togo kak vy pyatnadcat' chasov podryad tarashchili glaza v televizor. :*) Vy p'yany [:] Vy - robot 8-) Nosite solnechnye ochki i ulybaetes' B:-) Te zhe ochki, no na lbu ::-) Nosite obychnye ochki, a ulybka ne shodit B-) Nosite rogovye ochki 8:-) Vy - ulybayushchayasya malen'kaya devochka :-)-8 Vy - Bol'shaya devochka :-{) U vas est' usy :-{} Guby nakrasheny {:-) Nosite parik }:-( Parik popal v struyu vozduha :-[ Ulybka Vampira :-E Ulybka vampira s klykami :-F To zhe, no odnogo zuba net :-7 Vas otchego-to skrivilo :-* Tol'ko chto s®eli chto-to kisloe :-)~ Slyuni raspustili :-~) Vam holodno :'-( Plachete :'-) Plachete ot schast'ya :-@ Izdaete vopl' :-# Podzhali guby :^) Sloman nos :v) Sloman nos, no v druguyu storonu :_) Nos kuda-to sovsem s®ehal :<) Boksom zanimaetes' :-& U vas yazyk bez kostej =:-) Prikinulis' shlangom -:-) Vy - pank -:-( (nastoyashchie panki ne ulybayutsya) :=) U vas dva nosa +-:-) Vy - ili Papa Rimskij ili derzhite kakoe-to drugoe religioznoe zavedenie `:-) Sbrili odnu brov' segodnya utrom ,:-) To zhe ...s drugoj storony |-I Spat' ohota |-O Zevaete/hrapite :-Q Vy - kuril'shchik :-? Predpochitaete kurit' trubku O-) Vy - megafon na patrul'noj mashine! O :-) Vy - angel (po krajnej mere v dushe) :-P Kii-ya-ya! :-S Tol'ko chto skazali nechto nesvyaznoe :-D Nad vami smeyutsya! :-X Rot na zamke :-C Vy - nastoyashchij lodyr' <|-) Kitaec <|-( Kitaec, no takih shutok ne lyubit :-/ Skeptik C=:-) Boss @= Storonnik ogranichennoj yadernoj vojny. *<:-) Nosite shapku Deda Moroza :-o Uh Oh! (8-o |to mister Bill! *:o) I kloun Bozo! 3:] Ulybka domashnego zhivotnogo 3:[ Nedobraya ulybka domashnego zhivotnogo d8= Vash ruchnoj bobr nosit zashchitnye ochki i shlyapu E-:-) Vy operator na radio :-9 Oblizavaete guby %-6 Krysha s®ehala [:-) Slushaete plejer (:I YAjcegolovyj <:-I Polnyj tupica K:P Malen'kij rebenok s propellerom @:-) Nosite tyurban :-0 Ne orat'! :-: Ulybka mutanta Nevidimaya ulybka .-) U vas tol'ko odin glaz ,-) To zhe...no eshche i podmigivaete X-( Vy tol'ko chto skonchalis' 8 :-) Vy - volshebnik C=}>;*{)) Super-ulybka... P'yanyj v dosku, vo vstavshem dybom parike, s usami i dvojnym podborodkom Zamechanie: Bol'shinstvo mogut byt' narisovany bez nosa, kak by demons- triruya miniatyurnuyu ulybku. :) Miniatyurnaya ulybka :] Druzheskaya ulybka togo kto byl ba rad byt' vashim drugom =) Variaciya na temu... :} Kak my eto nazovem? (kak?) :) Schastliv :> chto? :@ chto? :D Smeh :I Hmmm... :( ZHal' :[ Doveli do ruchki :< chto? :{ chto? :O Vopl' :C chto? :Q chto? :,( Plach [] Obnimayu i :* celuyu |I Spyashchij |^o Hrapyashchij :-` ulybayas' vyplevyvaete zhevatel'nyj tabak :-1 vezhlivaya ulybka :-! " :-@ ulabayushcheesya vopyashchee lico :-#| ulybayushcheesya lico s gustymi usami :-$ ulybka s zakrytym rtom :-% ulybayushchijsya bankir :-6 ulybka posle togo kak vy s®eli chto-to kisloe :^) ostronosaya ulybka :-7 skrivilo 8-) ulybka plovca :-* s®eli chto-to gor'koe :-& molchalivaya ulybka :-0 ulybka oratora ulybka nevidimki (:-( nesmeshno nahmurilis' (:-) bol'shaya ulybayushchayasya fizionomiya ):-) " ):-( bol'shaya grustnaya fizionomiya )8-) ulybka akvalangista =:-) ulybayushchijsya pank =:-( (panki ne ulybayutsya) +:-) ulybayushchijsya svyashchennik :-q ulybka pri popytke kosnut'sya yazykom nosa :-e razocharovannaya ulybka :-t serditaya ulybka :-i poluulybka :-o ulybka vo vremya ispolneniya nacional'nogo gimna :-p vam pokazali yazyk :-[ grustnyj bolvan :-] ulybayushchijsya bolvan :-{ variaciya na temu ulybki :-} to zhe {:-) nosite volosy na pryamoj probor i ulybaetes' }:-) veter v ...volosah :-a ulybayas' kasaetes' yazykom nosa s levoj storony :-s ulybka posle nevnyatnogo kommentariya :-d nalevo vy ulybnut'sya ne mozhete g-) ulybka v pensne :-j levaya ulybka :-k menya vyrubaet, na chto-to pohozhe vse-taki :-: ulybka mutanta :-\ nereshitel'naya ulybka :-| ulybka "mne plevat' kakoj u vas budet den'" ;-) hitraya ulybka :-< po-nastoyashchemu pechal'naya ulybka :-x ulybka "rot na zamke" :-c ulybka bezdel'nika :-v ulybka kommentatora :v) nos nalevo :-b yazyk nalevo :-/ levo-nereshitel'naya ulybka :-? ulybayas' kurite trubku .-] ulybka odnoglazogo ,-} krivaya ulybka s podmigivaniem 0-) ulybayushchijsya ciklop (vodolaz?) :-=) ulybayushchijsya starik s borodoj :> miniatyurnaya ulybka :-) ha-ha |-) hi-hi |-D ho-ho :-> hej-hej 8 :-I Unix-volshebnik :-( bu-bu X-( samoubijca :-I hmm E-:-I net.ham-radio :-O uh-oh >:-I net.startrek :-P nyam-nyam 3:o[ net.pets |-P juk :-} boroda :-{ usy :-# gubki naduty :-Q kuril'shchik <:I tupica (:I yajcegolovyj @:I tyurban 8-) ochki B-) rogovye 8:-) ochki na lbu :-8( snishoditel'nyj vzglyad >:-< beshennyj Drama :-( Komediya :-) Syurpriz :-o Vnimanie 8-| Muzhchina :- ZHenshchina >- Rozhdenie |-O Smert' 8-# Beskonechnost' 8 ---<--{(@ A eto roza! Flame form Dear: [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer [ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist [ ] Scammer [X] Dumbass [ ] Pre-teen You Are Being Flamed Because: [ ] You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines [ ] You posted something asking for warez sites [X] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread [ ] You started an off-topic thread [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll [ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above) [ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone famous [X] You said "me too" to something [X] You suck [ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks [ ] You posted a phone-sex ad [ ] Your ad sucks anyway since nobody asked for it [ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money-making scheme and claimed it was legal [ ] I think you might be a fed [ ] You spam [ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you kEwL [ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally worthless that you are being flamed anyway To Repent, You Must: [ ] Stop masturbating for a week [X] Give up your AOL account [X] Be my love slave for a month. [ ] Tell your Mommy you've been a bad boy [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor [ ] Actually post something relevant [ ] Read the FAQ [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month In Closing, I'd Like to Say: [X] Blow me [ ] Get a life [ ] Never post again [ ] Age 10 more years before you post again [ ] I pity your dog [ ] Go to hell [ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc... [ ] Take your shit somewhere else [ ] Get fucked, you pathetic loser [X] Learn to post or fuck off [ ] All of the above END FLAME Frequently Answered Answers. CHasto otvechaemye otvety Yes Da Sure you can Konechno mozhete Yes of course Da, razumeetsya No, shame on you! Net, stydites' 1.000.000 roubles $200 500.000 roubles $100 250.000 roubles $50 Cash on the nail! Utrom den'gi, vecherom stul'ya Dejstvitel'no poleznye sovety (v podrazhanie Grigoriyu Osteru) Komanda UH / / "Mahaon" / posle dlitel'noj i prodolzhitel'noj bor'by . . . . . . . Esli printer postoyanno Rvet i pachkaet bumagu, Ty narvi ee pobol'she, I napachkaj pozhirnee, A potom nesi na firmu, Gde kupil ty etot printer, Pust' proklyatye pohodyat S bezobrazno chernym zadom. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya printera Robotron ... * * * * * * Kol' povis - chto myshku klikat'? V klavu tkni tremya pal'ca'mi Ili Any Key potrogaj, Ili vyklyuchi pitan'e, Mozhno iz rozetki tozhe, No vsego, konechno, luchshe Kabel' oborvat' v podvale. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Windows'95 ... * * * * * * Kol' modem na 28 Derzhit carrier na 300, |to, pravo, bespolezno, Othengap'sya, luchshe vojsom Pozvoni ej po-prostomu. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya liniyami MGTS ... * * * Esli Enter zapadaet Na chuzhoj klaviature, Ty ej postuchi ob stenku, A potom po nej zhe stulom, A potom oblej kakao, Mozhno takzhe pepsi-koloj, A potom vklyuchi v rozetku. Na chuzhoj klaviature |to ochen' pomogaet. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Keyboard ... * * * Esli u tebya v sisteme Ob®yavilsya novyj virus, Ty ne bejsya ponaprasnu, Odolzhi vinchester drugu, CHtob vernul cherez nedelyu, Vot uvidish' - budet chisto! ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Antivirus ... * * * * * * Esli pentyuh pod vindami Vint skrebet, kak nenormal'nyj, Vindosy potri skoree, I glyuchnyh takih paketov Ne yuzaj ty luchshe vovse. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Windows 3.1, Windows'95 ... * * * * * * Esli v vashem monitore Svili gnezda tarakany, Ih ne much'te dihlofosom, Prosto priotkrojte kryshku I pustite pauchihu. CHerez nebol'shoe vremya Tam sozdastsya (kak uchili) Vidovoe ravnoves'e Paukov i tarakanov. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya monitora Daewoo ... * * * * * * Esli mesta ne hvataet Dlya Desanta ili Dooma, Ty nachal'nikovy GIFy Udali bez rassuzhden'ya, I poluchish' srazu 30 Megabajt, a to i bol'she. A kogda nachal'nik sprosit, Gde zhe vsya ego pornuha, Ty otvet', chto vyel virus Sis'ki u ego kartinok. ... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Playboy ... Kak-to raz dva gusara v IorkshIre Pochitat' KOI-8 reshili. No ves' tekst ih modem Prevratil v KOI-7, KOI-6, KOI-5 i 4. Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the net http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm ¡ http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG. 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed. YuN. Pesnya o programmistskoj molodosti YUrij Nesterenko ¡ http://yun.complife.net/ Kogda malo kto znal, chto znachit Ctrl-Alt-Del, Kogda ne kazhdyj rebenok kal'kulyator imel, A pod slovom "Paskal'" ponimalsya obychno filosof, Eshche ne vse perforatory pustili na slom, No my prishli v etot mir, i my poshli naprolom, I ne znali pokoya ot novyh idej i voprosov. My byli molody i ne strashilis' pregrad, Gde ne spaset perezapusk, pomozhet format, A esli ne bylo kopij, my taktiku brali inuyu - Po disketam my polzali, i po chastyam Sobirali ostanki pogibshih programm I shestnadcatirichnye dump'y vvodili vruchnuyu. My privychno plevali na lyuboj Copyright, Nam kazalis' prostorom dazhe 100 kilobajt, My uchili assembler, ne znavshij komand umnozhen'ya. Raspechatki ne rezali my na listy, I nashi pervye virusy byli prosty, No my vse-taki byli v vostorge ot ih razmnozhen'ya. My ne boyalis' togda - my byli mnogo smelej - Ni plohih sektorov, ni magnitnyh polej, I dazhe sboj po pitaniyu ne byl istochnikom straha. Nam bylo vse tryn-trava, nam bylo prosto sovsem Odnim nazhatiem na knopku povesit' SM, Nam sluzhil DVK, i nam povinovalas' Yamaha. No pered nami progress otkryval vse puti, I, brosiv staryh druzej radi novyh XT, My vyzhimali, chto mozhno, iz DOS i iz arhitektury, Menyali kody komand, trassirovali INT'y Dizassemblirovali BIOS i pisali v porty To, chto ya b ne pozvolil pechatat' na meste cenzury. No eto vremya proshlo, no eto bylo davno, Teper' y kazhdogo nudnoj raboty polno, I zakazchik-durak tychet myshkoj v kartinochki gordo. I my piratstvo uzhe pochti schitaem grehom, I obrosli Aidstest'ami, kak derevo mhom - U nas tak mnogo zashchit, chto poroj zabyvaem password'y. A ved' kogda-to ne boyalis' my programmy lyuboj, I s odnim lish' debug'om vyhodili na boj, I iskusno napisannyj virus vsrechali kak brata. A teper' my, chut' chto, nazhimaem reset... Da, kuda ne pojdesh' - vezde natknesh'sya na RET, I eshche horosho, esli v steke est' adres vozvrata. Teper' nam len' izoshchrat'sya, optimizirovat' kod, I interfejs s durakami my pishem iz godu v god, Svyklis' s moshchnoj mashinoj, otvykli ot vsyakogo riska. Zabyli kody komand i staryh tryukov zapas, I tol'ko nenavist' k Windows poroyu y nas Zazhigaet ogon' v glazah, kak indikator Hard Disk'a. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load draver of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. DOOM II Copyright (c) 1996 Norvezhskij Lesnoj ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Svetlane SHikinoj (Malen'kij rasskaz o tom, chto poluchaetsya, kogda igraesh' v DEATHMATCH pod "POGONYU" (iz k/f "Edinstvennaya") Vladimira Vysockogo) Ot steny k stene YA bezhal vpered. CH'ya-to ten' v okne Na ispug beret. "Zdes' ya, na krayu, Psy pozornye!" Nu a sam poyu "Ochi chernye." Ochi strastnye, Kak lyubil ya vas! Dveri raznye Razluchili nas. T'mu, kak maslo - nozh Rezhet sinij luch. Iz-pod serdca - drozh', Iz-pod trupa - klyuch. Po koleno krov', V pol uhodit dver'. Za stenoyu vnov' Stonet novyj zver'. CHej teper' chered Padat' mordoj v gryaz'? |tot son projdet, Tol'ko ne dlya nas. YA plyuyus' ognem, Da s obeih ruk. ZHizn' - teatr, i v nem Est' poslednij krug. Est' poslednij hod, Est' poslednij shag. Gde menya najdet Moj poslednij vrag. Budto v pervyj raz Obruchennye, Kak lyubil ya vas, Ochi chernye! Sentyabr' 1996 Be careful with installation Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Programmer's drinking song 100 little bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... Repeat until BUGS = 0 Uvazhaj svoego shefa. U tebya mog by byt' i huzhe SHef vsegda prav. SHef ne spit, SHef otdyhaet. SHef ne est, SHef vosstanavlivaet sily. SHef ne p'et, SHef degustiruet. SHef ne flirtuet, SHef obuchaet kadry. Kto prihodit so svoimi ubezhdeniyami, vyhodit s ubezhdeniyami SHefa. CH'i ubezhdeniya sovpadayut s ubezhdeniyami SHefa, tot delaet kar'eru. SHef ne krichit, SHef ubeditel'no vyskazyvaet svoyu tochku zreniya. SHef ne pochesyvaet zatylok, SHef obdumyvaet reshenie. SHef ne krivitsya, SHef ulybaetsya bez entuziazma. SHef ne trus, SHef postupaet predusmotritel'no. SHef ne neuch, SHef predpochitaet tvorcheskuyu praktiku besplodnoj teorii. SHef ne beret vzyatki, SHef prinimaet znaki blagodarnosti. SHef ne lyubit spleten, SHef vnimatel'no vyslushivaet mnenie sotrudnikov. SHef ne myamlit, SHef delitsya razmyshleniyami. SHef ne lzhet, SHef - diplomat. SHef ne upryam, SHef posledovatelen. SHef ne lyubit podhalimov, SHef premiruet loyal'nyh rabotnikov. SHef ne perenosit kliki, SHef uvazhaet slazhennyj kollektiv. SHef ne izmenyaet svoej zhene, SHef vyezzhaet v komandirovku. SHef ne opazdyvaet, SHefa zaderzhivayut vazhnye dela. Esli hochesh' zhit' i rabotat' spokojno, ne operezhaj SHefa v razvitii. Esli SHef ne prav, chitaj snachala. Things you learn about computers from the movies 1. Word processors never display a cursor 2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 6. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in computers. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. 7. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villian's desktop computer, even if it's turned off ... 8. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The REALLY advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. 9. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data or going through the shut down process. 10. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world and guess the secret password in two tries. 11. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function 12. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building 13. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file. 14. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is useable by all computer platforms. 15. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 16. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. Oda o detal'ke From: Denis Nedbaev. Email: nedbus@te.net.ua ¡ mailto:nedbus@te.net.ua WWW: http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/ ¡ http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/ Kovyryalsya kak-to mal'chik Gryaznym pal'cem v mazerborde I natknulsya na detal'ku CHto najti vsegda hotel on On hotel ee ottuda Vybit' papinym zubilom Vdrug razdalsya zvuk uzhasnyj Slovno derevo upalo Mal'chik radost'yu siyaet I v ruke detal' szhimaet Szadi papa podoshel vdrug On uslyshal hrust uzhasnyj I glaza ego polezli Vdrug na nos ego korotkij Dikim voplem izoshelsya Rot raskrytyj kak peshchera Mal'chik shchas zhe obernulsya I uvidel ryadom papu I skazal on "Zdravstvuj papa! CHto krichish' ty tak zhestoko Il' ne znaesh' chto krichat' tak Na detej svoih nel'zya?" No vdrug papa izmenilsya Na lice gorit zhelan'e Vseh ubit' kogo ni vstretit Ruki szhalis' kulakami Tak chto nogti kozhu rezhut Mal'chik vidya peremeny I plohoj konec pochuyav Szhalsya v malen'kij komochek I glaza zakryl rukami Zvon stekla zapomnil mal'chik Bol' v boku i veter v ushi A eshche polet nedolgij I eshche asfal't nemyagkij YuN. Pesnya o supervisor'e YUrij Nesterenko ¡ http://yun.complife.net/ Po Novell'ovskim prostoram Server fajly rassylaet; Mezhdu printerom i dver'yu Vossedaet supervisor, Cyberdaemon'u podobnyj. CHernyh zamyslov on polon: On krutoj upgrade zamyslil, Ot kotorogo, konechno, Set' rabotat' stanet huzhe, No zato uznaet kazhdyj, Kto v kontore samyj glavnyj. Haker stonet ot dosady, Ponimaya, chto pridetsya Vse lomalki dlya parolej Perepisyvat' snachala. Sekretarshi tozhe stonut: Im vdrug stali nedostupny Direktorii s Prefclub'om I igrushkoj Lines lyubimoj. Glupyj yuzer robko pryachet Tri igrushki v kataloge, Atribut im stavit hidden, Po naivnosti nadeyas', CHto nikto ih ne zametit. Tol'ko zlobnyj supervisor Lezet smelo i svobodno V direktorii chuzhie: Skoro! Skoro vse povisnut! (C) YuN, 1996 Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo From: Paul_Chibisov@dialogbank.com A vot i moj nebol'shoj vklad v kollekciyu. Vsem programmistam i sistemnym administratoram posvyashchaetsya Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo, Kogda uzhe nechego pit'. Komp'yuter stoit, za okoshkom stemnelo I tyanet pogovorit'. Ruter gudit ne na strah, a na sovest', SHumy i signaly lovya. I gde-to bezhit po provodochkam K drugu programma tvoya. Rabochaya stanciya zabarahlila, Vybrosiv v setochku gryaz'. Repiter, poduv, chto eto ne delo, Stal ee otklyuchat'. A yuzera programmy yuzali, Krushila vibraciya disk. I Novelya vdrug skazali: "Ustali!" I stali server gruzit'. Izmuchennyj p'yanyj administrator, So stula podnyat'sya ne mog. Naslushavshis' pesen deda Makara, On povtoryal skol'ko mog... Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo, Kogda uzhe nechego pit'. Komp'yuter stoit, za okoshkom stemnelo I tyanet pogovorit'. Korpusok (s)Leonid Kaganov http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/ ¡ http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/ dlya "Planeta Intepnet" N%3-4 1998 K O R P U S O K (kratkoe posobie detyam po sborke domashnego komp'yutera iz nelikvidov) Stoit na stole korpusok - ne nizok ne vysok, ne lezhachij, ne SLIM, i blok pitaniya s nim. Bezhala myshka-klikushka. Tuk-tuk - kto v korpusochke zhivet? Hikogo. Budu zdes' zhit', korpusok storozhit', begat' vo dvorike, spat' na kovrike. Vdrug razdaetsya snova zvuk - tuk-tuk. Kto v korpusochke zhivet? |to ya, myshka-klikushka. A ya materinskaya plata - otvertkoj pocarapana, zhizn'yu pomyata, SX-25, baba yagodka opyat', vsya zhizn' vperedi - hot' sejchas pod Windows-NT. Hu raz pod NT - togda prohodi. Vdrug - tuk-tuk. |to ya, vidyushka-morgushka, Trident-256, razreshite na minutochku v ISA-slot prisest'? Otchego zhe ne prisest', koli mesto est'? Slotov pyat', mozhesh' vybirat'. Tol'ko luchshe von tot s krayu, on rabotaet, a pro ostal'nye ne znayu. Vdrug - snova tuk-tuk. Kto v korpusochke zhivet? YA, myshka-klikushka, ya vidyushka-morgushka, ya materinskaya plata, malost' pomyata, i so mnoyu processor - mudryj kak professor, a ty kto? A ya mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, so mnoyu shlejfy k vinchesteru i diskovodu, prekrasno rabotayut v suhuyu pogodu. A eshche LPT-port, GAME-port i dva COM porta - vot takaya krasota. Hu prohodi, sadis' v ISA-slot. Luchshe konechno von v tot - prostornyj kak kreslo, ne smotri chto on tresnul. Budem zhit'-pozhivat', bajty gonyat'. A ty, myshka, podhodi, ne stesnyajsya, k portu COM2 podklyuchajsya. Tuk-tuk - bip-bip, eto ya, klaviatura, pyl'naya dura. Treh klavish ne hvataet, ostal'nye zapadayut. Russkih bukv net, vmesto 'Y' - 'Z'. Esli menya otmyt' - zarabotayu mozhet byt'. Hu podhodi, vtykajsya v raz®em, vmeste veselo zazhivem! Khe-khe, skol'ko let, skol'ko zim! |to ya, megabajtnyj sim. Sim? Idi ty? Da ty nebos' bityj? YA bityj? Gospod' s toboyu! Za desyat' let vsego tri sboya. Ustal ya s dorogi, protrite spirtom nogi... Ladno vhodi. YA materinskaya plata - kak snezhnaya lopata. Hot' i bez kesha, no bezumno horosha. Zahodi synok, von tvoe gnezdo na 30 nog. Tuk-tuk! YA monitor VGA. 640 na 480 i bol'she ni figa. So mnoyu chemodan - v nem zashchitnyj ekran. Hi ot chego ne zashchishchaet, zato smotret' meshaet: sbezhish' cherez chas - vot i pol'za dlya glaz. Podklyuchite menya k vidyushke, budem vmeste igrat' v morgushki. Tuk-tuk. Kto k nam v dom? |to ya, CD-ROM. Odnoskorostnoj, bez knopki PLAY - ne goni menya, pozhalej. Rabotat' ne budu, eto ponyatno, - interfejs uzh ochen' nestandartnyj, no vstanu vmesto zaglushki v okoshko - pol'zy net, zato krasivee nemnozhko. Snova kto-to idet - tuk-tuk, kto tut zhivet? YA, myshka-klikushka, ya, vidyushka-morgushka, ya materinskaya plata, nichut' ne starovata, a so mnoyu processor - tolstyj, zdorovyj, pyativol'tovyj. A eshche ya, mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, ya, klaviatura - pyl'naya dura i CD-ROM - vot vmeste i zhivem. Eshche sim - i fig s nim, a eshche monitor. Monitor? A ya vinchester MAXTOR, revu kak dizel'nyj motor. Poloviny cilindrov net, ostal'nye - bad. Ho pyat' megabajt ostalos' - na takaya uzh eto i malost'. U menya hranitsya vse luchshee v mire - DOS, Horton komandor i tekstovyj redaktor F4. Tuk-tuk! YA pyatidyujmovyj diskovod firmy IZOT - ne kladi mne palec v rot. ZHuyu diskety kak domrabotnica konfety. I gordyj - ne chitayu vse podryad, u menya svoj sobstvennyj format. A ya mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, prohodi diskovod, beri shlejf - von tot, votkni ego szadi, poryadka radi. Budem s toboj vorkovat'-flirtovat', bajty drug-druzhke peresylat'. Aga, tol'ko prezhde chem vorkovat' dajte mne chem-nibud' gorlo propoloskat' - mne trebuetsya kazhdyj den' s utra polstakana spirta dlya ochistki nutra. Het, chistyashchuyu disket ne nado, ya po-russki. V smysle - zalpom i bez zakuska. Gde spirt dayut? My dva dopolnitel'nyh porta - ne ponyatno na cherta. Da? Hu sadites' v slot - von tot, vtoroj s krayu. YA ot nego i tak nichego i ne ozhidayu. A ya 2400 faks-modem, noven'kij sovsem. He gonite, Boga radi, desyat' let prolezhal na sklade. Konnekt derzhu zhelezno - ostanovlivat' menya bespolezno. A bizi lovlyu ran'she chem nachnetsya, koroche skuchat' ne pridetsya. Tuk-tuk! Zdorovo bratva, ya AWE-32, zvukovaya karta znamenitaya, ochen' krutaya, tol'ko malost' bitaya. V smysle ne igrayu. Mozhno prisest' s krayu? A ya printer Robotron 9 igolok - 2 slomalis', 2 poteryalis', 2 oblomilis', 2 zatupilis', ostalas' odna - pravda rzhavaya ona. V obshchem nikudyshnaya pechat', zato umeyu bumagu rvat'. Tak horosho umeyu rvat', chto mozhno vmesto shreddera primenyat'. Hu chto zh, druz'ya, polnaya komplektaciya s periferiej. Pora vklyuchat' po schetu tri-chetyre. Myshka-klikushka korpus zakryla, vinty zavintila i krichit v okoshko "nu chto, prisyadem na dorozhku?". Dadim torzhestvennuyu klyatvu, rebyata - ot kazhdogo po rabotosposobnosti, kazhdomu - po polkilovatta. YA - myshka-klikushka, ya - vidyushka-morgushka, ya - materinskaya plata poseredine zaplata, ya processor - goryachij kak agressor, ya - mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, ya - klaviatura - pyl'naya dura, ya CD-ROM - ne vyrubish' toporom, ya - sim - desyat' let, desyat' zim, ya monitor - cvetnoj kak pomidor, ya diskovod - zdorovyj kak komod, my dva porta - neponyatno na cherta, ya AWE-32 - myslenno proiznoshu slova, ya faks-modem - iz soroka mikroshem, ya printer Robotron - revu kak beshennyj slon, i ya - vinchester - torzhestvenno klyanemsya vse vmeste - prorabotat' eshche sto let bez sboya ne znaya ustalosti i pokoya! Vklyuchite knopku pitaniya, ona tut ryadom. Ha zadnej paneli, esli smotret' vnimatel'nym vzglyadom, mozhno zametit' takuyu shtuku, pod nej shchel', i esli v shchel' zasunut' ruku, to tam v glubine po lokot' napravo budet kak by nebol'shaya kanava, i vot tam chut' glubzhe gde-to knopka nemnogo vverh i levee. Hazhmi ee skoree. Buh-bah! SHCHelk! Zadymilsya korpusok! Iskry poleteli snopami, dym povalil klubami, blok pitaniya dymit, i bodro tak govorit: "Izvinite bratcy, tut v seti okazyvaetsya 220. A ya ved' rasschitan na 110 - net chtoby transformator povesit'! Ho vy ne bojtes', vse shito-kryto - u menya uzhe srabotala zashchita! Pravda srazu otklyuchit'sya ne smog - nadeyus' ya tam nikogo ne pozheg?" I skazka zakanchivaetsya na etom, potomu chto molchan'e bylo emu otvetom.  * BEATLES for UNIX *  Yesterday Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, There's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong, What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay. Now I believe in yesterday. Eleanor Rigby Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses six hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Unix Man(1) (Nowhere Man) He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command(1). He's as wise as he can be Uses lex(1) and yacc(1) and C UNIX Man, can you help me At(1) all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test(1) with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody. Write in C ("Let it Be") When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." And as the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. Something Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow! Power On 1. Power on 2. Neuverenno bormocha zavoditsya Kuler i pytaetsya pozhuzhzhat' lopastyami, odnako ego svodyat sudorogi i on s hryukan'em tormozit i snova zasypaet. 3. Priotkryv odin glaz, mutnym vzorom okidyvaet svoe okruzhenie Proc. Bol'no pnuv spyashchego na verhu Kulera on proiznosit sakramental'nuyu frazu: "Nu i nazhralis' zhe my vchera :(". Kuler nedovol'no vzvizgnuv zasypaet vnov'. Posheveliv registrami Proc obnaruzhivaet vnezapno poyavivshiesya u nego nedokumentirovanye fichi otchego emu stanovitsya ploho i ego rvet na Bios. 4. Bios nichego ne ponimaya sprosoni nachinaet bezbozhno materit'sya, hriplo pishchat' dinamikom, bryzgat' slyunoj i grozit'sya ustroit' vsem polnyj POSTdec, no vidya chto vsem pofig i slovesnye ugozy ne pomogayut, reshaet pristupit' k delu. 5. Veselo popiskivaya i vydavaya na ekran neperedavaemuyu gammu cvetov inititsya Vidimokart. Inititsya dolgo, pri etom na menyayushchem kazhdye dve sekundy cvet ekrane proskal'zyvayut necenzurnye soobshcheniya v tekstovom formate i somnitel'nye ansi risunochki.(Esli kart krutoj, to nachinaet kidat' pal'cy, vydavat' soobshcheniya tipa "Ty na kogo naehal, bratan ?!" i grozitsya postavit' na den'gi.) 6. Bios budivshij v eto vremya vsyakuyu melkuyu sosedskuyu shval' i nashedshij u Kesha v zagashnike ostatki spirta, snova prihodit v blagodushnoe nastroenie. Vyskazav vidimokartu vse, chto on o nem dumaet, Bios vdrug vspominaet chto on o chem to zabyl .... Tut ego privlekaet ston iz blizhajshej kanavy. Podojdya poblizhe on vidit valyayushchegosya tam glavnogo EDOka, Simma, kotoryj pochti zagnulsya. "Ah vot kto vchera ves' zakus' sozhral !!!"- zlobno uhmylyaetsya Bios-"SHCHa my tebya gada to potestiruem :E~". 7. Vzyav Simma za grudki on zlobno nachinaet : "Odin, dva, tri ...". Tut mysli u nego zatumanivayutsya i on obnaruzhivaet, chto dal'she on uzhe ne pomnit. " Odin, dva , tri ... odin dva tri ... ",- tak prodolzhaetsya eshche paru minut, poka pokrasnevshij ot nedostatka pitaniya Simm ne nachinaet istoshno vopit' : " Skipaj gad !!!",- vyryvaetsya i s voplyami ubegaet v kusty. 8. Pohmurevshij Bios napravlyaet svoi stopy k Klave. A Klave, nado skazat', spirta ne dostalos', poetomu Biosa ona vstretila krikami : "Opyat' vchera nazhralis' kak svin'i muzhiki proklyatye. YA te dam potestit' ! Menya opyat' segodnya ves' den' toptat' budut - a emu vidish' li potestit'." I zapuskaet v Biosa skalkoj, otchego tot v ispuge sharahaetsya nazad i po bystromu delaet nogi. 9. Po puti nazad Bios zlobno pinaet prikornuvshego Flopa. Tot prosypaetsya i nachinaet glupo podmigivat' edinstvennym zelenym glazom i hriplo kashlyat'. Nichego vrazumitel'nogo skazat' emu tak i ne udaetsya, tak kak v zubah zastryala vcherashnyaya disketa, kotoruyu on po p'yani pytalsya bylo formatnut' na pyat'sot metrov, no kruto oblomalsya i porval bednuyu v kuski. 10. "|h, kuda zh my katimsya to ?"-, s grust'yu podumal Bios i dernul za svisayushchij sverhu shlejf. V otvet poslyshalis' nerazborchivye vopli s kitajsko-bolgarskim akcentom. "Vo chto s Sidyukom sdelali! A takoj paren' byl ... " -,podumal Bios. "Ty chem tam vertish' to, opyat' disk ostavili ?" -, krichit Bios. "Kryuchyu verchyu kak hachyu, gde sharik ?",-razdaetsya sverhu. "Oh uzh etot novomodnyj plyuh end plej, ran'she ya by etu rozhu i v glaza ne videl",- s nostal'giej podumal Bios,-"a teper' muchajsya s nim...". 11. V eto vremya prosnulsya Blaster i nachal orat', chto on de tozhe plyuh and plejnyj devajs, a posemu dma i irq on vozmet sebe takie kakie emu nado i pust' tut kto-nibud' tol'ko poprobuet im komandovat' on vsem tut vraz vse podvesit i oblomaet ... Potom on nachal vspominat' poslednij lyubimyj midyuk i vspomniv, nachal fal'shivo orat' ego v razryvayushchiesya ot uzhasa kolonki. |tim on okonchatel'no razbudil vseh teh kto eshche tiho posapyval v slotah ... 12. Poslednim prosnulsya Modem , shchelknul paru raz relyuhoj, poiskal dialtona i reshil segodnya otdohnut' i ujti v postoyannyj zavis. Odnako podumav poluchshe i reshiv, chto v takom sluchae ego mogut nachat' pinat' nogami, o chem uzhe neodnokratno preduprezhdali, on prishel k mysli , chto viset' vse taki ne stoit, a vot Bizyu lovit' on tochno ne budet."Nahrena mne etot @#$%?, begaj eshche za nim ...". 13. Gde to nepodaleku Vint raskruchival bliny i dumal o tom, chto na nego bednogo padaet osnovnoj zagruz i stoit emu malek shalyavit' i vsya eta svora zheleza konkretno oblomaetsya , a tut eshche golovy treshchat posle vcherashnego ... CHto on vchera vsem gruzil, on uzhe zabyl. No zagruzil on vseh po ushi. "Ne podhvatil li zarazy kakoj vchera ?",- napryagalsya on,-"a to eshche bedy vystupyat, menya gvozdem k stene prib'yut, ili zalechat do smerti". Tak nachinalsya ocherednoj den' ... Chain letter "This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. The sex has now been sent to you... If you don't then you will never receive sex again for the rest of your life. You will be celibate forever. This is no joke".  Haiku error messages for Windows Did you know that Sony has announced its own computer operating system w available on its hot new portable PC called the Viao. Instead of oducing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 98, 95, 1 and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has en - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful crosoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: ---------------------------- A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. --------------------------------- The Web site you seek Cannot be located but Endless others exist. ---------------------------------- Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. ---------------------------------- ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. ------------------------------------- First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. ------------------------------------- With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. ------------------------------------ The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. ------------------------------------ Window NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. ----------------------------------- Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down. ----------------------------------- A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. ----------------------------------- Yesterday it worked Today it is not working. Windows is like that. ----------------------------------- Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ----------------------------------- You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. ------------------------------------- Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------------------- Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. ------------------------------------ Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File Not Found." -------------------------------------- Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. YuN. Allegoriya dlya modema s horom YUrij Nesterenko ¡ http://yun.complife.net/ (Pochti po SHCHerbakovu) Tri mashiny v sel'hozotdele, Mozhno v Quake poigrat' - ne zhalko, No nel'zya zhe, na samom dele, Celyj vek prosidet' v lokalke. V staryh igrah rezona netu, Zrya ty dolbish' raketoj lajner, Vot podklyuchish'sya k internetu - Stanesh' haker ili dizajner. U dizajnerov net nikakogo styda, Oni lepyat na sajt chto popalo - Sprava frejm, snizu banner, po centru glyukalo, Ne vidannoe nikogda - Marazm, i tol'ko! Odnako platyat, Ne znayu, skol'ko - Na pivo hvatit. Zato pri dele, Pryam kak v Evrope - V HTML'e I Photoshop'e. Pravda, est' tam na vremya kvota, CHto kak budto ne slishkom kruto, Tol'ko ezheli platit kto-to, Znachit, den'gi idut komu-to. Ne pomozhet kopit' monetu Zdes' ni car', ni geroj, ni glajder, Budesh' dokoj po internetu - Stanesh' haker ili provajder. U provajderov net nikakogo styda, Nikakoj Goskomsvyaz' im ne strashen, Vse krichat, chto u nih dogovor besshabashen, A kto dovodil do suda? Kto ih otklyuchit? Neveroyatno! Nichto ne glyuchit - Uzhe priyatno. Zabud' pro krossy, Okonchi kursy, U nas zaprosy, U nih resursy. Nichego, chto konnekt hrenovyj, Nichego, chto na sajte daun, Obryvaj i lomis' po novoj Hot' v Islandiyu, hot' v Kejptaun. Izuchaj skrupulezno FAQ'i, Ne puskaj virusa v butsektor - Iz tebya vyjdet klassnyj haker, Ili dizajner, ili konnektor. U konnektorov net nikakogo styda, Im voobshche vs