ve-lOp-ment!!! ====  * 16 marta 1997 goda *  Vse horosho, chto vovremya konchaetsya Vyezd avtobusov iz Trondhajma byl naznachen na 5 vechera. Vybor vremeni otvechal luchshim tradiciyam norvezhskoj inkvizicii - imenno v pyat' chasov otkryvalis' okrestnye bary, predostavlyavshie edinstvennuyu vozmozhnost' v voskresen'e zanimat'sya zavetnym - stroit' kommunizm v otdel'no vzyatyh golovah. Krovenosnaya sistema buksovala, pod®edaya vcherashnie promile spirta. Da i proshchanie prohodilo so skripom. Dlya teh, kto ne hotel okazat'sya zapodozrennym v mizantropii, luchshej taktikoj bylo - ostanavlivat'sya, kogda kto-to stanovilsya na doroge, i, naskoro ocenivaya pol, zhat' ruku ili celovat'. Otkliknuvshis' na pros'bu Ule Martina (voditelya), priglasit' passazhirov vovnutr', Aleksandr s gotovnost'yu vysunulsya na pol-korpusa iz avtobusa i, rubya vozduh nevidimoj shashkoj, prokrichal: - Everybody be cool this is a robbery! Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every one of you motherfuckers! Got that? - Posle chego byl krepko shvachen za gorlo krepkimi ot chastogo vrashcheniya rulya pal'cami. Gryanuv "Naverh vy, tovarishchi, vse po mestam!...", tovarishchi polezli naverh po skol'zkim avtobusnym stupenyam. CHto-to takoe, konechno, skreblo na dushe, no serdce vystukivalo: "SKORO my budem DOMA! TAM budet EDA! TAM budet KROVATX!.." Iz treh avtobusov nam, kak voditsya, dostalsya naimenee prisposoblennyj. "Svyatye ugodniki: pod siden'em ni naduvnoj lodki, ni dazhe naduvnoj utki!" Ule Martin (voditel'), obrashchayas' k litovskoj podruge:: - Sdelaj odolzhenie, podmeni menya za rulem. Da, sadis'. Tol'ko snachala ya dolzhen koe-chto ob®yasnit'. |to (pokazyvaet na ruchku peredach) - radio. Vidish' bukvu R? Kanaly pereklyuchayutsya vot tak. Teper', samaya levaya pedal' - eto gaz... Lieberfraumilch Tem vremenem prostaya russkaya devochka Vera vstupila v poru sovershennoletiya. Potrebovalos' lish' minuta, chtoby cifra _18_ narisovalas' pered progressivnoj obshchestvennost'yu vo vsej svoej mnogoznachitel'nosti. Podvid, obychno oboznachaemyj literoj "M", zagovoril vdrug s kavkazkim akcentom: "Padem Vera na zapravk! Hot-dog est - egurt pyt!". Zahotelos' spirtnogo. I vot "bal'shoj zapravk". Ryadom - zakusochnaya, vnutri zakusochnoj - bol'shoj bar. Suhoe vino po 100 kron. Prekrasno. Vera gotova k tratam, no ponimaet, chto popytka kupit' vina zakonchitsya dlya nee privodom v policiyu i zamechaniem v dnevnik. Vzglyad ee eee...skazhem, karih glaz padaet na Aleksandra, speshashchego cherez pomeshchenie s litrovoj bankoj morozhennogo v levoj ruke. On iz drugogo avtobusa, emu mozhno doveryat'. - Slushaj, Sash, kupi mne vina. Oni ne razreshayut s soboj unosit', govoryat - zdes' pit'. Ty obmani kak-nibud'. Sejchas den'gi dam. A kakogo luchshe: krasnogo ili belogo? - |ee... Belogo. Tryaset v avtobuse. Bryzzhet. Prichesavshis' pyaternej i naduv shcheki, Aleksandr zahodit v bar. Dve prodavshchicy, chuya neladnoe, poplotnee nasazhivayut belye chepcy i zanimayut poziciyu u stojki. - Menu, please. Thank you. No, I am not hungry. Ehm-mm, do you have dry wine by any chance? Oh, I see. We-e-ll, please give me four glasses and a bottle of ...emmm...can I look at that one? No, the one to the left - "Lieberfraumilch". Thank you, thank you. Yes. So - this bottle and four glasses. No, don't open it. I want to do it myself, you know. It will be more romantic... Look, I have an opener! Yes, we will drink it here. Madame, I am Jegova witness, we never lie. Thank you. Fu, blya...Zatrahali.  * 17 marta 1997 goda *  CHelovek za bortom! Danila: Noch'yu menya, kak vse ravno yavno ne spyashchego, podnyal Ule Martin. Vid - sumasshedshij, ves' tryasetsya, glaza po pyat' kron (t.e. razmerom s shokoladnuyu medal'). "My poteryali cheloveka! Ty dolzhen ego znat'! On russkij!" Iz opisaniya ya koe-kak ulovil, kogo imeyut v vidu i poshel iskat'. Okazalos', chto russkij (imevshij dovol'no ustrashayushchij vid - chto-to malen'koe, brovastoe, usatoe, v rogovyh ochkah, s peremotannoj bintami ot uha do uha golovoj) sdelal rokovuyu oshibku - snyal na noch' binty i ochki. I ego nedoschitalis'... Trevoga byla otmenena, voditeli prinyali uspokoitel'nye kapli i razoshlis', a russkij tiho spal na zadnem siden'e. On ne znal, chto ego uspeli poteryat' i najti... Ne b'etsya, ne lomaetsya, a tol'ko kuvyrkaetsya... Magazin na benzokolonke. Dostupnost' tovarov dlya pokrazhi privodit v rasstrojstvo. Edinstvennaya mera predostorozhnosti - vognutoe zerkalo pod potolkom, napodobie teh, chto veshayut na perekrestkah. Zerkalo medlenno povorachivaet motor, takaya ohrana ne zatrudnit i pyatiletnego rebenka iz sem'i srednej obespechennosti. U menya, to bish' u Aleksandra, za poslednie dva goda razvilas' strast' k gutaperchevym myachikam. Znaete, kotorye podprygivayut na vysotu, stokratno prevyshayushchuyu ih diametr i vsyakoe ozhidanie. A etot myachik byl vdobavok raznocvetnyj. YA szhal ego v kulake i sadanul ob pol. Otskoka ne posledovalo, posledoval hrust. Gm, po-vidimosti, eto byla pogremushka. Opyat' Stokgol'm. Opyat' aeroport. Utro. ZHara. Samaya nastoyashchaya zhara, hotya i nol' gradusov. Vidimo, pogoda sdelala dlya sebya nekotorye vyvody. Kak izvestno, esli plohaya pogoda zakanchivaetsya - znachit, gde-to ona nuzhnee. Tak vot, soprovozhdaya nas na puti iz Moskvy, nepogoda otstala. I poka ona s grehom popolam dobralas' so vsemi svoimi buranami do Norvegii, my uspeli nasladit'sya prekrasnymi solnechnymi den'kami. Poetomu, chtoby ne oblazhat'sya i na obratnom puti, tuchi dvinulis' v put' zablagovremenno, i v Moskve vstretili nas vo vsem svoem velikolepii. Sootvetstvenno, Stokgol'm byl ostavlen nepogodoj - nam na poruganie. / iz lichnogo arhiva psihoanalitika Tyul'kina, razdel "Gruppovoj solipsizm" / D'yuti-Fri, sushch. m.r. (zaim. ang.) Rod spec. magazina (preim. v aeroportah), isp. dlya obmena ostatka zarub. valyuty na abs. ubogie suveniry i alkogol'. Letim Vidimo, nam poschastlivilos' prisutstvovat' pri znamenatel'nom sobytii: istoshchenii ostavshihsya s sovetskih vremen zapasov prodovol'stviya Aeroflota. Vse Aeroflotovskie Kuricy s®edeny uzhe davno, i my byli poslednimi, kto zastal Aeroflotovskie Holodnye Makarony. Poskol'ku na puti obratno nas kormili uzhe chem-to voobshche izdevatel'skim, pereplevyvayushchim po nekalorijnosti dazhe Isfitovskie lanchi. Tem ne menee, samolet letel. Vot - pozhalujsta - Stokgol'm, vot - Piter, vot ono - more... Vot ono, schast'e... YA - priletel. CHto bylo zasvidetel'stvovano: - tolstoj baboj v mundire i so shtampom - dvumya tolstymi muzhikami v forme, kotorym porucheno v gigienicheskih celyah sobirat' ispol'zovannye tamozhennye deklaracii - i sotnej vstrechavshih menya taksistov. Na obratnom puti, v avtobuse iz SHeremet'eva, sostoyalos' znakomstvo s polovinoj russkih, pobyvavshih na ISFiT'e. Stanciya metro Rechnoj Vokzal My poproshchalis' s russkimi druz'yami, muzhestvenno vynesli ritual pogolovnogo sleznogo lobyzaniya i vyshli na ulicu. Nas zhdala Rodina. Rodina vstrechala nas promozgloj dymkoj, pivom Baltika i nastoyashchej sosiskoj za 5 kron, t'fu, blin, shtuk. Rodina lyubila nas po-prezhnemu, nevziraya na nashe predatel'skoe otsutstvie... Hotelos' vskochit' (hotya my i tak stoyali) i, davyas' slezami, sosiskoj i pivom, neozhidanno sevshim golosom zakrichat': MAMA! YA VERNULSYA! Cast Anna Poznanskaya Maksim Tujkin Danila Vorob'ev Aleksandr Zavalishin Pervyj shved Vtoroj shved Tretij shved vzhzhzhzhzhzh... Tridcat' vos'moj shved Pervyj norvezhec Vtoroj norvezhec Tretij i chetvertyj norvezhec Pyatyj norvezhec vzhzhzhzhzhzh... Dvesti pyat'desyat vos'moj norvezhec Deti raznyh narodov v kolichestve neistrebimom. ...Bratanie i sestrenie. Smeshalis' v kuche lyudi i nelyudi. Olimpijskij mishka lizhet uho MakDonal'du, ku-kluks-klanovec v paradnom naryade bayukaet negritenka, palestinec zovet izrail'tyanina pogostit' v sektor Gaza. Kastety, bejsbol'nye bity i karmannye Biblii prorastayut cvetami...  My tuda eshche vernemsya. H A P E R V O M P O P U T H O M T A H K E!  ---------------------------------------------------------------  * APPENDIKS 1 *  --------------------------------------------------------------- Ne po-russki. / perevodil Dan / pokrazha, perepechatka i nedopechatka presleduetsya ispolnenie i odobrenie privetstvuetsya Na pole tanki grohotali Narodnaya. Ispolnyaet avtor. The tanks were rattling like a thunder The soldiers went to final fight And here they carried young commander With head all broken outright His tank was hit with armor-piercer So say good-bye to Guardian crew Just four more corpses in the hillside Will add to fair morning view 'Cause now the vehicle is a-burning Wait for the shells to detonate You wanna live to see this morning But you're too weak and it's too late So they'll extract you from the remains They'll put your coffin on the clay And fire & thunder from the mainguns Will see you into your last way For now the telegrames are flying To tell the friends and relatives That their good son is never coming And never getting any leave And there's that photo on the bookshelf Collecting dust for years on end - In uniform, with shoulder-boards on... And he will never be her man. In unifo-orm, wI-EEEEEEth shoul-der-bo-ards OOOOOOOn... And he will never be her man. * * * Idu. Kuryu. Fedor CHistyakov. Late at night I'm walking home After smoking up some hash Life at once is getting better Getting wonderful and fresh I walk, I smoke.. I walk, I smoke.. And my ears ring, And the skies sing And there stands a fog Over everything Through the night an' day There stands a fog Over all my way There hangs a smoke All the night an' day There hangs a smoke Over all my way... And here - I walk.... I smoke... I walk... I smoke... Look how I walk An' smoke Just walk... An' smoke...