyata rabotoj. Oshchushchaetsya ostraya nehvatka denezhnyh sredstv dlya pokupki CS2511. Staratel'no vse vzves'te pered tem kak perenesti uzel na novuyu mashinu. |ta nedelya udachna dlya perehoda na FreeBSD 2.1. Vesy. Budut zanyaty remontom ili blagoustrojstvom svoego uzla i rabochego mesta. Nakonec-to razberutsya s telefonnymi shnurami. Trudnyj period vo vseh otnosheniyah. Bol'shoe kolichestvo vstrech i peregovorov s razlichnymi instanciyami. Mogut vozniknut' problemy s rabotoj INN i newsserv. Horoshij den' -- chetverg - u vas opyat' konchitsya diskovoe prostranstvo v /var. Skorpion. Izmeneniya v rabote -- v luchshuyu storonu - udastsya postavit' pod uzel Pentium. Dve-tri nedeli vy budete dovol'ny vsem, no opasajtes' zavisanij i vypadenij processora iz ZIF-a. V pyatnicu ili subbotu utrom -- neozhidannoe izvestie po povodu ischeznoveniya kanala na M9. Strelec. Vasha neusidchivost' mozhet dostavit' vam ujmu problem. Na etoj nedele nel'zya primenyat' universal'nye patchi, kak by vam etogo ne hotelos'. Vas mogut zanesti v kill-file. Opasajtes' dyrok v zashchite. Blagopriyatnaya nedelya dlya obshcheniya s Anatoliem Lisovskim. Kozerog. Posle nebol'shogo zatish'ya, vnov' poyavlyayutsya novye gorizontal'nye svyazi. Mogut byt' problemmy s anonsirovaniem vashih setej v EUNET. Horoshij den' -- ponedel'nik. Vodolej. Problemy so zdorov'em vashego DNS. Vozmozhny zaciklivaniya i expire vashih zon iz-za neverno postavlennyh serijnyh nomerov. Izmenenie skorosti kanala v mci k luchshemu. V subbotu vecherom vy nakonec skachaete novyj IOS. Ne perehodite dorogu pered blizko idushchim kamazom. Ryby. Problemy s GL ne dayut vam zanyat'sya delami po-nastoyashchemu. Problemy c uucp zastavlyayut vas nervnichat' bol'she, chem obychno. Sovetuem popit' piva, inache vozmozhen nervnyj sryv. Horoshij den' -- pyatnica. x x x Dyad'ka vyhodit na scenu i probuet mikrofon: - Fyvap. Fyvap. Jcukeng... Sbornik Marazmov Sovetskih Programmistov From: Alexey Zubanov Newsgroups: relcom.humor Izdanie 1-e, nedorabotannoe PCS Corporation Publishing Division Moscow -1991- Vvedenie. Vse eti bredni byli sobrany parnyami iz PCS Corporation, kogda oni prohodili praktiku na UPK-2 Sevastopol'skogo r-na g. Moskvy. Osobaya blagodarnost': SHCHerbakovu Andreyu, Artemke (Istoriku) (Gannibal Co.), Leshe Petrovskomu (puhlomu porosenochku), Bahu, Ramazanu, mne, Mityayu Teplickomu i drugim brederam, kotorye brodili v UPK-2 Vesna-Leto 1991. Gorbushki sovetskih programmistov. Rezistor na 2 kilobajta. - Norton Commander dlya BK -- eto veshch' ! - Aga, a Stream Tracker dlya abaka eto prosto klass ... "HAKERY VSEH STRAN OB¬EDINYAJTESX" |tomu parazitu nado provoda otrezat'. |h ty, zashchelka ot diskovoda. SHCHa ves' v lente budesh' !!! - Pochemu u tebya stol'ko oshibok ? - |to Turbo Russkij ++ Diskovert - garnyj yashchik. Nehaj budem v em kukurudzu hraniti (ukr.) Insertni disk v dyrku A, zakroj zagogulinu i plyuhnis' na lyubuyu keyu. SHCHa pojdesh' v morg provoda rasputyvat'. U, bestyzhie glaza, vse diski prokusal. Magnit tebe v sumku. Diski svezhie, ne ochishchennye. Otpusti provod - mashine bol'no !!! Pri nazhatii na klavishu mashina izdaet pohotlivye vopli ... - A ot chago ona oret ? - |to zvuk programmy, kotoruyu zazhivo spuskayut v unitaz. Vyvesti by tebya v chistoe pole i nazhat' na Reset ... Ne bud', chem diski formatiruyut. K bor'be za chtenie chuzhih diskov, bud'te gotovy. |tih idiotov nado otkryvat' cherez odnogo i stirat' po ocheredi. Utopit' tebya v dannyh. Vstupajte v obshchestvo bor'by s bor'boj s virusami Uberi svoi gryaznye manipulyatory, pridurok. - Slushaj, esli kilobajt - 1024 bajt, to kilobab - - 1024 baby ? - Da kuda tebe stol'ko !!! CHtob tebe vsyu zhizn' na Fokale programmirovat'. (Variant: CHtob tebe Si dlya kal'kulyatora uchit'.) YA poet, zovus' Platosha, Ot menya Vam vsem mikrosha. (Pokazyvaetsya figa) Kak izvrashchatsya, tak na moem diske. Razvratnyj, kak Enter na "Korvete". S'Escape'ivajsya otsyuda poka po Ctrl+Alt+Del'u ne poluchil. Nu chto pishchish', kak dinamik ot ES'ki ... Ty chto, kartridzha ob®elsya ?! Ty, modem gramofonnyj, smodulirujsya bystro otsyuda !!! - U tebya vse na diske ?! - Ni bita sovesti u tebya netu !!! - Ty, morda rezidentnaya, spolzi sejchas zhe s moej mashiny, a to po FAT'u shvatish' ! - Ne kladi golovu na transformator - mozgi razmagnitish' ... - YA tebe pokopiruyu, ya tebe pokopiruyu ! SHCHas tak udalyu, nikakoj UnErase ne pomozhet ! - Ty, ezhik, konchaj vsyakie gadosti nabirat' - von uzhe monitor krasneet ! - Vo chto ty vse vremya igraesh' - probel do pola prodavil ! - Ty ne hacker, ty fucker ! - A ya... A ya virus dlya kal'kulyatora napisal ! - Da-a ?! Na Borland C++ ili Turbo Basic ? - Vojdi srochno v Turbo Pascal ! Nu bystrej, bystrej ! ... - Voshel ?! Nu i vyhodi !!! - Nu chto eto za redaktor ! |to ne redaktor pryamo, a Editor kakoj-to ! - Uh ty, kakaya veshch' ! Na chto ty nazhal ? Na chto ?! Nu molodec ! Genij ! ... On tebe disk otformatiroval... - Ty znaesh', DEC vypustila magnitofon dlya IBM ! - Aga, a eshche grammofon dlya Cray ! - SHCHas sotresh'sya otsyuda, dver' otkryt' ne uspeesh' ! - I-B-M-|r-C-A-T sovmistimyj s ... printerom !!! - Obychno dlya hraneniya informacii i programm ispol'zuetsya gibkij disk ili mozgi avtora ... - Za takie igry avtorov nado zastavlyat' vinchester vruchnuyu formatirovat' ili vmesto lenty v printer zaryazhat' ... - Klaviaturu pozhevat' ne hochesh' ? - Samyj korotkij virus napisan programmistom iz nashej firmy - - on zanimaet 0 bajt, i dazhe avtor ne znaet, chto on delaet. - Mikola, ya virus spymav ! - Tak tashchi ego syudy ! - U, yakij hitryj ! Ce tebe ni vedmevd' ! - Nu u tebya i shrift ! Huzhe, chem na abake ! - Molchi ! Ty i takoj isportish' ! - Kto trogal moyu mashinu, i vsyu vytrogal ?!! - |...|...| ty mne sejchas disk porvesh !!! - A pod skol'ko on u tebya ? - Pod 720 ... - Budut 2 po 360. - Na duraka posmotret' hochesh ? - Hochesh. - Von, opticheskij disk v ES'ku suet. - Diski ne nuzhny ? - A novye ? - Eshche devochki. Nichto neestestvennoe ne postydno i pechataemo. Unosya mashinu domoj, soskrebaj inventarnyj nomer. Luchshe grohnut' prezidenta, chem pomayat' rezidentov ... Sigaya v okno, zaveshchaj komu-nibud' diski. CHem bol'she programm mozhet spisat' programmist, tem vyshe on cenitsya. Prezhde, chem steret' fajl s diska, ubedis', chto on ne tvoj ! Modem na 19 i 6 Kilobot dlya Mikroshi Vidite li emu zahotelos' Wing Commander Sectrem Mission 2, a Diger Secret Mission 2000 tebe maslom ne pomazat'. Noski i Win/95 CHto delaet chelovek, esli emu ponadobilis' noski? Nu, dolzhno byt', lezet v kakoj-to shkaf, otyskivaet tam paket s noskami i vybiraet ottuda naibolee podhodyashchie. Vne vsyakogo somneniya, s obychnym grazhdaninom vse primerno tak i proishodit. I sovsem drugoe delo, esli on obladaet kakoj-nibud' komp'yuternoj specializaciej. Predlagaem vashemu vnimaniyu nereprezentativnuyu vyborku reakcij nekotoryh sub®ektov, podvergnutyh ispytaniyu poiskom noskov. 1. Vindyuk: Otkryvaet okno, lezet v nego, obrashchaetsya k shkaf-menedzheru, prochesyvaet s ego pomoshch'yu vse polki, ne nahodit nichego podhodyashchego, tak kak nichego pakovannogo ne vidit. 2. Vindyuk setevoj rabochegruppovoj: Smotri p.1; dalee sharit na polkah u svoih sosedej. Esli nahodit noski u nih, tiho prisvaivaet. 3. Vindyuk 95-go razmera: Smotri p.1; prichem ishchet noski tol'ko 95-go razmera. V konce koncov prekrashchaet poiski i pishet pis'mo Gejtsu s pros'boj prislat' novye noski. 4. Vindyuk slovolyubivyj: Smotri p.3; prichem pishet eto pis'mo v 6-m oknoslovnom formate s vklyuchennoj kartinkoj noska v razreze. 5. Vol'fodav: Zapisyvaetsya, priotkryvaet shkaf, daet v ego pugayushchuyu temnotu ochered', otskakivaet za stvorku i zhdet, ne otzovetsya li kto; zatem vlamyvaetsya v shkaf i proveryaet vse pakety na nalichie v nih sekretov. V sluchae neozhidannostej inogda begaet na kuhnyu, posle chego snova zapisyvaetsya. 6. Dummer: Prikladyvaet uho k shkafu, vnimatel'no izuchaet potustoronnie zvuki; dalee smotri p.5. Noski neredko nosit okrovavlennymi. 7. Kvestalker: Otpiraet shkaf, primeryaet vse podryad v raznyh kombinaciyah, zatem suet vse soderzhimoe shkafa v chemodan - na vsyakij sluchaj. Dalee vremya ot vremeni bezrezul'tatno ishchet noski v chemodane. 8. Gejmover: Ronyaet na sebya shkaf, posle chego nachinaet vse zanovo. 9. Uzer: Zovet yuzera i prosit najti emu noski, potom stoit ryadom i molka smotryat. 10. YUzer: Klichet sistemasistika i predlagaet emu reshit' interesnuyu zadachu poiska noskov, potom stoit ryadom i vremya ot vremeni govorit erundu. 11. Sisiemasistik: Dolgo rugaet uzera i yuzera za bestolkovost' i hoas v shchkafu, rashoduet tri rabochih dnya na navedenie v shkafu malomal'skogo poryadka, posle chego svobodnogo mesta v nem ne ostaetsya, i neobhodimye noski vykidyvayutsya ottuda na pomojku. 12. Paskalyant: Otkryvaet obe stvorki shkafa, ishchet noski, nahodit chulki, pereopredelyaet sobstvennyj tip, nadevaet chulki, krasit guby i saditsya za LINES. 13. Sych: Ishchet noski, ne nahodit, dolgo rugaet Borlanda, zatem polgoda stroit v shkafu noskostroitel'nuyu fabriku. 14. Sych s pricepom: Smotri p.13; potom dolgo hodit ves' obveshannyj raznocvetnymi noskami i hvastaetsya imi pered podrugami. 15. Asmatik: V shkaf ne lezet, odnako snimaet s sebya shtany, raspuskaet ih na nitki, potom vyazhet iz nitok noski, kostyum-trojku, zanavesku na okna, a takzhe postel'noe bel'e. Na navolochku nitok ne hvataet, i togda on raspletaet noski. 16. Haker: Razvorachivaet shkaf, vybivaet u nego zadnyuyu stenku, lezet vnutr', rezhet vse pakety i tkani, poka ne nahodit noski. Nosit noski gordo, no v glubokoj tajne (to est' v botinkah). 17. Bajsyak: Nahodit noski, no ne v silah ih nadet', tak kak slishkom stesnen svezhimi pelenkami. 18. Buhgalter'er: Esli nahodit noski, to tut zhe pryachet ih tak, chto nikto i nikogda ne najdet. O detyah Poluchiv na uroke informatiki dvojku, Sidorov udalil stranicu i pereformatiroval dnevnik. Top Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried * 10 - New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows 3.1.pl95. * 9 - His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in his sleep, not just laying there. * 8 - Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland. * 7 - Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's. * 6 - Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could defeat the GPL. * 5 - 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't. * 4 - Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little anti-trust between friends." * 3 - Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth Torvalds" * 2 - Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X" * 1 - He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP ME SAVE MY ASS!" Brian A. Lantz(brian@lantz.com) Last updated: March 1, 1995 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does god know unix? Take your time to understand this riddle. This is the funniest message I have ever read. GOD ONLINE ************************ In the beginning there was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #Enter user id. :God #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. :Technocrat * #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create light #Done :Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. :Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. :Create firmament #Done. :Run firmament #And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land #Done. :Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create sun_moon_stars #Done :Run sun_moon_stars #And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. :Create fish #Done :Create fowl #Done :Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. :Create cattle #Done :Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Move man to Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. :Insert man into woman #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill #Done :Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good, evil #Done :Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. * #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. :Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. :Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. :Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. :Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. :Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. To Igor Roshchin's homepage. God as programmer Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Q: Does God know everything? A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase. Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant. Q: What is the role of sinners? A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. Q: Where will I go after I die? A: Onto a DAT tape. [At least its not an 8mm tape.] Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe? A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe? A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion? A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: Is God angry that we crucified him? A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder. Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email. Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail? =*= To Igor Roshchin's homepage. Pol'zovateli i sistemnye programmisty Edut v kupe poezda chetyre pod'zovatelya. Na kazhdogo po biletu. V sosednem kupe edut chetyre sistemnyh programmista. U nih na vseh tol'ko odin bilet. Ozhidaetsya prihod kontrolera(ne kontrollera). Sistemnye programmisty zakryvayutsya v tualete. Prihodit kontrolyar. Proveryaet bilety u pol'zovatelej i podhodit k tualetu. Stuchit. Iz dveri vysovyvaetsya ruka i protyagivaet bilet. Kontroler proveryaet ego i uhodit. Edut obratno te zhe dve kompanii, tol'ko na vseh pol'zovatelej odin bilet, a na vseh programmistov ni odnogo bileta. Prihodit kontroler. Pol'zovateli zakryvayutsya v tualete. Sistemnye programmisty stuchatsya k nim. Iz-za dveri vysovyvaetsya ruka s biletom. Sistemnye programmisty zabirayut bilet i zakryvayutsya v drugom tualete. Prihodit kontroler. . . Soobshchenie o Microsoft Windows BS Extra V blizhajshee vremya nachnetsya rasprostranenie novogo produk- ta Microsoft Corporation - Microsoft Windows BS Extra. |tot produkt yavlyaetsya estestvennym razvitiem MS Windows versij 3.0 i 3.1, otlichayushchimsya bolee razvitymi sistemnymi vozmozhnostyami i druzhestvennym k rabotnikam Microsoft Corporation interfejsom pol'zovatelya. Installyaciya produkta trebuet 165 Mb diskovogo prost- ranstva, 32 Mb pamyati, processora i486 ili luchshe. V silu svoe- go vysokogo kachestva Microsoft Windows BS Extra ves'ma trebo- vatel'na k konfiguracii, i, esli etot paket po kakim-libo pri- chinam ne zapuskaetsya na vashem komp'yutere, firma rekomenduet menyat' mashiny do teh por, poka ona, nakonec, ne zapustitsya. Uluchshen interfejs pol'zovatelya, tak, naprimer, v celyah ekonomii ekrannoj ploshchadi, znachok "Ok", v kotoryj sleduet po- padat' mysh'yu, umen'shen v dva raza, idet rabota nad umen'sheniem ego v chetyre i bolee raz. Vvedeno, pomimo dvojnogo (double), trojnoe (triple) i chetvernoe (quadruple) nazhatie klavishi myshi. Pri etom sleduet imet' v vidu. chto nazhatie ostal'nyh, ne ispol'zuemyh programmoj klavish, mozhet privesti k nepredskazue- mym posledstviyam, i poetomu rekomenduetsya vylamyvat' ih iz my- shi pered installyaciej. a ekran vyvodyatsya teper' soobshcheniya obo VSEH neozhidannostyah, vstrechennyh programmoj v pamyati ili na diske, dlya dohodchivosti ih prochtenie sleduet podtverdit' ne menee chem pyat' raz. Uvelicheno raznoobrazie neopisannyh tipov fajlov, eshche bolee specializirovano soderzhanie fajlov iniciali- zacii. Poskol'ku uvelichen ob®em instrukcij pol'zovatelya, ot- nosyashchijsya k tomu, kak nazhimat' klavishi, opisaniya fajlov inici- alizacii v dokumentacii opushcheny. Microsoft Windows BS Extra trebuet SVGA card, rabotaet v rezhime tol'ko 256 cvetov, hotya neopytnyj pol'zovatel' mozhet etogo i ne zametit' - vse graficheskie prilozheniya po-prezhnemu ispol'zuyut 16-ti cvetovuyu palitru - eto tak trogatel'no! Uluchshen i mnogozadachnyj rezhim: razmer kvanta vremeni, vy- delyaemyj kazhdoj zadache unificirovan, i sostavlyaet odnu minutu. Vvedeno mnogo novyh standartov, vklyuchaya al'ternativu standartu ASCII, i novoj grammatiki anglijskogo yazyka. Vse oni nedokumentirovannye, no, utverzhdaet Bill Gejts, eto i ne nuzh- no, rabotniki Microsoft Corporation legko obhodyatsya bez dopol- nitel'nyh prilozhenij, a, znachit, obojdutsya i ostal'nye pol'zo- vateli. Sleduet priuchat' pol'zovatelej k ispol'zovaniyu produk- tov tol'ko Microsoft Corporation, a programmistov - k rabote tol'ko v ee ramkah. Vvod-vyvod i schet - vot vse, chto mozhet po- nadobit'sya programmistu v srede Microsoft Windows BS Extra! Vse ostal'noe uzhe sdelano Microsoft Corporation. Vryad li kto-libo zahochet nechto, chego ne smogli predusmotret' dazhe programmisty Microsoft Corporation! Syurpriz predstoit takzhe i neangloyazychnym pol'zovatelyam: dopolnitel'nye znaki alfavita ih yazyka oni najdut v novom, bo- lee udobnom Microsoft Corporation meste. Spisok programm, konfliktuyushchih s Microsoft Windows BS Extra, ne mozhet byt' zdes' priveden, tak kak zanimaet 392 Kb. Odnako mozhno s uverennost'yu skazat', chto Microsoft Windows BS Extra vhodit v konflikt so vsemi programmami firm IBM i Symantec (poslednee bylo dostignuto posle dolgogo truda), a takzhe mnogimi drugimi. Edinstvennoj rekomendaciej v etom slu- chae yavlyaetsya nemedlennoe udalenie s zhestkogo diska vsego, chto ne otnositsya k Microsoft Windows BS Extra. V etoj versii razrabotchiki polnost'yu otkazyvayutsya ot sle- dovaniya principam MSDOS, priznavaya ee svoej oshibkoj i tupiko- vym napravleniem. Sootvetstvenno, tak kak, po zavereniyam prog- rammistov Microsoft Corporation, funkciya vypolneniya DOSovskih prilozhenij iz sredy Windows ne pol'zuetsya sredi nih bol'shoj populyarnost'yu, v novom produkte ona bolee ne podderzhivaetsya. "CHto goditsya dlya nas - sgoditsya i dlya vas" - takov novyj deviz Microsoft Corporation. Esli sistema Windows NT byla provozglashena zamenoj UNIX'u, to Microsoft Windows BS Extra, po mysli rukovodstva Microsoft Corporation predstoit zamenit' voobshche vse myslimye operacionnye ststemy, tak ona horosha. Vse zhe sluhi o tom, chto BS oznachaet "Big Shit" ("Bol'shoe der'mo"), ne sootvetstvuyut dejstvitel'nosti. Smajly :-) na russkom :) Ulybka Prosto (:-) Bol'shaya Ulybka :-) SHutka ;-) Avtor Pozvolil Sebe Vol'nost' I Prosit Ne Bit' Ego Sil'no Nogami :-> Zamechanie Polnoe Sarkazma >:-> Prosto Ubijstvennoe Zamechanie >;-) D'yavol'skai Sarkasticheskaya Uhmylka :-| Avtor Ser'ezen :-< Avtor Ser'ezen Kak Nikogda =-) Veselo! 8-) Nu ni figa sebe... :-/ Vryad Li... :-S Skazano Bessvyaznoe Utverzhdenie :-& Azh YAzyk Zapletaetsya X-) Strashno! :-( Grustno... B-) Vzglyad |ksperta ^:-) Krysha Edet Vmeste S Domom %-) Pyalilsya Na |kran Vsyu Noch'... ZH-) ZHmuritsya :*) P'yan :-O Krik :-* Poceluj :-P Pokazal YAzyk :<) Krutoj YA Tipa... [:] Robot ("Mashina Ved' Dura...") <|-) Zasekrechen <|-( Tovarishch Iz Podpol'ya Neoficial'nyj slovar' ulybok. :-) Vasha osnovnaya ulybka. Ispol'zuetsya dlya oboznacheniya sarkastiches- kogo ili shutlivogo sostoyaniya, poskol'ku golos cherez Unix usly- shat' nikak ne udaetsya. ;-) Ulybka s podmigivaniem. Vy flirtuete i/ili delaete sarkastiches- koe zamechanie. Bol'she pohozhe na ulybku tipa "ne bejte menya za to, chto ya tol'ko chto skazal". :-( Hmuraya ulybka. Ne nravitsya poslednyaya fraza, ili to k chemu ona otnosilas', ili rasstroen ili vpal v unynie po povodu chego-to. :-I Ravnodushnaya ulybka. Luchshe chem Hmuraya, no ne nastol'ko horosha, kak Schastlivaya. :-> Tol'ko chto otpushchena po-nastoyashchemu sarkasticheskaya ostrota. Huzhe chem :-) >:-> Tol'ko chto sdelano kakoe-to d'yavol'ski smeshnoe zamechanie. >;-> Podmigivayushchaya i d'yavol'skaya vmeste. Ochen' uzh pohotlivoe zameche- nie bylo sdelano. |to byli osnovnye... Teper' neskol'ko menee obshcheupotrebitel'nyh: (-: Ulybka levshi %-) Posle