had given; that
neither himself nor family were ashamed of any parts of their
bodies; but, however, I might do as I pleased." Whereupon I first
unbuttoned my coat, and pulled it off. I did the same with my
waistcoat. I drew off my shoes, stockings, and breeches. I let my
shirt down to my waist, and drew up the bottom; fastening it like a
girdle about my middle, to hide my nakedness.
My master observed the whole performance with great signs of
curiosity and admiration. He took up all my clothes in his pastern,
one piece after another, and examined them diligently; he then
stroked my body very gently, and looked round me several times;
after which, he said, it was plain I must be a perfect YAHOO; but
that I differed very much from the rest of my species in the
softness, whiteness, and smoothness of my skin; my want of hair
in several parts of my body; the shape and shortness of my claws
behind and before; and my affectation of walking continually on
my two hinder feet. He desired to see no more; and gave me leave
to put on my clothes again, for I was shuddering with cold..
I expressed my uneasiness at his giving me so often the
appellation of YAHOO, an odious animal, for which I had so utter
a hatred and contempt: I begged he would forbear applying that
word to me, and make the same order in his family and among his
friends whom he suffered to see me. I requested likewise, "that the
secret of my having a false covering to my body, might be known
to none but himself, at least as long as my present clothing should
last; for as to what the sorrel nag, his valet, had observed, his
honour might command him to conceal it."
All this my master very graciously consented to; and thus the
secret was kept till my clothes began to wear out, which I was
forced to supply by several contrivances that shall hereafter be
mentioned. In the meantime, he desired "I would go on with my
utmost diligence to learn their language, because he was more
astonished at my capacity for speech and reason, than at the figure
of my body, whether it were covered or not;" adding, "that he
waited with some impatience to hear the wonders which I
promised to tell him."
Thenceforward he doubled the pains he had been at to instruct me:
he brought me into all company, and made them treat me with
civility; "because," as he told them, privately, "this would put me
into good humour, and make me more diverting."
Every day, when I waited on him, beside the trouble he was at in
teaching, he would ask me several questions concerning myself,
which I answered as well as I could, and by these means he had
already received some general ideas, though very imperfect. It.
would be tedious to relate the several steps by which I advanced
to a more regular conversation; but the first account I gave of
myself in any order and length was to this purpose:
"That I came from a very far country, as I already had attempted to
tell him, with about fifty more of my own species; that we
travelled upon the seas in a great hollow vessel made of wood,
and larger than his honour's house. I described the ship to him in
the best terms I could, and explained, by the help of my
handkerchief displayed, how it was driven forward by the wind.
That upon a quarrel among us, I was set on shore on this coast,
where I walked forward, without knowing whither, till he
delivered me from the persecution of those execrable YAHOOS."
He asked me, "who made the ship, and how it was possible that
the HOUYHNHNMS of my country would leave it to the
management of brutes?" My answer was, "that I durst proceed no
further in my relation, unless he would give me his word and
honour that he would not be offended, and then I would tell him
the wonders I had so often promised." He agreed; and I went on
by assuring him, that the ship was made by creatures like myself;
who, in all the countries I had travelled, as well as in my own,
were the only governing rational animals; and that upon my
arrival hither, I was as much astonished to see the
HOUYHNHNMS act like rational beings, as he, or his friends,
could be, in finding some marks of reason in a creature he was
pleased to call a YAHOO; to which I owned my resemblance in
every part, but could not account for their degenerate and brutal
nature. I said farther, "that if good fortune ever restored me to my
native country, to relate my travels hither, as I resolved to do,.
everybody would believe, that I said the thing that was not, that I
invented the story out of my own head; and (with all possible
respect to himself, his family, and friends, and under his promise
of not being offended) our countrymen would hardly think it
probable that a HOUYHNHNM should be the presiding creature
of a nation, and a YAHOO the brute.".

        CHAPTER IV.

[The Houyhnhnm's notion of truth and falsehood. The author's
discourse disapproved by his master. The author gives a more
particular account of himself, and the accidents of his voyage.]
My master heard me with great appearances of uneasiness in his
countenance; because doubting, or not believing, are so little
known in this country, that the inhabitants cannot tell how to
behave themselves under such circumstances. And I remember, in
frequent discourses with my master concerning the nature of
manhood in other parts of the world, having occasion to talk of
lying and false representation, it was with much difficulty that he
comprehended what I meant, although he had otherwise a most
acute judgment. For he argued thus: "that the use of speech was to
make us understand one another, and to receive information of
facts; now, if any one said the thing which was not, these ends
were defeated, because I cannot properly be said to understand
him; and I am so far from receiving information, that he leaves me
worse than in ignorance; for I am led to believe a thing black,
when it is white, and short, when it is long." And these were all
the notions he had concerning that faculty of lying, so perfectly
well understood, and so universally practised, among human
creatures..
To return from this digression. When I asserted that the YAHOOS
were the only governing animals in my country, which my master
said was altogether past his conception, he desired to know,
"whether we had HOUYHNHNMS among us, and what was their
employment?" I told him, "we had great numbers; that in summer
they grazed in the fields, and in winter were kept in houses with
hay and oats, where YAHOO servants were employed to rub their
skins smooth, comb their manes, pick their feet, serve them with
food, and make their beds." "I understand you well," said my
master: "it is now very plain, from all you have spoken, that
whatever share of reason the YAHOOS pretend to, the
HOUYHNHNMS are your masters; I heartily wish our YAHOOS
would be so tractable." I begged "his honour would please to
excuse me from proceeding any further, because I was very
certain that the account he expected from me would be highly
displeasing." But he insisted in commanding me to let him know
the best and the worst.
I told him "he should be obeyed." I owned "that the
HOUYHNHNMS among us, whom we called horses, were the
most generous and comely animals we had; that they excelled in
strength and swiftness; and when they belonged to persons of
quality, were employed in travelling, racing, or drawing chariots;
they were treated with much kindness and care, till they fell into
diseases, or became foundered in the feet; but then they were sold,
and used to all kind of drudgery till they died; after which their
skins were stripped, and sold for what they were worth, and their
bodies left to be devoured by dogs and birds of prey. But the
common race of horses had not so good fortune, being kept by.
farmers and carriers, and other mean people, who put them to
greater labour, and fed them worse." I described, as well as I
could, our way of riding; the shape and use of a bridle, a saddle, a
spur, and a whip; of harness and wheels. I added, "that we
fastened plates of a certain hard substance, called iron, at the
bottom of their feet, to preserve their hoofs from being broken by
the stony ways, on which we often travelled."
My master, after some expressions of great indignation, wondered
"how we dared to venture upon a HOUYHNHNM'S back; for he
was sure, that the weakest servant in his house would be able to
shake off the strongest YAHOO; or by lying down and rolling on
his back, squeeze the brute to death." I answered "that our horses
were trained up, from three or four years old, to the several uses
we intended them for; that if any of them proved intolerably
vicious, they were employed for carriages; that they were severely
beaten, while they were young, for any mischievous tricks; that
the males, designed for the common use of riding or draught, were
generally castrated about two years after their birth, to take down
their spirits, and make them more tame and gentle; that they were
indeed sensible of rewards and punishments; but his honour
would please to consider, that they had not the least tincture of
reason, any more than the YAHOOS in this country."
It put me to the pains of many circumlocutions, to give my master
a right idea of what I spoke; for their language does not abound in
variety of words, because their wants and passions are fewer than
among us. But it is impossible to express his noble resentment at
our savage treatment of the HOUYHNHNM race; particularly.
after I had explained the manner and use of castrating horses
among us, to hinder them from propagating their kind, and to
render them more servile. He said, "if it were possible there could
be any country where YAHOOS alone were endued with reason,
they certainly must be the governing animal; because reason in
time will always prevail against brutal strength. But, considering
the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, he thought no
creature of equal bulk was so ill-contrived for employing that
reason in the common offices of life;" whereupon he desired to
know whether those among whom I lived resembled me, or the
YAHOOS of his country?" I assured him, "that I was as well
shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and the females, were
much more soft and tender, and the skins of the latter generally as
white as milk." He said, "I differed indeed from other YAHOOS,
being much more cleanly, and not altogether so deformed; but, in
point of real advantage, he thought I differed for the worse: that
my nails were of no use either to my fore or hinder feet; as to my
fore feet, he could not properly call them by that name, for he
never observed me to walk upon them; that they were too soft to
bear the ground; that I generally went with them uncovered;
neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the same
shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind: that I could not walk
with any security, for if either of my hinder feet slipped, I must
inevitably fail." He then began to find fault with other parts of my
body: "the flatness of my face, the prominence of my nose, mine
eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not look on either side
without turning my head: that I was not able to feed myself,
without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth: and therefore
nature had placed those joints to answer that necessity. He knew.
not what could be the use of those several clefts and divisions in
my feet behind; that these were too soft to bear the hardness and
sharpness of stones, without a covering made from the skin of
some other brute; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat
and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every day, with
tediousness and trouble: and lastly, that he observed every animal
in this country naturally to abhor the YAHOOS, whom the weaker
avoided, and the stronger drove from them. So that, supposing us
to have the gift of reason, he could not see how it were possible to
cure that natural antipathy, which every creature discovered
against us; nor consequently how we could tame and render them
serviceable. However, he would," as he said, "debate the matter
no farther, because he was more desirous to know my own story,
the country where I was born, and the several actions and events
of my life, before I came hither."
I assured him, "how extremely desirous I was that he should be
satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be
possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his
honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his
country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would
do my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly
desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;" which he
was pleased to promise me.
I said, "my birth was of honest parents, in an island called
England; which was remote from his country, as many days'
journey as the strongest of his honour's servants could travel in the
annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it.
is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or
violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom
we called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might
maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last
voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty
YAHOOS under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced
to supply them by others picked out from several nations; that our
ship was twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great
storm, and the second by striking against a rock." Here my master
interposed, by asking me, "how I could persuade strangers, out of
different countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had
sustained, and the hazards I had run?" I said, "they were fellows of
desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on
account of their poverty or their crimes. Some were undone by
lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and
gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning,
robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing
rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to the
enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst
return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of
starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of
seeking a livelihood in other places."
During this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me
several times. I had made use of many circumlocutions in
describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most
of our crew had been forced to fly their country. This labour took
up several days' conversation, before he was able to comprehend
me. He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or.
necessity of practising those vices. To clear up which, I
endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power and riches;
of the terrible effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy. All
this I was forced to define and describe by putting cases and
making suppositions. After which, like one whose imagination
was struck with something never seen or heard of before, he
would lift up his eyes with amazement and indignation. Power,
government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other things,
had no terms wherein that language could express them, which
made the difficulty almost insuperable, to give my master any
conception of what I meant. But being of an excellent
understanding, much improved by contemplation and converse,
he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what human nature,
in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and desired I
would give him some particular account of that land which we
call Europe, but especially of my own country..

        CHAPTER V.

[The author at his master's command, informs him of the state of
England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe. The
author begins to explain the English constitution.]
The reader may please to observe, that the following extract of
many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of
the most material points which were discoursed at several times
for above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction,
as I farther improved in the HOUYHNHNM tongue. I laid before
him, as well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of
trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I
gave to all the questions he made, as they arose upon several
subjects, were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted. But I
shall here only set down the substance of what passed between us
concerning my own country, reducing it in order as well as I can,
without any regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly
adhere to truth. My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to
do justice to my master's arguments and expressions, which must
needs suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation
into our barbarous English..
In obedience, therefore, to his honour's commands, I related to
him the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with
France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his
successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of
Christendom were engaged, and which still continued: I
computed, at his request, "that about a million of YAHOOS might
have been killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a
hundred or more cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt
or sunk."
He asked me, "what were the usual causes or motives that made
one country go to war with another?" I answered "they were
innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.
Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have
land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of
ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or
divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.
Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for
instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the
juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a
vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into
the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white,
red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow or
wide, dirty or clean; with many more.
Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a
continuance, as those occasioned by difference in opinion,
especially if it be in things indifferent..
"Sometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of
them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of
them pretend to any right. Sometimes one prince quarrels with
another for fear the other should quarrel with him. Sometimes a
war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and
sometimes, because he is too weak. Sometimes our neighbours
want the things which we have, or have the things which we want,
and we both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs. It is a very
justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people
have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or
embroiled by factions among themselves. It is justifiable to enter
into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies
convenient for us, or a territory of land, that would render our
dominions round and complete. If a prince sends forces into a
nation, where the people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully
put half of them to death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to
civilize and reduce them from their barbarous way of living. It is
a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince
desires the assistance of another, to secure him against an
invasion, that the assistant, when he has driven out the invader,
should seize on the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or
banish, the prince he came to relieve. Alliance by blood, or
marriage, is a frequent cause of war between princes; and the
nearer the kindred is, the greater their disposition to quarrel; poor
nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud; and pride and
hunger will ever be at variance. For these reasons, the trade of a
soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier
is a YAHOO hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own
species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can..
"There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able
to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer
nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-fourths
to themselves, and it is the best part of their maintenance:
such are those in many northern parts of Europe."
"What you have told me," said my master, "upon the subject of
war, does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that
reason you pretend to: however, it is happy that the shame is
greater than the danger; and that nature has left you utterly
incapable of doing much mischief. For, your mouths lying flat
with your faces, you can hardly bite each other to any purpose,
unless by consent. Then as to the claws upon your feet before and
behind, they are so short and tender, that one of our YAHOOS
would drive a dozen of yours before him. And therefore, in
recounting the numbers of those who have been killed in battle, I
cannot but think you have said the thing which is not."
I could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his
ignorance. And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a
description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols,
bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks,
undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships sunk
with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side, dying
groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion, trampling
to death under horses' feet, flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed
with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and birds of prey;
plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying. And to.
set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I assured him,
"that I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at once in a
siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies drop
down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the
spectators."
I was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded
me silence. He said, "whoever understood the nature of
YAHOOS, might easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to
be capable of every action I had named, if their strength and
cunning equalled their malice. But as my discourse had increased
his abhorrence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a
disturbance in his mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.
He thought his ears, being used to such abominable words, might,
by degrees, admit them with less detestation: that although he
hated the YAHOOS of this country, yet he no more blamed them
for their odious qualities, than he did a GNNAYH (a bird of prey)
for its cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof. But when a
creature pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities,
he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than
brutality itself. He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of
reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase
our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns
the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more
distorted.".
He added, "that he had heard too much upon the subject of war,
both in this and some former discourses. There was another point,
which a little perplexed him at present. I had informed him, that
some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by
law; that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he
was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was
intended for every man's preservation, should be any man's ruin.
Therefore he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law,
and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my
own country; because he thought nature and reason were
sufficient guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in
showing us what he ought to do, and what to avoid."
I assured his honour, "that the law was a science in which I had
not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in
vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I
would give him all the satisfaction I was able."
I said, "there was a society of men among us, bred up from their
youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose,
that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.
To this society all the rest of the people are slaves. For example,
if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove
that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another to
defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man
should be allowed to speak for himself. Now, in this case, I, who
am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my
lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending
falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an.
advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always
attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will. The second
disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution,
or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his
brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law. And
therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first is,
to gain over my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will
then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his
side. The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear
as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my
adversary: and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak
the favour of the bench. Now your honour is to know, that these
judges are persons appointed to decide all controversies of
property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from
the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and
having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie
under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and
oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a large bribe
from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by
doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.
"It is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done
before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special
care to record all the decisions formerly made against common
justice, and the general reason of mankind. These, under the name
of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most
iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing
accordingly..
"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the
case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or
title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were
red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her
in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad;
what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they
consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in
ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.
"It is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant
and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and
wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to
multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence
of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take
thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors
for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred
miles off.
"In the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the
method is much more short and commendable: the judge first
sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he
can easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due
forms of law."
Here my master interposing, said, "it was a pity, that creatures
endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers,
by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not.
rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and
knowledge." In answer to which I assured his honour, "that in all
points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant
and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common
conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and
equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in
every other subject of discourse as in that of their own
profession.".

        CHAPTER VI.

[A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The
character of a first minister of state in European courts.]
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives
could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.
Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of
money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals;
"that when a YAHOO had got a great store of this precious
substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the
finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most
costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful
females. Therefore since money alone was able to perform all
these feats, our YAHOOS thought they could never have enough
of it to spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from
their natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man
enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a
thousand to one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our
people were forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for
small wages, to make a few live plentifully.".
I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to
the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went
upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the
productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over
the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these
costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?"
Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head,
with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be
done without sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as
well for liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other
conveniences. I assured him "that this whole globe of earth must
be at least three times gone round before one of our better female
YAHOOS could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in." He said
"that must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish
food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was,
how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly
without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending
over the sea for drink." I replied "that England (the dear place of
my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of
food more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as
liquors extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain
trees, which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in
every other convenience of life. But, in order to feed the luxury
and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we
sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other
countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases,
folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of
necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek.
their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping,
flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,
fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,
whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like
occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains to
make him understand.
"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to
supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort
of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses,
diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant
imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears,
suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the
use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it
must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and
that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our
lives uncomfortable and short.
"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves
by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich
and to each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as
I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred
tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as
many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife."
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions,
informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.
But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to.
apprehend what I meant. "He could easily conceive, that a
HOUYHNHNM, grew weak and heavy a few days before his
death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who
works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in
our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason
of so unaccountable an evil."
I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary
to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank
without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights
drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to
sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented
digestion; that prostitute female YAHOOS acquired a certain
malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who fell into
their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, were
propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the
world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would be
endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human
bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred,
spread over every limb and joint -in short, every part, external and
intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself. To remedy which,
there was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or
pretence, of curing the sick. And because I had some skill in the
faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let him know the
whole mystery and method by which they proceed.
"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion;
whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is
necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the.
mouth. Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils,
shells, salts, juices, seaweed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents,
toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, birds, beasts,
and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the most
abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive,
which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this
they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with some
other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the
orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be
disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the
bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and
this they call a purge, or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians
allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the
intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for
ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases
nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the
body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by
interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in
at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.
"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary
cures; these have their several names, and so have the drugs that
are proper for them; and with these our female YAHOOS are
always infested.
"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,
wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when
they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death,.
which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and
therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they
have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false
prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world,
by a seasonable dose.
"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are
grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of
state, and often to princes."
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon
the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the
whole world. But having here accidentally mentioned a minister
of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, "what
species of YAHOO I particularly meant by that appellation."
I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the
person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt
from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes
use of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication
of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you
should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should
take it for a truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs
are in the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to
praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn..
The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especially when it is
confirmed with an oath; after which, every wise man retires, and
gives over all hopes.
"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief
minister. The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose
of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or
undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in
public assemblies, against the corruption's of the court. But a wise
prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the last
of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most
obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their
master. That these ministers, having all employments at their
disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of
a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act
of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him), "they
secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the
public laden with the spoils of the nation.
"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in
his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their
master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and
learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence,
lying, and bribery. Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid
to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of
dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be
successors to their lord..
"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite
footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are
conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the
governors of the kingdom."
One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment
which I could not pretend to deserve: "that he was sure I must
have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in
shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the YAHOOS of his nation,
although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which must be
imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes; and
besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but
likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all
his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy."
He made me observe, "that among the HOUYHNHNMS, the
white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as
the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents
of mind, or a capacity