NGS (which make about fifty-four English.
miles,) and two and a half in breadth; as I measured it myself in
the royal map made by the king's order, which was laid on the
ground on purpose for me, and extended a hundred feet: I paced
the diameter and circumference several times barefoot, and,
computing by the scale, measured it pretty exactly.
The king's palace is no regular edifice, but a heap of buildings,
about seven miles round: the chief rooms are generally two
hundred and forty feet high, and broad and long in proportion. A
coach was allowed to Glumdalclitch and me, wherein her
governess frequently took her out to see the town, or go among
the shops; and I was always of the party, carried in my box;
although the girl, at my own desire, would often take me out, and
hold me in her hand, that I might more conveniently view the
houses and the people, as we passed along the streets. I reckoned
our coach to be about a square of Westminster-hall, but not
altogether so high: however, I cannot be very exact. One day the
governess ordered our coachman to stop at several shops, where
the beggars, watching their opportunity, crowded to the sides of
the coach, and gave me the most horrible spectacle that ever a
European eye beheld. There was a woman with a cancer in her
breast, swelled to a monstrous size, full of holes, in two or three of
which I could have easily crept, and covered my whole body.
There was a fellow with a wen in his neck, larger than five wool-packs;
and another, with a couple of wooden legs, each about
twenty feet high. But the most hateful sight of all, was the lice
crawling on their clothes. I could see distinctly the limbs of these
vermin with my naked eye, much better than those of a European
louse through a microscope, and their snouts with which they.
rooted like swine. They were the first I had ever beheld, and I
should have been curious enough to dissect one of them, if I had
had proper instruments, which I unluckily left behind me in the
ship, although, indeed, the sight was so nauseous, that it perfectly
turned my stomach.
Besides the large box in which I was usually carried, the queen
ordered a smaller one to be made for me, of about twelve feet
square, and ten high, for the convenience of travelling; because
the other was somewhat too large for Glumdalclitch's lap, and
cumbersome in the coach; it was made by the same artist, whom I
directed in the whole contrivance. This travelling-closet was an
exact square, with a window in the middle of three of the squares,
and each window was latticed with iron wire on the outside, to
prevent accidents in long journeys. On the fourth side, which had
no window, two strong staples were fixed, through which the
person that carried me, when I had a mind to be on horseback, put
a leathern belt, and buckled it about his waist. This was always
the office of some grave trusty servant, in whom I could confide,
whether I attended the king and queen in their progresses, or were
disposed to see the gardens, or pay a visit to some great lady or
minister of state in the court, when Glumdalclitch happened to be
out of order; for I soon began to be known and esteemed among
the greatest officers, I suppose more upon account of their
majesties' favour, than any merit of my own. In journeys, when I
was weary of the coach, a servant on horseback would buckle on
my box, and place it upon a cushion before him; and there I had a
full prospect of the country on three sides, from my three
windows. I had, in this closet, a field-bed and a hammock, hung.
from the ceiling, two chairs and a table, neatly screwed to the
floor, to prevent being tossed about by the agitation of the horse or
the coach. And having been long used to sea-voyages, those
motions, although sometimes very violent, did not much
discompose me.
Whenever I had a mind to see the town, it was always in my
travelling-closet; which Glumdalclitch held in her lap in a kind of
open sedan, after the fashion of the country, borne by four men,
and attended by two others in the queen's livery. The people, who
had often heard of me, were very curious to crowd about the
sedan, and the girl was complaisant enough to make the bearers
stop, and to take me in her hand, that I might be more
conveniently seen.
I was very desirous to see the chief temple, and particularly the
tower belonging to it, which is reckoned the highest in the
kingdom. Accordingly one day my nurse carried me thither, but I
may truly say I came back disappointed; for the height is not
above three thousand feet, reckoning from the ground to the
highest pinnacle top; which, allowing for the difference between
the size of those people and us in Europe, is no great matter for
admiration, nor at all equal in proportion (if I rightly remember) to
Salisbury steeple. But, not to detract from a nation, to which,
during my life, I shall acknowledge myself extremely obliged, it
must be allowed, that whatever this famous tower wants in height,
is amply made up in beauty and strength: for the walls are near a
hundred feet thick, built of hewn stone, whereof each is about
forty feet square, and adorned on all sides with statues of gods and.
emperors, cut in marble, larger than the life, placed in their several
niches. I measured a little finger which had fallen down from one
of these statues, and lay unperceived among some rubbish, and
found it exactly four feet and an inch in length. Glumdalclitch
wrapped it up in her handkerchief, and carried it home in her
pocket, to keep among other trinkets, of which the girl was very
fond, as children at her age usually are.
The king's kitchen is indeed a noble building, vaulted at top, and
about six hundred feet high. The great oven is not so wide, by ten
paces, as the cupola at St. Paul's: for I measured the latter on
purpose, after my return. But if I should describe the kitchen
grate, the prodigious pots and kettles, the joints of meat turning on
the spits, with many other particulars, perhaps I should be hardly
believed; at least a severe critic would be apt to think I enlarged a
little, as travellers are often suspected to do. To avoid which
censure I fear I have run too much into the other extreme; and that
if this treatise should happen to be translated into the language of
Brobdingnag (which is the general name of that kingdom,) and
transmitted thither, the king and his people would have reason to
complain that I had done them an injury, by a false and diminutive
representation.
His majesty seldom keeps above six hundred horses in his stables:
they are generally from fifty-four to sixty feet high. But, when he
goes abroad on solemn days, he is attended, for state, by a military
guard of five hundred horse, which, indeed, I thought was the
most splendid sight that could be ever beheld, till I saw part of his
army in battalia, whereof I shall find another occasion to speak...

        CHAPTER V.

[Several adventurers that happened to the author. The execution of
a criminal. The author shows his skill in navigation.]
I should have lived happy enough in that country, if my littleness
had not exposed me to several ridiculous and troublesome
accidents; some of which I shall venture to relate. Glumdalclitch
often carried me into the gardens of the court in my smaller box,
and would sometimes take me out of it, and hold me in her hand,
or set me down to walk. I remember, before the dwarf left the
queen, he followed us one day into those gardens, and my nurse
having set me down, he and I being close together, near some
dwarf apple trees, I must needs show my wit, by a silly allusion
between him and the trees, which happens to hold in their
language as it does in ours. Whereupon, the malicious rogue,
watching his opportunity, when I was walking under one of them,
shook it directly over my head, by which a dozen apples, each of
them near as large as a Bristol barrel, came tumbling about my
ears; one of them hit me on the back as I chanced to stoop, and
knocked me down flat on my face; but I received no other hurt,
and the dwarf was pardoned at my desire, because I had given the
provocation..
Another day, Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass-plot to
divert myself, while she walked at some distance with her
governess. In the meantime, there suddenly fell such a violent
shower of hail, that I was immediately by the force of it, struck to
the ground: and when I was down, the hailstones gave me such
cruel bangs all over the body, as if I had been pelted with tennis-balls;
however, I made a shift to creep on all fours, and shelter
myself, by lying flat on my face, on the lee-side of a border of
lemon-thyme, but so bruised from head to foot, that I could not go
abroad in ten days. Neither is this at all to be wondered at, because
nature, in that country, observing the same proportion through all
her operations, a hailstone is near eighteen hundred times as large
as one in Europe; which I can assert upon experience, having been
so curious as to weigh and measure them.
But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the same
garden, when my little nurse, believing she had put me in a secure
place (which I often entreated her to do, that I might enjoy my
own thoughts,) and having left my box at home, to avoid the
trouble of carrying it, went to another part of the garden with her
governess and some ladies of her acquaintance. While she was
absent, and out of hearing, a small white spaniel that belonged to
one of the chief gardeners, having got by accident into the garden,
happened to range near the place where I lay: the dog, following
the scent, came directly up, and taking me in his mouth, ran
straight to his master wagging his tail, and set me gently on the
ground. By good fortune he had been so well taught, that I was
carried between his teeth without the least hurt, or even tearing
my clothes. But the poor gardener, who knew me well, and had a.
great kindness for me, was in a terrible fright: he gently took me
up in both his hands, and asked me how I did? but I was so
amazed and out of breath, that I could not speak a word. In a few
minutes I came to myself, and he carried me safe to my little
nurse, who, by this time, had returned to the place where she left
me, and was in cruel agonies when I did not appear, nor answer
when she called. She severely reprimanded the gardener on
account of his dog. But the thing was hushed up, and never known
at court, for the girl was afraid of the queen's anger; and truly, as
to myself, I thought it would not be for my reputation, that such a
story should go about.
This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust
me abroad for the future out of her sight. I had been long afraid of
this resolution, and therefore concealed from her some little
unlucky adventures, that happened in those times when I was left
by myself. Once a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at
me, and if I had not resolutely drawn my hanger, and run under a
thick espalier, he would have certainly carried me away in his
talons. Another time, walking to the top of a fresh mole-hill, I fell
to my neck in the hole, through which that animal had cast up the
earth, and coined some lie, not worth remembering, to excuse
myself for spoiling my clothes. I likewise broke my right shin
against the shell of a snail, which I happened to stumble over, as I
was walking alone and thinking on poor England.
I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified to observe,
in those solitary walks, that the smaller birds did not appear to be
at all afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard's distance,.
looking for worms and other food, with as much indifference and
security as if no creature at all were near them. I remember, a
thrush had the confidence to snatch out of my hand, with his bill, a
of cake that Glumdalclitch had just given me for my breakfast.
When I attempted to catch any of these birds, they would boldly
turn against me, endeavouring to peck my fingers, which I durst
not venture within their reach; and then they would hop back
unconcerned, to hunt for worms or snails, as they did before. But
one day, I took a thick cudgel, and threw it with all my strength so
luckily, at a linnet, that I knocked him down, and seizing him by
the neck with both my hands, ran with him in triumph to my
nurse. However, the bird, who had only been stunned, recovering
himself gave me so many boxes with his wings, on both sides of
my head and body, though I held him at arm's-length, and was out
of the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking to let
him go. But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who
wrung off the bird's neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by
the queen's command. This linnet, as near as I can remember,
seemed to be somewhat larger than an English swan.
The maids of honour often invited Glumdalclitch to their
apartments, and desired she would bring me along with her, on
purpose to have the pleasure of seeing and touching me. They
would often strip me naked from top to toe, and lay me at full
length in their bosoms; wherewith I was much disgusted because,
to say the truth, a very offensive smell came from their skins;
which I do not mention, or intend, to the disadvantage of those
excellent ladies, for whom I have all manner of respect; but I
conceive that my sense was more acute in proportion to my.
littleness, and that those illustrious persons were no more
disagreeable to their lovers, or to each other, than people of the
same quality are with us in England. And, after all, I found their
natural smell was much more supportable, than when they used
perfumes, under which I immediately swooned away. I cannot
forget, that an intimate friend of mine in Lilliput, took the freedom
in a warm day, when I had used a good deal of exercise, to
complain of a strong smell about me, although I am as little faulty
that way, as most of my sex: but I suppose his faculty of smelling
was as nice with regard to me, as mine was to that of this people.
Upon this point, I cannot forbear doing justice to the queen my
mistress, and Glumdalclitch my nurse, whose persons were as
sweet as those of any lady in England.
That which gave me most uneasiness among these maids of
honour (when my nurse carried me to visit then) was, to see them
use me without any manner of ceremony, like a creature who had
no sort of consequence: for they would strip themselves to the
skin, and put on their smocks in my presence, while I was placed
on their toilet, directly before their naked bodies, which I am sure
to me was very far from being a tempting sight, or from giving me
any other emotions than those of horror and disgust: their skins
appeared so coarse and uneven, so variously coloured, when I saw
them near, with a mole here and there as broad as a trencher, and
hairs hanging from it thicker than packthreads, to say nothing
farther concerning the rest of their persons. Neither did they at all
scruple, while I was by, to discharge what they had drank, to the
quantity of at least two hogsheads, in a vessel that held above
three tuns. The handsomest among these maids of honour, a.
pleasant, frolicsome girl of sixteen, would sometimes set me
astride upon one of her nipples, with many other tricks, wherein
the reader will excuse me for not being over particular. But I was
so much displeased, that I entreated Glumdalclitch to contrive
some excuse for not seeing that young lady any more.
One day, a young gentleman, who was nephew to my nurse's
governess, came and pressed them both to see an execution. It was
of a man, who had murdered one of that gentleman's intimate
acquaintance. Glumdalclitch was prevailed on to be of the
company, very much against her inclination, for she was naturally
tender-hearted: and, as for myself, although I abhorred such kind
of spectacles, yet my curiosity tempted me to see something that I
thought must be extraordinary. The malefactor was fixed in a
chair upon a scaffold erected for that purpose, and his head cut off
at one blow, with a sword of about forty feet long. The veins and
arteries spouted up such a prodigious quantity of blood, and so
high in the air, that the great JET D'EAU at Versailles was not
equal to it for the time it lasted: and the head, when it fell on the
scaffold floor, gave such a bounce as made me start, although I
was at least half an English mile distant.
The queen, who often used to hear me talk of my sea-voyages,
and took all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked
me whether I understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and
whether a little exercise of rowing might not be convenient for my
health? I answered, that I understood both very well: for although
my proper employment had been to be surgeon or doctor to the
ship, yet often, upon a pinch, I was forced to work like a common.
mariner. But I could not see how this could be done in their
country, where the smallest wherry was equal to a first-rate man
of war among us; and such a boat as I could manage would never
live in any of their rivers. Her majesty said, if I would contrive a
boat, her own joiner should make it, and she would provide a
place for me to sail in. The fellow was an ingenious workman, and
by my instructions, in ten days, finished a pleasure-boat with all
its tackling, able conveniently to hold eight Europeans. When it
was finished, the queen was so delighted, that she ran with it in
her lap to the king, who ordered it to be put into a cistern full of
water, with me in it, by way of trial, where I could not manage my
two sculls, or little oars, for want of room. But the queen had
before contrived another project. She ordered the joiner to make a
wooden trough of three hundred feet long, fifty broad, and eight
deep; which, being well pitched, to prevent leaking, was placed on
the floor, along the wall, in an outer room of the palace. It had a
cock near the bottom to let out the water, when it began to grow
stale; and two servants could easily fill it in half an hour. Here I
often used to row for my own diversion, as well as that of the
queen and her ladies, who thought themselves well entertained
with my skill and agility. Sometimes I would put up my sail, and
then my business was only to steer, while the ladies gave me a
gale with their fans; and, when they were weary, some of their
pages would blow my sail forward with their breath, while I
showed my art by steering starboard or larboard as I pleased.
When I had done, Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat into
her closet, and hung it on a nail to dry..
In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have cost
me my life; for, one of the pages having put my boat into the
trough, the governess who attended Glumdalclitch very
officiously lifted me up, to place me in the boat: but I happened to
slip through her fingers, and should infallibly have fallen down
forty feet upon the floor, if, by the luckiest chance in the world, I
had not been stopped by a corking-pin that stuck in the good
gentlewoman's stomacher; the head of the pin passing between
my shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and thus I was held by
the middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch ran to my relief.
Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my
trough every third day with fresh water, was so careless as to let a
huge frog (not perceiving it) slip out of his pail. The frog lay
concealed till I was put into my boat, but then, seeing a resting-place,
climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, that I
was forced to balance it with all my weight on the other, to
prevent overturning. When the frog was got in, it hopped at once
half the length of the boat, and then over my head, backward and
forward, daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime. The
largeness of its features made it appear the most deformed animal
that can be conceived. However, I desired Glumdalclitch to let me
deal with it alone. I banged it a good while with one of my sculls,
and at last forced it to leap out of the boat.
But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that kingdom, was
from a monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen.
Glumdalclitch had locked me up in her closet, while she went
somewhere upon business, or a visit. The weather being very.
warm, the closet-window was left open, as well as the windows
and the door of my bigger box, in which I usually lived, because
of its largeness and conveniency. As I sat quietly meditating at my
table, I heard something bounce in at the closet-window, and skip
about from one side to the other: whereat, although I was much
alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not stirring from my seat;
and then I saw this frolicsome animal frisking and leaping up and
down, till at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view
with great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and every
window. I retreated to the farther corner of my room; or box; but
the monkey looking in at every side, put me in such a fright, that I
wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I
might easily have done. After some time spent in peeping,
grinning, and chattering, he at last espied me; and reaching one of
his paws in at the door, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse,
although I often shifted place to avoid him, he at length seized the
lappet of my coat (which being made of that country silk, was
very thick and strong), and dragged me out. He took me up in his
right fore-foot and held me as a nurse does a child she is going to
suckle, just as I have seen the same sort of creature do with a
kitten in Europe; and when I offered to struggle he squeezed me
so hard, that I thought it more prudent to submit. I have good
reason to believe, that he took me for a young one of his own
species, by his often stroking my face very gently with his other
paw. In these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the closet
door, as if somebody were opening it: whereupon he suddenly
leaped up to the window at which he had come in, and thence
upon the leads and gutters, walking upon three legs, and holding
me in the fourth, till he clambered up to a roof that was next to.
ours. I heard Glumdalclitch give a shriek at the moment he was
carrying me out. The poor girl was almost distracted: that quarter
of the palace was all in an uproar; the servants ran for ladders; the
monkey was seen by hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge
of a building, holding me like a baby in one of his forepaws, and
feeding me with the other, by cramming into my mouth some
victuals he had squeezed out of the bag on one side of his chaps,
and patting me when I would not eat; whereat many of the rabble
below could not forbear laughing; neither do I think they justly
ought to be blamed, for, without question, the sight was ridiculous
enough to every body but myself. Some of the people threw up
stones, hoping to drive the monkey down; but this was strictly
forbidden, or else, very probably, my brains had been dashed out.
The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men;
which the monkey observing, and finding himself almost
encompassed, not being able to make speed enough with his three
legs, let me drop on a ridge tile, and made his escape. Here I sat
for some time, five hundred yards from the ground, expecting
every moment to be blown down by the wind, or to fall by my
own giddiness, and come tumbling over and over from the ridge
to the eaves; but an honest lad, one of my nurse's footmen,
climbed up, and putting me into his breeches pocket, brought me
down safe.
I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the monkey had
crammed down my throat: but my dear little nurse picked it out of
my mouth with a small needle, and then I fell a-vomiting, which
gave me great relief. Yet I was so weak and bruised in the sides.
with the squeezes given me by this odious animal, that I was
forced to keep my bed a fortnight. The king, queen, and all the
court, sent every day to inquire after my health; and her majesty
made me several visits during my sickness. The monkey was
killed, and an order made, that no such animal should be kept
about the palace.
When I attended the king after my recovery, to return him thanks
for his favours, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this
adventure. He asked me, "what my thoughts and speculations
were, while I lay in the monkey's paw; how I liked the victuals he
gave me; his manner of feeding; and whether the fresh air on the
roof had sharpened my stomach." He desired to know, "what I
would have done upon such an occasion in my own country." I
told his majesty, "that in Europe we had no monkeys, except such
as were brought for curiosity from other places, and so small, that
I could deal with a dozen of them together, if they presumed to
attack me. And as for that monstrous animal with whom I was so
lately engaged (it was indeed as large as an elephant), if my fears
had suffered me to think so far as to make use of my hanger,"
(looking fiercely, and clapping my hand on the hilt, as I spoke)
"when he poked his paw into my chamber, perhaps I should have
given him such a wound, as would have made him glad to
withdraw it with more haste than he put it in." This I delivered in a
firm tone, like a person who was jealous lest his courage should
be called in question. However, my speech produced nothing else
beside a laud laughter, which all the respect due to his majesty
from those about him could not make them contain. This made
me reflect, how vain an attempt it is for a man to endeavour to do.
himself honour among those who are out of all degree of equality
or comparison with him. And yet I have seen the moral of my own
behaviour very frequent in England since my return; where a little
contemptible varlet, without the least title to birth, person, wit, or
common sense, shall presume to look with importance, and put
himself upon a foot with the greatest persons of the kingdom.
I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story:
and Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch
enough to inform the queen, whenever I committed any folly that
she thought would be diverting to her majesty. The girl, who had
been out of order, was carried by her governess to take the air
about an hour's distance, or thirty miles from town. They alighted
out of the coach near a small foot-path in a field, and
Glumdalclitch setting down my travelling box, I went out of it to
walk. There was a cow-dung in the path, and I must need try my
activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a run, but
unfortunately jumped short, and found myself just in the middle
up to my knees. I waded through with some difficulty, and one of
the footmen wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief,
for I was filthily bemired; and my nurse confined me to my box,
till we returned home; where the queen was soon informed of
what had passed, and the footmen spread it about the court: so that
all the mirth for some days was at my expense..

        CHAPTER VI.

[Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen.
He shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of
England, which the author relates to him. The king's observations
thereon.]
I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had
often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first
very terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as
an ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the
country, was only shaved twice a-week. I once prevailed on the
barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked
forty or fifty of the strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of
fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making several
holes in it at equal distances with as small a needle as I could get
from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so artificially, scraping
and sloping them with my knife toward the points, that I made a
very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable supply, my own
being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless:
neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as
would undertake to make me another..
And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many
of my leisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me
the combings of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good
quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who
had received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him
to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box,
and to bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I
designed the backs and seats; through these holes I wove the
strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of cane
chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a present of
them to her majesty; who kept them in her cabinet, and used to
show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of
every one that beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon
one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting
I would rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on
those precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty's head. Of
these hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made
a neat little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty's name
deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the
queen's consent. To say the truth, it was more for show than use,
being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and
therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls are
fond of.
The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court,
to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to
hear them: but the noise was so great that I could hardly
distinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the drums and
trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding together just at.
your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box
removed from the place where the performers sat, as far as I
could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the
window curtains; after which I found their music not disagreeable.
I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended
twice a-week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat
resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same
manner. A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the
king and queen with an English tune upon this instrument. But
this appeared extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet
long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms
extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to press them
down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which would be
too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived was
this: I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common
cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered
the thicker ends with pieces of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on
them I might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the
sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet
below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon
it, that way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys
with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great
satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violent
exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen
keys, nor consequently play the bass and treble together, as other
artists do; which was a great disadvantage to my performance..
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in
my box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then
command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit
down within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet,
which brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I
had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to
tell his majesty, "that the contempt he discovered towards Europe,
and the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those
excellent qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did
not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we
observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually the
least provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had
the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the
larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I
hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service." The
king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better
opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired "I would give
him as exact an account of the government of England as I
possibly could; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their
own customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, by my
former discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that
might deserve imitation."
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished
for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled
me to celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style
equal to its merits and felicity..
I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our
dominions consisted of two islands, which composed three
mighty kingdoms, under one sovereign, beside our plantations in
America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and the
temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the
constitution of an English parliament; partly made up of an
illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the noblest
blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I described
that extraordinary care always taken of their education in arts and
arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king and
kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the
highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to
be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and
country, by their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their
most renowned ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of
their virtue, from which their posterity were never once known to
degenerate. To these were joined several holy persons, as part of
that assembly, under the title of bishops, whose peculiar business
is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct the people
therein. These were searched and sought out through the whole
nation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors, among such of
the priesthood as were most deservedly distinguished by the
sanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudition; who were
indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly
called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen,
freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their.
great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom of
the whole nation. And that these two bodies made up the most
august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction with the
prince, the whole legislature is committed.
I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges,
those venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for
determining the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as
for the punishment of vice and protection of innocence. I
mentioned the prudent management of our treasury; the valour
and achievements of our forces, by sea and land. I computed the
number of our people, by reckoning how many millions there
might be of each religious sect, or political party among us. I did
not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other particular
which I thought might redound to the honour of my country. And I
finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in
England for about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of
several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention,
frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums
of what questions he intended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a
sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts,
queries, and objections, upon every article. He asked, "What
methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young
nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly spent the
first and teachable parts of their lives? What course was taken to.
supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct?
What qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created
new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a
court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the
public interest, ever happened to be the motive in those
advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the
laws of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable
them to decide the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last
resort? Whether they were always so free from avarice,
partialities, or want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view,
could have no place among them? Whether those holy lords I
spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon account of their
knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had
never been compliers with the times, while they were common
priests; or slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose
opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were
admitted into that assembly?"
He then desired to know, "What arts were practised in electing
those whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong
purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before
their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the
neighbourhood? How it came to pass, that people were so
violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to
be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families,
without any salary or pension? because this appeared such an
exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed
to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere.".
And he desired to know, "Whether such zealous gentlemen could
have any views of refunding themselves for the charges and
trouble they were at by sacrificing the public good to the designs
of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction with a corrupted
ministry?" He multiplied his questions, and sifted me thoroughly
upon every part of this head, proposing numberless inquiries and
objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the better
able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in
chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, "What
time was usually spent in determining between right and wrong,
and what degree of expense? Whether advocates and orators had
liberty to plead in causes manifestly known to be unjust,
vexatious, or oppressive? Whether party, in religion or politics,
were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice? Whether
those pleading orators were persons educated in the general
knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other
local customs? Whether they or their judges had any part in
penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of
interpreting, and glossing upon at their pleasure? Whether they
had ever, at different times, pleaded for and against the same
cause, and cited precedents to prove contrary opinions? Whether
they were a rich or a poor corporation? Whether they received any
pecuniary reward for pleading, or delivering their opinions? And
particularly, whether they were ever admitted as members in the
lower senate?".
He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, "he
thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes
at about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to mention
the issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than
double; for the notes he had taken were very particular in this
point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our
conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be deceived in
his calculations. But, if what I told him were true, he was still at a
loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like a private
person." He asked me, "who were our creditors; and where we
found money to pay them?" He wondered to hear me talk of such
chargeable and expensive wars; "that certainly we must be a
quarrelsome people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that
our generals must needs be richer than our kings."