venturing. SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd. SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but that I am afeard. QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you. ANNE. I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice. O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle. SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the degree of a squire. SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you. ANNE. Now, Master Slender- SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne- ANNE. What is your will? SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask your father; here he comes. Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne- Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here? You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house. I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of. FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. PAGE. She is no match for you. FENTON. Sir, will you hear me? PAGE. No, good Master Fenton. Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in. Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page. FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, I must advance the colours of my love, And not retire. Let me have your good will. ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor. ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth. And bowl'd to death with turnips. MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy; My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected; Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in; Her father will be angry. FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan. Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton.' This is my doing. FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains. QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit FENTON] A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd, and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it! Exit SCENE 5. The Garter Inn Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say! BARDOLPH. Here, sir. FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't. Exit BARDOLPH Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of mummy. Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. BARDOLPH. Come in, woman. Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your worship good morrow. FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely. BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir? FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. [Exit BARDOLPH] How now! QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault! She does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection. FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make you amends, I warrant you. FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. QUICKLY. I will tell her. FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou? QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir. FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her. QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir. Exit FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he comes. Enter FORD disguised FORD. Bless you, sir! FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife? FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her house the hour she appointed me. FORD. And sped you, sir? FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination? FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. FORD. What, while you were there? FALSTAFF. While I was there. FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you? FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket. FORD. A buck-basket! FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. FORD. And how long lay you there? FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook. FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate; you'll undertake her no more. FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir. FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. Exit FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me-I'll be horn mad. Exit ACT IV. SCENE I. Windsor. A street Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM MRS. PAGE. Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou? QUICKLY. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. MRS. PAGE. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young man here to school. Look where his master comes; 'tis a playing day, I see. Enter SIR HUGH EVANS How now, Sir Hugh, no school to-day? EVANS. No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. QUICKLY. Blessing of his heart! MRS. PAGE. Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some questions in his accidence. EVANS. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. MRS. PAGE. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master; be not afraid. EVANS. William, how many numbers is in nouns? WILLIAM. Two. QUICKLY. Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say 'Od's nouns.' EVANS. Peace your tattlings. What is 'fair,' William? WILLIAM. Pulcher. QUICKLY. Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, sure. EVANS. You are a very simplicity oman; I pray you, peace. What is 'lapis,' William? WILLIAM. A stone. EVANS. And what is 'a stone,' William? WILLIAM. A pebble. EVANS. No, it is 'lapis'; I pray you remember in your prain. WILLIAM. Lapis. EVANS. That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? WILLIAM. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined: Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc. EVANS. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case? WILLIAM. Accusativo, hinc. EVANS. I pray you, have your remembrance, child. Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. QUICKLY. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. EVANS. Leave your prabbles, oman. What is the focative case, William? WILLIAM. O-vocativo, O. EVANS. Remember, William: focative is caret. QUICKLY. And that's a good root. EVANS. Oman, forbear. MRS. PAGE. Peace. EVANS. What is your genitive case plural, William? WILLIAM. Genitive case? EVANS. Ay. WILLIAM. Genitive: horum, harum, horum. QUICKLY. Vengeance of Jenny's case; fie on her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore. EVANS. For shame, oman. QUICKLY. YOU do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call 'horum'; fie upon you! EVANS. Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. MRS. PAGE. Prithee hold thy peace. EVANS. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. WILLIAM. Forsooth, I have forgot. EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your qui's, your quae's, and your quod's, you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go. MRS. PAGE. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. EVANS. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page. MRS. PAGE. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit SIR HUGH Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. Exeunt SCENE 2. FORD'S house Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now? MRS. FORD. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. MRS. PAGE. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford, what hoa! MRS. FORD. Step into th' chamber, Sir John. Exit FALSTAFF Enter MISTRESS PAGE MRS. PAGE. How now, sweetheart, who's at home besides yourself? MRS. FORD. Why, none but mine own people. MRS. PAGE. Indeed? MRS. FORD. No, certainly. [Aside to her] Speak louder. MRS. PAGE. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. MRS. FORD. Why? MRS. PAGE. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses an Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying 'Peer-out, peer-out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here. MRS. FORD. Why, does he talk of him? MRS. PAGE. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he search'd for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. MRS. FORD. How near is he, Mistress Page? MRS. PAGE. Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon. MRS. FORD. I am undone: the knight is here. MRS. PAGE. Why, then, you are utterly sham'd, and he's but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him; better shame than murder. MRS. FORD. Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again? Re-enter FALSTAFF FALSTAFF. No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not go out ere he come? MRS. PAGE. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? FALSTAFF. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. MRS. FORD. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. MRS. PAGE. Creep into the kiln-hole. FALSTAFF. Where is it? MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the house. FALSTAFF. I'll go out then. MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguis'd. MRS. FORD. How might we disguise him? MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. FALSTAFF. Good hearts, devise something; any extremity rather than a mischief. MRS. FORD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above. MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is; and there's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. Put on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threat'ned to beat her. MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming? MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. MRS. FORD. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time. MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress him like the witch of Brainford. MRS. FORD. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Wives may be merry and yet honest too. We do not act that often jest and laugh; 'Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him; quickly, dispatch. Exit FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up. SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals, there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be sham'd. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching. PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinion'd. EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog. SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. FORD. So say I too, sir. Re-enter MISTRESS FORD Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I? MRS. FORD. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. [Pulling clothes out of the basket] PAGE. This passes! MRS. FORD. Are you not asham'd? Let the clothes alone. FORD. I shall find you anon. EVANS. 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's clothes? Come away. FORD. Empty the basket, I say. MRS. FORD. Why, man, why? FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey'd out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death. PAGE. Here's no man. SHALLOW. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you. EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies. FORD. Well, he's not here I seek for. PAGE. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table sport; let them say of me 'As jealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. FORD. Old woman? what old woman's that? MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford. FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by th' figure, and such daub'ry as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say. MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand. FORD. I'll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you. baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you. Exit FALSTAFF MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham'd? I think you have kill'd the poor woman. MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you. FORD. Hang her, witch! EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under his muffler. FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. PAGE. Let's obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. MRS. FORD. Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought. MRS. PAGE. I'll have the cudgel hallow'd and hung o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service. MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar'd out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv'd him? MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. MRS. FORD. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly sham'd; and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly sham'd. MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things cool. Exeunt SCENE 3. The Garter Inn Enter HOST and BARDOLPH BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses; the Duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they are going to meet him. HOST. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. HOST. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay; I'll sauce them; they have had my house a week at command; I have turn'd away my other guests. They must come off; I'll sauce them. Come. Exeunt SCENE 4 FORD'S house Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS EVANS. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever did look upon. PAGE. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? MRS. PAGE. Within a quarter of an hour. FORD. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt; I rather will suspect the sun with cold Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand, In him that was of late an heretic, As firm as faith. PAGE. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. Be not as extreme in submission as in offence; But let our plot go forward. Let our wives Yet once again, to make us public sport, Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. FORD. There is no better way than that they spoke of. PAGE. How? To send him word they'll meet him in the Park at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come! EVANS. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has been grievously peaten as an old oman; methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks his flesh is punish'd; he shall have no desires. PAGE. So think I too. MRS. FORD. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes, And let us two devise to bring him thither. MRS. PAGE. There is an old tale goes that Heme the Hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight, Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns; And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain In a most hideous and dreadful manner. You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know The superstitious idle-headed eld Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age, This tale of Heme the Hunter for a truth. PAGE. Why yet there want not many that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak. But what of this? MRS. FORD. Marry, this is our device- That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, Disguis'd, like Heme, with huge horns on his head. PAGE. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come, And in this shape. When you have brought him thither, What shall be done with him? What is your plot? MRS. PAGE. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white, With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden, As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met, Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once With some diffused song; upon their sight We two in great amazedness will fly. Then let them all encircle him about, And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight; And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, In their so sacred paths he dares to tread In shape profane. MRS. FORD. And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound, And burn him with their tapers. MRS. PAGE. The truth being known, We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, And mock him home to Windsor. FORD. The children must Be practis'd well to this or they'll nev'r do 't. EVANS. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber. FORD. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. MRS. PAGE. My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white. PAGE. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away, And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight. FORD. Nay, I'll to him again, in name of Brook; He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come. MRS. PAGE. Fear not you that. Go get us properties And tricking for our fairies. EVANS. Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS MRS. PAGE. Go, Mistress Ford. Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind. Exit MRS. FORD I'll to the Doctor; he hath my good will, And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; And he my husband best of all affects. The Doctor is well money'd, and his friends Potent at court; he, none but he, shall have her, Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. Exit SCENE 5. The Garter Inn Enter HOST and SIMPLE HOST. What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. SIMPLE. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender. HOST. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and can; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say. SIMPLE. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed. HOST. Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robb'd. I'll call. Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. FALSTAFF. [Above] How now, mine host? HOST. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie, privacy, fie! Enter FALSTAFF FALSTAFF. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with, me; but she's gone. SIMPLE. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brainford? FALSTAFF. Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you with her? SIMPLE. My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the chain or no. FALSTAFF. I spake with the old woman about it. SIMPLE. And what says she, I pray, sir? FALSTAFF Marry, she says that the very same man that beguil'd Master Slender of his chain cozen'd him of it. SIMPLE. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him. FALSTAFF. What are they? Let us know. HOST. Ay, come; quick. SIMPLE. I may not conceal them, sir. FALSTAFF. Conceal them, or thou diest. SIMPLE.. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no. FALSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune. SIMPLE. What sir? FALSTAFF. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so. SIMPLE. May I be bold to say so, sir? FALSTAFF. Ay, sir, like who more bold? SIMPLE., I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings. Exit SIMPLE HOST. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee? FALSTAFF. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH BARDOLPH. Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere cozenage! HOST. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto. BARDOLPH. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. HOST. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men. Enter SIR HUGH EVANS EVANS. Where is mine host? HOST. What is the matter, sir? EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well. Exit Enter DOCTOR CAIUS CAIUS. Vere is mine host de Jarteer? HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma. CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone. Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the car of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried pear. I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, would repent. Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY Now! whence come you? QUICKLY. From the two parties, forsooth. FALSTAFF. The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffer'd more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear. QUICKLY. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. FALSTAFF. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable had set me i' th' stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch. QUICKLY. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so cross'd. FALSTAFF. Come up into my chamber. Exeunt SCENE 6. The Garter Inn Enter FENTON and HOST HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I will give over all. FENTON. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give the A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel. FENTON. From time to time I have acquainted you With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection, So far forth as herself might be her chooser, Even to my wish. I have a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my matter That neither, singly, can be manifested Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff Hath a great scene. The image of the jest I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: To-night at Heme's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one, Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen- The purpose why is here-in which disguise, While other jests are something rank on foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender, and with him at Eton Immediately to marry; she hath consented. Now, sir, Her mother, even strong against that match And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed That he shall likewise shuffle her away While other sports are tasking of their minds, And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends, Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot She seemingly obedient likewise hath Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests: Her father means she shall be all in white; And in that habit, when Slender sees his time To take her by the hand and bid her go, She shall go with him; her mother hath intended The better to denote her to the doctor- For they must all be mask'd and vizarded- That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd, With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head; And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, The maid hath given consent to go with him. HOST. Which means she to deceive, father or mother? FENTON. Both, my good host, to go along with me. And here it rests-that you'll procure the vicar To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one, And in the lawful name of marrying, To give our hearts united ceremony. HOST. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar. Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. FENTON. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Exeunt ACT V. SCENE 1. The Garter Inn Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away. QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns. FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and mince. Exit MRS. QUICKLY Enter FORD disguised How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders. FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed? FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese, play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow. Exeunt SCENE 2. Windsor Park Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDE