dn't yet be called a human being, but rather a semifoetus, and that it ought to either be shoved back again or put into a incubator. And so they put me into an incubator. 1935 -------- The Incubating Period I sat in the incubator for four months. I remember only that the incubator was made of glass, was transparent and had a thermometer. I sat inside the incubator on cotton wool. I don't remember anything else about it. After four months they took me out of the incubator. They did this, as it happens, on the first of January 1906. By this means, I was to all intents and purposes born for a third time. But it was the first of January that was counted as my birthday. 1935 * Note: Daniil Kharms was in fact born on 17 December (Old Style) / 25 December (New Style), 1905. -------- Memoirs <"I Decided to Mess up the Party..."> 1. Once I arrived at Gosizdat <publishing house> and there in Gosizdat met Yevgeny L'vovich Shvarts who, as always, was badly dressed but with pretention to something. Catching sight of me, Shvarts began to crack jokes but also, as always, unsuccessfully. I cracked jokes significantly more successfully and soon, with regard to intellectual relations, put Shvarts squarely on his back. Everyone around envied my wit, but they could do nothing about it as they literally killed themselves laughing. In particular Nina Vladimirovna Gernet and David Yefimych Rakhmilovich, who called himself Eugene because of the sound of it, used to kill themselves laughing. Seeing that his jokes didn't work with me, Shvarts started to change his tone and in the end, cursing me up and down, declared that everyone in Tiflis knows Zabolotsky and hardly anyone knows me. At this point I lost my temper and said that I was more historically important than Shvarts and Zabolotsky, that I shall leave a radiant mark upon history, while they will quickly be forgotten. Having got the feel of my magnitude and my major world significance, Shvarts gradually began to palpitate and invited me round for dinner. 2. I decided to mess up the party, and that's what I'm going to do. I'll start with Valentina Yefimovna. This inhospitable personage invites us round and instead of a meal she puts on the table some awful sour stuff. I enjoy eating and I know what's what when it comes to food. You can't fool me with sour muck! I even go into restaurants on occasions and see what sort of food they have there. And I cannot stand it when this particularity of my character is not recognized. Now I'll move on to Leonid Savel'evich Lipavsky. He didn't shrink from telling me in my face that every month he composes ten thoughts. In the first place, he's lying. He doesn't compose ten, it's less. And secondly, I think up more. I haven't counted up how many I think up in a month, but it must be more than he does... And I, for example, don't throw it in everyone's face that I, say, possess a colossal mind. I have quite sufficient evidence to consider myself a great man. Yes and, at any rate, I do consider myself such. That is why it is insulting and painful for me to find myself among people who are inferior to me in terms of mind, insight and talent, and not to feel that I am accorded the respect that is fully my due. Why, oh why am I better than everyone else? 3. Now I have understood everything: Leonid Savel'evich is a German. He even has German habits. Look at the way he eats. Well, he's a pure German, that's all there is to it! Even by his legs you can tell that he's a German. Without boasting at all, I am able to say that I am very observant and witty. So, for example, if you take Leonid Savel'evich, Yuri Berzin and Vol'f Erlikh and line them all up together on the pavement, then you could well call them: major, minor and minimus. In my view that's witty, because it's moderately funny. And all the same, Leonid Savel'evich is a German! I really must tell him this when I see him. I don't consider myself an especially intelligent person, but all the same I have to say that I'm more intelligent than all the rest. Perhaps there's someone more intelligent than me on Mars, but I don't know about on Earth. For instance, they say that Oleinikov is very intelligent. And in my view he is intelligent, but not very. He discovered, for example, that if you write a '6' and turn it upside down, then you get a '9'. And in my view that's just stupid. Leonid Savel'evich is absolutely right when he says that someone's mind is their worth. And if there is no mind, that means there is no worth. Yakov Semyonovich argues with Leonid Savel'evich and says that someone's mind is their weakness. And in my view that's already a paradox. Why ever should the mind be a weakness? Not at all. Rather, it's a stronghold. I think so, anyway. We often get together at Leonid Savel'evich's and talk about this. If an argument breaks out, then I always turn out the winner of the argument. I myself don't know why. Everyone regards me with a certain astonishment for some reason. Whatever I do, everyone finds it astonishing. I don't even make any effort. Everything seems to work out of its own accord. Zabolotsky said some time that I was born to govern the spheres. He must have been joking. No such idea has ever entered my head. In the Writers' Union I am considered an angel, for some reason. Listen, my friends! In fact you shouldn't bend the knee before me like that. I am just the same as all of you, only better. 4. I have heard the phrase: 'Seize the moment'. It's easily said, but hard to do. In my view, it's a meaningless expression. And really, you can't call for the impossible. I say this with complete certainty, because I have tested everything on myself. I have grabbed at the moment but not managed to seize it and have merely broken my watch. Now I know that it's impossible. it's also impossible to 'seize the epoch', because it's the same as the moment, only a bit more so. It's another matter if you say: 'Document what is happening at this moment'... That is quite another matter. So, for example: one, two, three! Nothing happened! And so I have documented a moment in which nothing happened. I told Zabolotsky about this. He was very taken by this and sat the whole day counting: one, two, three! And made notes that nothing had happened. Shvarts caught Zabolotsky at this activity. And Shvarts also took an interest in this original means of documenting what was happening in our epoch, since an epoch is formed out of moments. But I beg to draw your attention to the fact that once again I was the prime mover of this method. Me again! Me everywhere! It's simply astonishing! What comes with difficulty to others comes easily to me! I can even fly. But I'm not going to tell you about that because, come what may, nobody will believe it. 5. Whenever two people are playing chess, it always seems to me that one is fooling the other. Especially if they are playing for money. In general, I find any kind of playing for money disgusting. I forbid gambling in my presence. And as for card players, I would have them executed. That would be the best method of getting to grips with games of chance. Instead of playing card games, it would be better if people would get together and read each other a bit of ethics. Though ethics is rather boring. Womanizing is more fun. Women have always interested me. Women's legs have always excited me, especially above the knee. Many people consider women to be depraved creatures. But not me! On the contrary, I even consider them to be somehow quite pleasant. A plumpish young woman! What's depraved about her? She's not depraved at all! Children are another matter. They are usually said to be innocent. And I consider that they might well be innocent, but anyway they are highly loathsome, especially when they are dancing. I always make an exit from anywhere where there are children. Leonid Savel'evich also doesn't like children. And it was me who inspired him with such ideas. ... Generally speaking, everything that Leonid Savel'evich says has already been said some time earlier by me. And that doesn't only go for Leonid Savel'evich. Everyone is only too pleased to pick up even scraps of my ideas. I even find this funny. For example, Oleinikov ran up to me yesterday, saying that he had got into a complete muddle over questions of existence. I gave him some sort of advice and discharged him. He went off delighted with me and in his very best mood. People see me as a means of support, they repeat my words, they are astonished by my actions, but they don't pay me money. Foolish people! Bring me money, the more the better, and you will see how pleased that will make me. 6. Now I'll say a few words about Aleksandr Ivanovich.1 He's a wind-bag and a card player. But what I value him for is his obedience to me. By day and by night he dances attendance on me, just waiting for a hint from me of some command. I have only to proffer such a hint and Aleksandr Ivanovich flies like the wind to carry out my wish. For this I bought him some shoes and said: -- There you are, wear them! And so he wears them. Whenever Aleksandr Ivanovich arrives at Gosizdat, they all laugh and say to each other that Aleksandr Ivanovich has come for his money. Konstantin Ignat'evich Drovatsky hides under the table. I say this in an allegorical sense. More than anything, Aleksandr Ivanovich loves macaroni. He always eats it with ground rusks and he gobbles up almost a whole kilo, and perhaps even much more. Having eaten his macaroni, Aleksandr Ivanovich says he feels sick and lies down on the divan. Sometimes the macaroni comes back up. Aleksandr Ivanovich doesn't eat meat and he doesn't like women. Although sometimes he likes them. Apparently, even very often. But the women whom Aleksandr Ivanovich likes, to my taste, are all ugly, and therefore we shall consider that they are not even women at all. If I say a thing, that means it's correct. I don't advise anyone to argue with me, as they will just be made a fool of, because I get the last word with everyone. And it's no use you bandying words with me. That's already been tried. I've seen them all off! Never mind that I look as though I can barely talk, but when I get going, there's no stopping me. Once I got going at the Lipavskys and that was that! I talked them all to death! Then I went off to the Zabolotskys and talked everyone's head off there. Then I went to the Shvartses and talked everyone's head off there. Then I arrived home and talked half the night away again there! 1930s 1 A. I. Vvedensky was a close friend of D. Kharms. -------- <"I Love Sensual Women..."> I love sensual women and not passionate ones. A passionate woman closes her eyes, moans and shouts and the enjoyment of a passionate woman is blind. A passionate woman writhes about, grabs you with her hands without looking where, clasps you, kisses you, even bites you and hurries to reach her climax as soon as she can. She has no time to display her sexual organs, no time to examine, touch with the hand and kiss your sexual organs, she is in such a hurry to slake her passion. Having slaked her passion, the passionate woman will fall asleep. The sexual organs of a passionate woman are dry. A passionate woman is always in some way or another mannish. The sensual woman is always feminine. Her contours are rounded and abundant. The sensual woman rarely reaches a blind passion. She savours sexual enjoyment. The sensual woman is always a woman and even in an unaroused state her sexual organs are moist. She has to wear a bandage on her sexual organs, so as not to soak them with moisture. When she takes the bandage off in the evening, the bandage is so wet that it can be squeezed out. Thanks to such an abundance of juices, the sexual organs of a sensual woman give off a slight, pleasant smell which increases strongly when the sensual woman is aroused. Then the juice from her sexual organs is secreted in a syrupy stream. A sensual woman likes you to examine her sexual organs. early 1930s -------- <"But the Artist..."> But the artist sat the nude model on the table and moved her legs apart. The girl hardly resisted and merely covered her face with her hands. Amonova and Strakhova said that first the girl should have been taken off to the bathroom and washed between her legs, as any whiff of such an aroma was simply repulsive. The girl wanted to jump up but the artist held her back and asked her to take no notice and sit there, just as he had placed her. The girl, not knowing what she was supposed to do, sat back down again. The artist and his female colleagues took their respective seats and began sketching the nude model. Petrova said that the nude model was a very seductive woman, but Strakhova and Amonova said that she was rather plump and indecent. Zolotogromov said that this was what made her seductive, but Strakhova said that this was simply repulsive, and not at all seductive. -- Look -- said Strakhova -- ugh! It's pouring out of her on to the table cloth. What is there seductive about that, when I can sniff the smell off her from here. Petrova said that this only showed her feminine strength. Abel'far blushed and agreed. Amonova said she had seen nothing like it, that you get to the highest point of arousal and it still wouldn't secrete like this girl did. Petrova said that, faced with that, one could get aroused oneself and that Zolotogromov must already be aroused. Zolotogromov agreed that the girl was having quite an effect on him. Abel'far sat there red in the face and she was breathing heavily. -- However, the air in this room is becoming unbearable -- said Strakhova. Abel'far fidgeted on her chair and then leapt up and went out of the room. -- There -- said Petrova -- you see the result of female seductiveness. It even acts on the ladies. Abel'far has gone off to put herself to rights. I can feel that I will soon have to do the same thing. -- That -- said Amonova -- only shows the advantage we thin women possess. Everything with us is always as it should be. But both you and Abel'far are splendiferous ladies and you have to keep yourselves very much in check. -- Yet -- said Zolotogromov -- splendiferousness and a certain lack of bodily hygiene are what is to be particularly valued in a woman. 1934-37 * Zolotogromov is a male surname; all other characters are female. -------- Foma Bobrov and his Spouse A Comedy in Three Parts GRANNY Bobrov (Playing patience) Now that's the card. Oh, it's all coming out topsy-turvy! A king. And where am I supposed to put that? Just when you want one, there's never a five around. Oh, I could do with a five! Now it'll be the five. Oh, sod it, another king! She flings the cards on to the table with such force that a porcelain vase falls off the table and smashes. GRANNY Oh! Oh! My Gawd! These bloody cards! (She crawls under the table and picks up the pieces). This'll never glue back together again. And it was a good vase, too. You can't get them like that any more. This bit's right over there! (Stretches for the piece. BOBROV enters the room). BOBROV Granny! Is that you clambering about under the table? GRANNY Yes, okay, okay. What do you want? BOBROV I just came to ask you: you wouldn't happen to have a chest of tea? GRANNY Come on then, give me a hand up from under the table. BOBROV What have you done, dropped something? Oh, you've broken the vase! GRANNY (Mimicking him) You've broken the vase! (BOBROV helps GRANNY up. But as soon as he lets go of her, GRANNY sits back down on the floor). BOBROV Oh, you're down again! GRANNY Down, so now what? BOBROV Let me help you up (Pulls GRANNY up). GRANNY The cards were going badly. I tried this and that... But don't pull me by the arms, get hold of me under the armpits. All I got, you know, was king after king. I need a five and all the kings keep turning up. BOBROV lets go of GRANNY and GRANNY again sprawls on the floor. GRANNY Akh! BOBROV Oh, Lord! You're down again. GRANNY What are you on about: down, down! What are you after, anyway? BOBROV I came to ask if you've a chest of tea. GRANNY I know that. You've already told me. I don't like listening to the same tale twenty times. The thing is: akh, I'm down again! and a chest of tea. Well, what are you looking at! Get me up, I'm telling you. BOBROV (Pulling GRANNY up) I'll just, excuse me, put you in the armchair. GRANNY You'd do better to prattle on a bit less and pull me up in a proper fashion. I meant to tell you, and it almost slipped my mind: you know, that door in my bedroom isn't shutting properly again. No doubt you messed the whole thing up. BOBROV No, I put a staple on with fillister-head screws. GRANNY Do you think I know anything about staples and fillister heads? I don't care about all that. I just want the door to shut. BOBROV It doesn't shut properly because the fillister heads won't stay in the woodwork. GRANNY That'll do, that'll do. That's your business. I just need to... Akh! (She again sprawls on the floor). BOBROV Oh, Lord! GRANNY Have you decided to fling me to the floor deliberately? Decided to have a bit of fun? Oh you useless devil! You're just a useless devil and you might as well clear off! BOBROV No, Granny, 'onest injun, I just meant to put you in the armchair. GRANNY Did you hear what I said? I told you to clear out! So why aren't you going? Well, why aren't you going? Do you hear? Clear off out of it! Well? Bugger off! (exits BOBROV) GRANNY Off! Go on! Away! Bugger off! Talk about a reprobate! (Gets up from the floor and sits in the armchair). And his wife is simply an indecent madam. The madam walks about absolutely starkers and doesn't bat an eyelid, even in front of me, an old woman. She covers her indecent patch with the palm of her hand, and that's the way she walks around. And then she touches bread with that hand at lunchtime. It's simply revolting to watch. She thinks that if she's young and pretty, then she can do anything she likes. And as for herself, the trollop, she never washes herself properly just where she should do. I, she says, like a whiff of woman to come from a woman! And as for me, as soon as I see her coming, I'm straight into the bathroom with the eau de Cologne to my nose. Perhaps it may be nice for men, but as for me, you can spare me that. The shameless hussy! She goes around naked without the slightest embarrassment. And when she sits down she doesn't even keep her legs together properly, so that everything's on show. And -- there, she's well just always wet. She's leaking like that all the time. If you tell her she should go and wash herself, she will say you shouldn't wash there too often and she'll take a handkerchief and just wipe herself. And you're lucky if it's a handkerchief, because just with her hand she smears it all over the place. I never give her my hand, as there's perpetually an indecent smell from her hands. And her breasts are indecent. It's true, they are very fine and bouncy, but they are so big that, in my opinion, they're simply indecent. That's the wife that Foma found for himself! How she ever got round him is beyond me. 1933 -------- Disarmed, or Unfortunate in Love A Tragic Vaudeville in One Act LEV MARKOVICH (Bouncing up to the LADY) Let me! LADY (Keeping him at arms length) Leave me! LEV MARKOVICH (Bumping into her) Let me! LADY (Shoving him with her knees) Go away! LEV MARKOVICH (Gripping her with his hands) Let's, just once! LADY (Shoving him with her knees) Away! Away! LEV MARKOVICH Just one thrust! LADY (Bellowing) No-o. LEV MARKOVICH A thrust! One thrust! LADY (Shows the whites of her eyes). LEV MARKOVICH fumbles around, reaches with his hand for his tool and suddenly, as it turns out, he can't find it. LEV MARKOVICH Wait a minute! (Feels himself up and down with his hands). What the h-hell! LADY looks at LEV MARKOVICH with astonishment. LEV MARKOVICH Well, that's a damn funny thing! LADY What's happened? LEV MARKOVICH Hum ... hmm ... (looks around, completely flummoxed). (Curtain) 1934 -------- How a Man Crumbled -- They say all the best tarts are fat-arsed. Gee-ee, I really like busty tarts, I love the way they smell. Having said this, he started to increase in height and, upon reaching the ceiling, he crumbled into a thousand little pellets. The yard-keeper Panteley came, swept all these pellets up into his scoops in which he usually picked up the horse muck, and he carried these pellets away somewhere to the back yard. And the sun continued to shine as ever and splendiferous ladies continued to smell just as ravishingly as ever. 1936 -------- <"I didn't go in for blocking up my ears..."> I didn't go in for blocking up my ears. Everyone blocked theirs up and I alone didn't block mine and therefore I alone heard everything. Similarly, I didn't blindfold myself with a rag, as everyone else did, and therefore I saw everything. Yes, I alone saw and heard everything. But unfortunately I didn't understand anything and, therefore, what was the value of me alone seeing and hearing everything? I couldn't even remember what I had seen and heard. Just a few fragmentary recollections, flourishes and nonsensical sounds. There was a tram conductor who came running through, followed by an elderly lady with a spade between her lips. Someone said: '... probably from under her chair...' A naked Jewish girl spreads her legs and empties a cup of milk over her sexual organs, the milk trickles down into a deep dinner plate. From the plate, the milk is poured back into the cup and offered to me to drink. I take a drink: there is a smell of cheese from the milk... The naked Jewish girl is sitting there before me with her legs apart, her sexual organs stained with milk. She leans forward and looks at her sexual organs. From her sexual organs there starts to flow a transparent and syrupy liquid... I am going through a big and rather dark yard. In the yard there lie high, heaped up piles of firewood. From behind the wood someone's face is looking out. I know: it's Limonin following me. He's on the watch: to see whether I'm going to visit his wife. I turn to the right and go through the outside door on to the street. From the gateway the joyful face of Limonin is looking out... And now Limonin's wife is offering me vodka. I down four glasses with a few sardines and start thinking about the naked Jewish girl. Limonin's wife puts her head on my knees. I knock back one more glass and light up my pipe. -- You are so sad today -- Limonin's wife says to me. I tell her some nonsense or other and go off to the Jewish girl. 1940 -------- On the Circle 1. Do not take offense at the following argument, for there is nothing offensive in it, unless one does not consider that the circle may be spoken of in a geometrical sense. If I say that the circle describes four identical radii, and you say: not four, but one, then we have a right to ask one another: why? But I don't want to talk about that kind of description of the circle, but of the perfect description of a circle. 2. The circle is the most perfect flat figure. I am not going to say why in particular that is so. But this fact arises of itself in our consciousness in any consideration of flat figures. 3. Nature is so created that the less noticeable the laws of formation, the more perfect the thing. 4. Nature is also so created that the more impenetrable a thing, the more perfect it is. 5. On perfection, I would say the following: perfection in things is a perfect thing. It is always possible to study a perfect thing or, in other words, in a perfect thing these is always something not studied. If a thing should prove to have been completely studied, then it would cease to be perfect, for only that which is incomplete is perfect -- that is to say the infinite. 6. A point is infinitely small and thereby attains perfection, but at the same time it remains inconceivable. Even the smallest conceivable point would not be perfect. 7. A straight line is perfect, for there is no reason for it not to be infinitely long on both sides, to have neither end nor beginning, and thereby be inconceivable. But by putting pressure on it and limiting it on both sides, we render it conceivable, but at the same time imperfect. If you believe this, then think on. 8. A straight line, broken at one point, forms an angle. But a straight line which is broken simultaneously at all its points is called a curve. A curve does not have to be of necessity infinitely long. It may be such that we can grasp it freely at a glance and yet at the same time remain inconceivable and infinite. I am talking about a closed curve, in which the beginning and the end are concealed. And the most regular, inconceivable, infinite and ideal curve will be a circle. 17 July 1931 -------- On Laughter 1. Advice to humourous performers I have noticed that it is very important to determine the point at which laughter can be induced. If you want the auditorium to laugh, come out on to the stage and stand there in silence until someone bursts out laughing. Then wait a little bit longer until someone else starts laughing, and in such a way that everyone can hear. However, this laughter must be genuine and claqueurs, in such an instance, should not be used. When all this has taken place, then the point at which laughter can be induced has been reached. After this you may proceed to your programme of humour and, rest assured, success is guaranteed. 2. Where are several sorts of laughter. There is the average sort of laughter, when the whole hall laughs, but not at full volume. There is the strong sort of laughter, when just one part of the hall or another laughs, but at full volume, and the other part of the hall remains silent as, in this case, the laughter doesn't get to it at all. The former sort of laughter requires vaudeville delivery from a vaudeville actor, but the latter sort is better. The morons don't have to laugh. 1933 -------- On Time, Space and Existence 1. A world which is not can not be called existing, because it is not. 2. A world consisting of something unified, homogeneous and continuous can not be called existing, because in such a world there are no parts and, once there are no parts, there is no whole. 3. An existing world must be heterogeneous and have parts. 4. Every two parts are different, because one part will always be thus one and the other that one. 5. If only this one exists, then that one cannot exist, because, as we have said, only this exists. But such a this cannot exist, because if this exists it must be heterogeneous and have parts. And if it has parts that means it consists of this and that. 6. If this and that exist, this means that not this and not that exist, because if not this and not that did not exist, then this and that would be unified, homogeneous and continuous and consequently would also not exist. 7. We shall call the first part this and the second part that and the transition from one to the other we shall call neither this nor that. 8. We shall call neither this nor that 'the impediment'. 9. Thus: the basis of existence comprises three elements: this, the impediment and that. 10. We shall express non-existence as zero or a unity. Therefore we shall have to express existence by the number three. 11. Thus: dividing a unitary void into two parts, we get the trinity of existence. 12. Or: a unitary void, experiencing a certain impediment, splits into parts, which make up the trinity of existence. 13. The impediment is that creator which creates 'something' out of 'nothing'. 14. If this one, on its own, is 'nothing' or a non-existent 'something', then the 'impediment' is also 'nothing' or a non-existent 'something'. 15. By this reckoning there must be two 'nothings' or nonexistent 'somethings'. 16. If there are two 'nothings' or non-existent 'somethings', then one of them is the 'impediment' to the other, breaking it down into parts and becoming itself a part of the other. 17. In the same way the other, being the impediment to the first, splits it into parts and itself becomes a part of the first. 18. In this way are created, of their own accord, non-existent parts. 19. Three, of their own accord, non-existent parts create the three basic elements of existence. 20. The three, of their own accord, non-existent basic elements of existence, all three together, make up a certain existence. 21. If one of the three basic elements of existence should disappear, then the whole would disappear. So: should the 'impediment' disappear, then this one and that one would become unitary and continuous and would cease to exist. 22. The existence of our universe generates three 'nothings' or separately, on their own account, three non-existent 'somethings': space, time and something else which is neither time nor space. 23. Time, of its essence, is unitary, homogeneous and continuous and thereby does not exist. 24. Space, of its essence, is unitary, homogeneous and continuous and thereby does not exist. 25. But as soon as space and time enter into a certain mutual relationship they become the impediment, the one of the other, and begin to exist. 26. As they begin to exist, space and time become mutually parts, one of the other. 27. Time, experiencing the impediment of space, breaks down into parts, generating the trinity of existence. 28. A split down and existing, consists of the three basic elements of existence: the past, the present and the future . 29. The past, the present and the future, as basic elements of existence, always stood in inevitable dependence, each on the other. There cannot be a past without a present and a future, or a present without a past and a future, or a future without a past and a present. 30. Examining these three elements separately, we see that there is no past because it has already gone and here is no future because it has not yet come. That means that there remains only one thing -- the 'present'. But what is the 'present'? 31. When we are pronouncing this word, the letters of this word which have been pronounced become past and the unpronounced letters still lie in the future. This means that only that sound which is being pronounced now is 'present'. 32. But of course the process of pronouncing this sound possesses a certain length. Consequently, a certain part of this process is 'present', just as the other parts are either past or future. But the same thing too may be said of this part of the process which had seemed to us to be 'the present'. 33. Reflecting in this manner, we see that there is no 'present'. 34. The present is only the 'impediment' in the transition from past to future and past and future appear to us as the this and that of the existence of time. 35. Thus: the present is the 'impediment' in the existence of time and, as we said earlier, space serves as the impediment in the existence of time. 36. By this means: the 'present' of time is space. 37. There is no space in the past and the future, it being contained entirely in the 'present'. And the present is space. 38. And since there is no present, neither is there any space. 39. We have explained the existence of time but space, of its own accord, does not yet exist. 40. In order to explain the existence of space, we must take that incidence when time performs as the impediment of space. 41. Experiencing the impediment of time, space splits into parts, generating the trinity of existence. 42. Broken down, existing space consists of three elements: there, here and there. 43. In the transition from one there to the other there, it is necessary to overcome the impediment here, because if it were not for the impediment here, then the one there and the other there would be unitary. 44. Here is the 'impediment' of existing space. And, as we said above, the impediment of existing space is time. 45. Therefore: the here of space is time. 46. The here of space and the 'present' of time are the points of intersection between time and space. 47. Examining space and time as basic elements in the existence of the universe, we would say: the universe expresses space, time and something else which is neither time nor space. 48. That 'something' which is neither time nor space is the 'impediment', which generates the existence of the universe. 49. This 'something' expresses the impediment between time and space. 50. Therefore this 'something' lies at the point of intersection of time and space. 51. Consequently this 'something' is to be found in time at the point of the 'present' and in space at the point of the 'here'. 52. This 'something' which is to be found at the point of intersection of space and time generates a certain 'impediment', separating the 'here' from the 'present'. 53. This 'something', generating the impediment and separating the 'here' from the 'present', creates a certain existence which we call matter or energy. (Henceforth we shall provisionally call this simply matter.) 54. Thus: the existence of the universe, as organised by space, time and their impediment, is expressed as matter. 55. Matter testifies to us of time. 56. Matter testifies to us of space. 57. By this means: the three basic elements of the existence of the universe are perceived by us as time, space and matter. 58. Time, space and matter, intersecting one with another at definite points and being basic elements in the existence of the universe, generate a certain node. 59. We shall call this node -- the Node of the Universe. 60. When I say of myself: 'I am', I am placing myself within the Node of the Universe. -------- From 'A Tract More or Less According to a Synopsis of Emerson' On an Approach to Immortality It is peculiar to each person to strive for enjoyment, which is always either sexual satisfaction, or satiation, or acquisition. But only that which lies not on the path to enjoyment leads towards immortality. All systems leading to immortality in the end come down to a single rule: continually do that which you don't feel like doing, because every person feels like either eating, or satisfying their sexual feelings, or acquiring something, or all of these more or less at a stroke. It is interesting that immortality is always connected with death and is treated by various religious systems as eternal enjoyment, or as eternal torment, or as an eternal absence of enjoyment and torment. 1939 -------- Letter to the Lipavskys 28 June 1932. Tsarskoye Selo Dear Tamara Aleksandrova and Leonid Savel'evich, Thank you for your wonderful letter. I have re-read it many times and learned it off by heart. I can be awakened in the night and I will immediately and word-perfectly begin: 'Hello there, Daniil Ivanovich, we are completely lost without you. Lyonya has bought himself some new...' and so on, and so on. I have read this letter to all my acquaintances in Tsarskoye Selo. Everyone likes it very much. Yesterday my friend Bal'nis came to see me. He wanted to stay the night. I read him your letter six times. He smiled very broadly, so it was evident that he liked the letter, but he didn't have time to express a detailed opinion, for he left without staying for the night. Today I went round to his place myself and read the letter through to him once more, so as to enable him to refresh his memory. Then I asked Bal'nis for his opinion. But he broke a leg off one of his chairs and with the aid of this leg he chased me out on to the street and furthermore said that if I turn up once more with this drivel he will lie my hands up and stuff my mouth with muck from the rubbish pit. These were, of course, on his part rather rude and stupid remarks. I, of course, went away and took the view that he quite possibly had a bad cold and that he was not himself. From Bal'nis I went off to Yekaterinskiy Park and had a go on the rowing boats. On the whole lake, apart from me, there were two or three other boats. And, by the way, there was a very beautiful girl in one of the boats. And she was completely on her own. I turned my boat (incidentally, you have to row carefully when you're turning a boat, because the oars are liable to jump out of the rowlocks) and rowed after the beauty. I felt as though I resembled a Norwegian and I must have cut a fresh and healthy figure in my grey jacket and my fluttering tie and, as they say, had quite a whiff of the sea about me. But near the Orlov Column some hooligans were swimming and, as I rowed past, one of them just happened to have to swim right across my path. Then another of them shouted: -- Wait a minute, while this cross-eyed and sweaty specimen goes past! -- and pointed at me with his foot. This was very disagreeable because the beauty heard every word. And since she was rowing in front of me and in a rowing boat, as everyone knows, you sit with the back of your head towards your direction of movement, the beauty could not only hear, but she could see the hooligan pointing at me with his foot. I tried to make out that all this had nothing to do with me and started to look to the side with a smile on my face. But there wasn't a single other boat around. And at this point the hooligan shouted again: -- Now what do you think you're looking at? We're talking to you, aren't we? Hey, you, the sucker in the cap! I set about rowing with might and main, but the oars kept jumping out of the rowlocks and the boat only moved slowly. Finally, after an enormous effort, I caught up with the beauty and we got acquainted. She was called Yekaterina Pavlovna. We took back her boat and Yekaterina Pavlovna moved over to mine. She turned out to be a very witty conversationalist. I had decided to dazzle my friends with wit, and so I got out your letter and made a start on reading it: 'Hello, there, Daniil Ivanovich, we are completely lost without you. Lyonya has bought himself some new ...' and so on. Yekaterina Pavlovna suggested that, if we pulled in to the bank, then I might see something. And I did, I saw Yekaterina Pavlovna making off, and out of the bushes there crept a filthy urchin, saying: -- Mister, give us a ride in yer boat. This evening the letter came to grief. It happened like this: I was standing on the balcony, reading your letter and eating semolina. At that moment Auntie called me into the living room to help her wind the c