ble cause to work. SIR TOBY. What wilt thou do? MARIA. I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady, your niece; on forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands. SIR TOBY. Excellent! I smell a device. AGUECHEEK. I have't in my nose too. SIR TOBY. He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she's in love with him. MARIA. My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour. AGUECHEEK. And your horse now would make him an ass. MARIA. Ass, I doubt not. AGUECHEEK. O, 'twill be admirable! MARIA. Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell. Exit SIR TOBY. Good night, Penthesilea. AGUECHEEK. Before me, she's a good wench. SIR TOBY. She's a beagle true-bred, and one that adores me. What o' that? AGUECHEEK. I was ador'd once too. SIR TOBY. Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money. AGUECHEEK. If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out. SIR TOBY. Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i' th' end, call me Cut. AGUECHEEK. If I do not, never trust me; take it how you will. SIR TOBY. Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight; come, knight. Exeunt SCENE IV. The DUKE'S palace Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO, and OTHERS DUKE. Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends. Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song, That old and antique song we heard last night; Methought it did relieve my passion much, More than light airs and recollected terms Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times. Come, but one verse. CURIO. He is not here, so please your lordship, that should sing it. DUKE. Who was it? CURIO. Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the Lady Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house. DUKE. Seek him out, and play the tune the while. Exit CURIO. [Music plays] Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me; For such as I am all true lovers are, Unstaid and skittish in all motions else Save in the constant image of the creature That is belov'd. How dost thou like this tune? VIOLA. It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is thron'd. DUKE. Thou dost speak masterly. My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves; Hath it not, boy? VIOLA. A little, by your favour. DUKE. What kind of woman is't? VIOLA. Of your complexion. DUKE. She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith? VIOLA. About your years, my lord. DUKE. Too old, by heaven! Let still the woman take An elder than herself; so wears she to him, So sways she level in her husband's heart. For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won, Than women's are. VIOLA. I think it well, my lord. DUKE. Then let thy love be younger than thyself, Or thy affection cannot hold the bent; For women are as roses, whose fair flow'r Being once display'd doth fall that very hour. VIOLA. And so they are; alas, that they are so! To die, even when they to perfection grow! Re-enter CURIO and CLOWN DUKE. O, fellow, come, the song we had last night. Mark it, Cesario; it is old and plain; The spinsters and the knitters in the sun, And the free maids that weave their thread with bones, Do use to chant it; it is silly sooth, And dallies with the innocence of love, Like the old age. CLOWN. Are you ready, sir? DUKE. Ay; prithee, sing. [Music] FESTE'S SONG Come away, come away, death; And in sad cypress let me be laid; Fly away, fly away, breath, I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death no one so true Did share it. Not a flower, not a flower sweet, On my black coffin let there be strown; Not a friend, not a friend greet My poor corpse where my bones shall be thrown; A thousand thousand to save, Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there! DUKE. There's for thy pains. CLOWN. No pains, sir; I take pleasure in singing, sir. DUKE. I'll pay thy pleasure, then. CLOWN. Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid one time or another. DUKE. Give me now leave to leave thee. CLOWN. Now the melancholy god protect thee; and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be everything, and their intent everywhere: for that's it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell. Exit CLOWN DUKE. Let all the rest give place. Exeunt CURIO and ATTENDANTS Once more, Cesario, Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty. Tell her my love, more noble than the world, Prizes not quantity of dirty lands; The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her, Tell her I hold as giddily as Fortune; But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems That Nature pranks her in attracts my soul. VIOLA. But if she cannot love you, sir? DUKE. I cannot be so answer'd. VIOLA. Sooth, but you must. Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love as great a pang of heart As you have for Olivia. You cannot love her; You tell her so. Must she not then be answer'd? DUKE. There is no woman's sides Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart So big to hold so much; they lack retention. Alas, their love may be call'd appetite- No motion of the liver, but the palate- That suffer surfeit, cloyment, and revolt; But mine is all as hungry as the sea, And can digest as much. Make no compare Between that love a woman can bear me And that I owe Olivia. VIOLA. Ay, but I know- DUKE. What dost thou know? VIOLA. Too well what love women to men may owe. In faith, they are as true of heart as we. My father had a daughter lov'd a man, As it might be perhaps, were I a woman, I should your lordship. DUKE. And what's her history? VIOLA. A blank, my lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i' th' bud, Feed on her damask cheek. She pin'd in thought; And with a green and yellow melancholy She sat like Patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more, but indeed Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our love. DUKE. But died thy sister of her love, my boy? VIOLA. I am all the daughters of my father's house, And all the brothers too- and yet I know not. Sir, shall I to this lady? DUKE. Ay, that's the theme. To her in haste. Give her this jewel; say My love can give no place, bide no denay. Exeunt SCENE V. OLIVIA'S garden Enter SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN SIR TOBY. Come thy ways, Signior Fabian. FABIAN. Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport let me be boil'd to death with melancholy. SIR TOBY. Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame? FABIAN. I would exult, man; you know he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here. SIR TOBY. To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue- shall we not, Sir Andrew? AGUECHEEK. And we do not, it is pity of our lives. Enter MARIA SIR TOBY. Here comes the little villain. How now, my metal of India! MARIA. Get ye all three into the box-tree. Malvolio's coming down this walk. He has been yonder i' the sun practising behaviour to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! [As the men hide she drops a letter] Lie thou there; for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling. Exit Enter MALVOLIO MALVOLIO. 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me; and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than any one else that follows her. What should I think on't? SIR TOBY. Here's an overweening rogue! FABIAN. O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanc'd plumes! AGUECHEEK. 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue- SIR TOBY. Peace, I say. MALVOLIO. To be Count Malvolio! SIR TOBY. Ah, rogue! AGUECHEEK. Pistol him, pistol him. SIR TOBY. Peace, peace! MALVOLIO. There is example for't: the Lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe. AGUECHEEK. Fie on him, Jezebel! FABIAN. O, peace! Now he's deeply in; look how imagination blows him. MALVOLIO. Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state- SIR TOBY. O, for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye! MALVOLIO. Calling my officers about me, in my branch'd velvet gown, having come from a day-bed- where I have left Olivia sleeping- SIR TOBY. Fire and brimstone! FABIAN. O, peace, peace! MALVOLIO. And then to have the humour of state; and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs, to ask for my kinsman Toby- SIR TOBY. Bolts and shackles! FABIAN. O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now. MALVOLIO. Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up my watch, or play with my- some rich jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies there to me- SIR TOBY. Shall this fellow live? FABIAN. Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace. MALVOLIO. I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control- SIR TOBY. And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then? MALVOLIO. Saying 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech'- SIR TOBY. What, what? MALVOLIO. 'You must amend your drunkenness'- SIR TOBY. Out, scab! FABIAN. Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot. MALVOLIO. 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight'- AGUECHEEK. That's me, I warrant you. MALVOLIO. 'One Sir Andrew.' AGUECHEEK. I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool. MALVOLIO. What employment have we here? [Taking up the letter] FABIAN. Now is the woodcock near the gin. SIR TOBY. O, peace! And the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him! MALVOLIO. By my life, this is my lady's hand: these be her very C's, her U's, and her T's; and thus makes she her great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand. AGUECHEEK. Her C's, her U's, and her T's. Why that? MALVOLIO. [Reads] 'To the unknown belov'd, this, and my good wishes.' Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece with which she uses to seal; 'tis my lady. To whom should this be? FABIAN. This wins him, liver and all. MALVOLIO. [Reads] Jove knows I love, But who? Lips, do not move; No man must know.' 'No man must know.' What follows? The numbers alter'd! 'No man must know.' If this should be thee, Malvolio? SIR TOBY. Marry, hang thee, brock! MALVOLIO. [Reads] 'I may command where I adore; But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore; M. O. A. I. doth sway my life.' FABIAN. A fustian riddle! SIR TOBY. Excellent wench, say I. MALVOLIO. 'M. O. A. I. doth sway my life.' Nay, but first let me see, let me see, let me see. FABIAN. What dish o' poison has she dress'd him! SIR TOBY. And with what wing the staniel checks at it! MALVOLIO. 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity; there is no obstruction in this. And the end- what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me. Softly! M. O. A. I.- SIR TOBY. O, ay, make up that! He is now at a cold scent. FABIAN. Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox. MALVOLIO. M- Malvolio; M- why, that begins my name. FABIAN. Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults. MALVOLIO. M- But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under probation: A should follow, but O does. FABIAN. And O shall end, I hope. SIR TOBY. Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry 'O!' MALVOLIO. And then I comes behind. FABIAN. Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you. MALVOLIO. M. O. A. I. This simulation is not as the former; and yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft! here follows prose. [Reads] 'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them; and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wish'd to see thee ever cross-garter'd. I say, remember, Go to, thou art made, if thou desir'st to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.' Daylight and champain discovers not more. This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man. I do not now fool myself to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-garter'd; and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-garter'd, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript. [Reads] 'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertain'st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.' Jove, I thank thee. I will smile; I will do everything that thou wilt have me. Exit FABIAN. I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy. SIR TOBY. I could marry this wench for this device. AGUECHEEK. So could I too. SIR TOBY. And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest. Enter MARIA AGUECHEEK. Nor I neither. FABIAN. Here comes my noble gull-catcher. SIR TOBY. Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck? AGUECHEEK. Or o' mine either? SIR TOBY. Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave? AGUECHEEK. I' faith, or I either? SIR TOBY. Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad. MARIA. Nay, but say true; does it work upon him? SIR TOBY. Like aqua-vita! with a midwife. AIARIA. If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-garter'd, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me. SIR TOBY. To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit! AGUECHEEK. I'll make one too. Exeunt ACT III. SCENE I. OLIVIA'S garden Enter VIOLA, and CLOWN with a tabor VIOLA. Save thee, friend, and thy music! Dost thou live by thy tabor? CLOWN. No, sir, I live by the church. VIOLA. Art thou a churchman? CLOWN. No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church. VIOLA. So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the church. CLOWN. You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev'ril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turn'd outward! VIOLA. Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton. CLOWN. I would, therefore, my sister had had name, sir. VIOLA. Why, man? CLOWN. Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words are very rascals since bonds disgrac'd them. VIOLA. Thy reason, man? CLOWN. Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so false I am loath to prove reason with them. VIOLA. I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car'st for nothing. CLOWN. Not so, sir; I do care for something; but in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you. If that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible. VIOLA. Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool? CLOWN. No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly; she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings- the husband's the bigger. I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words. VIOLA. I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's. CLOWN. Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun- it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: think I saw your wisdom there. VIOLA. Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee. [Giving a coin] CLOWN. Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send the a beard! VIOLA. By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; [Aside] though I would not have it grow on my chin.- Is thy lady within? CLOWN. Would not a pair of these have bred, sir? VIOLA. Yes, being kept together and put to use. CLOWN. I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus. VIOLA. I understand you, sir; 'tis well begg'd. [Giving another coin] CLOWN. The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin- I might say 'element' but the word is overworn. Exit CLOWN VIOLA. This fellow is wise enough to play the fool; And to do that well craves a kind of wit. He must observe their mood on whom he jests, The quality of persons, and the time; And, like the haggard, check at every feather That comes before his eye. This is a practice As full of labour as a wise man's art; For folly that he wisely shows is fit; But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit. Enter SIR TOBY and SIR ANDREW SIR TOBY. Save you, gentleman! VIOLA. And you, sir. AGUECHEEK. Dieu vous garde, monsieur. VIOLA. Et vous aussi; votre serviteur. AGUECHEEK. I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours. SIR TOBY. Will you encounter the house? My niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her. VIOLA. I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the list of my voyage. SIR TOBY. Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion. VIOLA. My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs. SIR TOBY. I mean, to go, sir, to enter. VIOLA. I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we are prevented. Enter OLIVIA and MARIA Most excellent accomplish'd lady, the heavens rain odours on you! AGUECHEEK. That youth's a rare courtier- 'Rain odours' well! VIOLA. My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed car. AGUECHEEK. 'Odours,' 'pregnant,' and 'vouchsafed'- I'll get 'em all three all ready. OLIVIA. Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing. [Exeunt all but OLIVIA and VIOLA] Give me your hand, sir. VIOLA. My duty, madam, and most humble service. OLIVIA. What is your name? VIOLA. Cesario is your servant's name, fair Princess. OLIVIA. My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment. Y'are servant to the Count Orsino, youth. VIOLA. And he is yours, and his must needs be yours: Your servant's servant is your servant, madam. OLIVIA. For him, I think not on him; for his thoughts, Would they were blanks rather than fill'd with me! VIOLA. Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts On his behalf. OLIVIA. O, by your leave, I pray you: I bade you never speak again of him; But, would you undertake another suit, I had rather hear you to solicit that Than music from the spheres. VIOLA. Dear lady- OLIVIA. Give me leave, beseech you. I did send, After the last enchantment you did here, A ring in chase of you; so did I abuse Myself, my servant, and, I fear me, you. Under your hard construction must I sit, To force that on you in a shameful cunning Which you knew none of yours. What might you think? Have you not set mine honour at the stake, And baited it with all th' unmuzzled thoughts That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom, Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak. VIOLA. I Pity YOU. OLIVIA. That's a degree to love. VIOLA. No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof That very oft we pity enemies. OLIVIA. Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again. O world, how apt the poor are to be proud! If one should be a prey, how much the better To fall before the lion than the wolf! [Clock strikes] The clock upbraids me with the waste of time. Be not afraid, good youth; I will not have you; And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest, Your wife is like to reap a proper man. There lies your way, due west. VIOLA. Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition attend your ladyship! You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me? OLIVIA. Stay. I prithee tell me what thou think'st of me. VIOLA. That you do think you are not what you are. OLIVIA. If I think so, I think the same of you. VIOLA. Then think you right: I am not what I am. OLIVIA. I would you were as I would have you be! VIOLA. Would it be better, madam, than I am? I wish it might, for now I am your fool. OLIVIA. O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful In the contempt and anger of his lip! A murd'rous guilt shows not itself more soon Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon. Cesario, by the roses of the spring, By maidhood, honour, truth, and every thing, I love thee so that, maugre all thy pride, Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause; But rather reason thus with reason fetter: Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. VIOLA. By innocence I swear, and by my youth, I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth, And that no woman has; nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam; never more Will I my master's tears to you deplore. OLIVIA. Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move That heart which now abhors to like his love. Exeunt SCENE II. OLIVIA'S house Enter SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW and FABIAN AGUECHEEK. No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer. SIR TOBY. Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason. FABIAN. You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew. AGUECHEEK. Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the Count's servingman than ever she bestow'd upon me; I saw't i' th' orchard. SIR TOBY. Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that. AGUECHEEK. As plain as I see you now. FABIAN. This was a great argument of love in her toward you. AGUECHEEK. 'Slight! will you make an ass o' me? FABIAN. I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason. SIR TOBY. And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor. FABIAN. She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have bang'd the youth into dumbness. This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd. The double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sail'd into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valour or policy. AGUECHEEK. An't be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician. SIR TOBY. Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the Count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places. My niece shall take note of it; and assure thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour. FABIAN. There is no way but this, Sir Andrew. AGUECHEEK. Will either of you bear me a challenge to him? SIR TOBY. Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the license of ink; if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter. About it. AGUECHEEK. Where shall I find you? SIR TOBY. We'll call thee at the cubiculo. Go. Exit SIR ANDREW FABIAN. This is a dear manakin to you, Sir Toby. SIR TOBY. I have been dear to him, lad- some two thousand strong, or so. FABIAN. We shall have a rare letter from him; but you'll not deliver't? SIR TOBY. Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were open'd and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of th' anatomy. FABIAN. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty. Enter MARIA SIR TOBY. Look where the youngest wren of nine comes. MARIA. If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings. SIR TOBY. And cross-garter'd? MARIA. Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' th' church. I have dogg'd him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropp'd to betray him. He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies. You have not seen such a thing as 'tis; I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him; if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great favour. SIR TOBY. Come, bring us, bring us where he is. Exeunt SCENE III. A street Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO SEBASTIAN. I would not by my will have troubled you; But since you make your pleasure of your pains, I will no further chide you. ANTONIO. I could not stay behind you: my desire, More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth; And not all love to see you- though so much As might have drawn one to a longer voyage- But jealousy what might befall your travel, Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger, Unguided and unfriended, often prove Rough and unhospitable. My willing love, The rather by these arguments of fear, Set forth in your pursuit. SEBASTIAN. My kind Antonio, I can no other answer make but thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks; and oft good turns Are shuffl'd off with such uncurrent pay; But were my worth as is my conscience firm, You should find better dealing. What's to do? Shall we go see the reliques of this town? ANTONIO. To-morrow, sir; best first go see your lodging. SEBASTIAN. I am not weary, and 'tis long to night; I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes With the memorials and the things of fame That do renown this city. ANTONIO. Would you'd pardon me. I do not without danger walk these streets: Once in a sea-fight 'gainst the Count his galleys I did some service; of such note, indeed, That, were I ta'en here, it would scarce be answer'd. SEBASTIAN. Belike you slew great number of his people. ANTONIO.Th' offence is not of such a bloody nature; Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel Might well have given us bloody argument. It might have since been answer'd in repaying What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake, Most of our city did. Only myself stood out; For which, if I be lapsed in this place, I shall pay dear. SEBASTIAN. Do not then walk too open. ANTONIO. It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse; In the south suburbs, at the Elephant, Is best to lodge. I will bespeak our diet, Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge With viewing of the town; there shall you have me. SEBASTIAN. Why I your purse? ANTONIO. Haply your eye shall light upon some toy You have desire to purchase; and your store, I think, is not for idle markets, sir. SEBASTIAN. I'll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for An hour. ANTONIO. To th' Elephant. SEBASTIAN. I do remember. Exeunt SCENE IV. OLIVIA'S garden Enter OLIVIA and MARIA OLIVIA. I have sent after him; he says he'll come. How shall I feast him? What bestow of him? For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd. I speak too loud. Where's Malvolio? He is sad and civil, And suits well for a servant with my fortunes. Where is Malvolio? MARIA. He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He is sure possess'd, madam. OLIVIA. Why, what's the matter? Does he rave? MARIA. No, madam, he does nothing but smile. Your ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come; for sure the man is tainted in's wits. OLIVIA. Go call him hither. Exit MARIA I am as mad as he, If sad and merry madness equal be. Re-enter MARIA with MALVOLIO How now, Malvolio! MALVOLIO. Sweet lady, ho, ho. OLIVIA. Smil'st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion. MALVOLIO. Sad, lady? I could be sad. This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: 'Please one and please all.' OLIVIA. Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee? MALVOLIO. Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand. OLIVIA. Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio? MALVOLIO. To bed? Ay, sweetheart, and I'll come to thee. OLIVIA. God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft? MARIA. How do you, Malvolio? MALVOLIO. At your request? Yes, nightingales answer daws! MARIA. Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady? MALVOLIO. 'Be not afraid of greatness.' 'Twas well writ. OLIVIA. What mean'st thou by that, Malvolio? AIALVOLIO. 'Some are born great,'- OLIVIA. Ha? MALVOLIO. 'Some achieve greatness,'- OLIVIA. What say'st thou? MALVOLIO. 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.' OLIVIA. Heaven restore thee! MALVOLIO. 'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'- OLIVIA. 'Thy yellow stockings?' MALVOLIO. 'And wish'd to see thee cross-garterd.' OLIVIA. 'Cross-garter'd?' MALVOLIO. 'Go to, thou an made, if thou desir'st to be so';- OLIVIA. Am I made? MALVOLIO. 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.' OLIVIA. Why, this is very midsummer madness. Enter SERVANT SERVANT. Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is return'd; I could hardly entreat him back; he attends your ladyship's pleasure. OLIVIA. I'll come to him. [Exit SERVANT] Good Maria, let this fellow be look'd to. Where's my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry. Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA MALVOLIO. O, ho! do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she. 'Be opposite with kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity' and consequently sets down the manner how, as: a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have lim'd her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now- 'Let this fellow be look'd to.' 'Fellow,' not 'Malvolio' nor after my degree, but 'fellow.' Why, everything adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance- What can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked. Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY and FABIAN SIR TOBY. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possess'd him, yet I'll speak to him. FABIAN. Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir? SIR TOBY. How is't with you, man? MALVOLIO. Go off; I discard you. Let me enjoy my private; go off. MARIA. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him. MALVOLIO. Ah, ha! does she so? SIR TOBY. Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How is't with you? What, man, defy the devil; consider, he's an enemy to mankind. MALVOLIO. Do you know what you say? MARIA. La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched. FABIAN. Carry his water to th' wise woman. MARIA. Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say. MALVOLIO. How now, mistress! MARIA. O Lord! SIR TOBY. Prithee hold thy peace; this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him. FABIAN. No way but gentleness- gently, gently. The fiend is rough, and will not be roughly us'd. SIR TOBY. Why, how now, my bawcock! How dost thou, chuck? MALVOLIO. Sir! SIR TOBY. Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man, 'tis not for gravity to play at cherrypit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier! MARIA. Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray. MALVOLIO. My prayers, minx! MARIA. No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness. MALVOLIO. Go, hang yourselves all! You are idle shallow things; I am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter. Exit SIR TOBY. Is't possible? FABIAN. If this were play'd upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction. SIR TOBY. His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man. MARIA. Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint. FABIAN. Why, we shall make him mad indeed. MARIA. The house will be the quieter. SIR TOBY. Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he's mad. We may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see. Enter SIR ANDREW FABIAN. More matter for a May morning. AGUECHEEK. Here's the challenge; read it. I warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't. FABIAN. Is't so saucy? AGUECHEEK. Ay, is't, I warrant him; do but read. SIR TOBY. Give me. [Reads] 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.' FABIAN. Good and valiant. SIR TOBY. [Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.' FABIAN. A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law. SIR TOBY. [Reads] 'Thou com'st to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly; but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.' FABIAN. Very brief, and to exceeding good sense- less. SIR TOBY. [Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me'- FABIAN. Good. SIR TOBY. 'Thou kill'st me like a rogue and a villain.' FABIAN. Still you keep o' th' windy side of the law. Good! SIR TOBY. [Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, ANDREW AGUECHEEK.' If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I'll give't him. MARIA. You may have very fit occasion for't; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart. SIR TOBY. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-baily; so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and as thou draw'st, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twang'd off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earn'd him. Away. AGUECHEEK. Nay, let me alone for swearing. Exit SIR TOBY. Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment b