stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here. I've gotta get outta here. Elaine : Calm down get ahold of yourself. Gentlmn: Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and starts to shake her ) Gntlmn2: Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of this. CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF ! Nun : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . . Everything's going to be alright < SLAP >! Please. Gntlmn3: Sister, I'll handle this. < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP > ( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips waiting to help the woman ) Zealot5: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer punches the man ) Zealot6: Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out of the way ) Zealot7: Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him ) Zealot8: Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Zealot9: Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him ) Zealt10: How about Buddhism? ( Whack! ) Zealt11: Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! ) Zealt12: Scientology? Zealt13: Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! ) Announc: Your attention please! No Frills passengers no arriving please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are coming down the conveyer belt for luggage ) Kramer : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. . . yes, birds too. MCrosky: Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice have we got? That's the whole story there Rex, everything we know. Kramer : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts. As you know I flew with this man during the war. He's going to have enough on his mind without worrying about those times when . . . when things weren't so good. MCrosky: Right now, things aren't so good. Kramer : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a top notch squadron leader a long time ago. MCrosky: I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the approach. So help me, you'll have to talk him right down to the ground. ( Crash ) Kramer : Very well, put Striker on the speaker. MCrosky: Use my radio there. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. ( gulp ) Towergy: Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain. Kramer : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex Kramer speaking. Striker: YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear. Kramer : Alright, its obvious you remember me. What do you say you and I just forget about everything except what we have to do now. Striker: Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the luck there is. Kramer : Standby Striker. Our one hope is to build this man up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can. Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? Striker: NO, never. Kramer : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off) SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no way he can land that plane. MCrosky: (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta talk him down, you gotta. Kramer : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll avoid killing innocent people. MCrosky: You're the only chance they've got. Kramer : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Now, first I want you to get the feel of the plane. Later, we'll run down the landing procedure. Now, I want you to disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't make any violent control movements like you did in the fighter planes. Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot. Kramer : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy compared to a fighter. Don't worry about that its perfectly normal. ( Plane starts to nosedive and passengers begin to panic ) Now one more thing, is there somebody there who can work the radio and leave you free for flying? Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me. Kramer : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat. Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat. Passengr: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth! Rumack : Alright, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing now is that you remain calm. There's no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ). Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill, slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine, they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. Striker : The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" ) Kramer : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something. I know that right now things must look pretty rough up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't have complete confidence in your chances to come out of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what kind of weather are you in up there? Elaine : Rain! Striker: And a little ice. Elaine : And a little ice. Kramer : How's it handling? Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge. Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge. Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine. Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts. Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts. Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Attndnt: Can I get you something? Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly. Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand. Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang. Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive. Attndnt: Ohhhh, good. Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him. Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine. Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the` rebound a de medcide. Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap. Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow. MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better let her know what's going on. Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire. MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this? Johnny : This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . . ( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. ) MSOever: Hello? Towergy: Mrs. Oever? MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever. Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may want to get down here right away. MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone ) I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself out the back door. There's juice in the refridger- ator. ( We see she is sleeping with a horse) Horse : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll. Winey. Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and we`re running out of time. Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello. Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau Manny Motta, motta, motta. Man : How're you doing honey? Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up. Man : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow with wind. " Close the window " ) Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do we start down? Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now. I don't understand it should have been in range 10 minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range, anything yet? Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief. MCrosky: 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course. Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass ensemble begins to play ) MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson? I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how about some more coffee? Johnny: NO THANKS! Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement. Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out? MCrosky: A, half an hour or less. Reportr: Who's flying the plane? MCrosky: One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no cause for alarm. . . Here, take over. Reportr: What kind of plane is it? Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like a big tylenol. Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures. ( Take photos off of wall . . .) ( Various reports from around the world are shown ) TVGUY : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner approaches Chicago. Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say let em crash. Man2 : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am? Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT! ( She the does cocaine ) Striker: How are the passengers doing? Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out of time. Striker: Surely there must be something you can do. Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley. Nun : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little bit . . . Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys ) Rumack : Randy, are you alright? Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married. Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that. Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing? Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up? Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder ) Voice : Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide You'll have to decide... Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4. Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong? Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure. When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan ) Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it takes a pilot that can handle pressure. MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his fault. It could happen to any pilot. Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick. MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta remember who you're dealing with. Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn. Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to think I could land this plane. Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope. Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone who'd never flown before. MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker. Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger. Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath. Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said " The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain made the right decision. The pilot's name was George Zip. Striker: George Zip said that? Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure. Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land. Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit, as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in. Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack says the sick people are in critical condition. And every minute counts. We've got to land now. Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there. Striker: NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer? Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a million. MCrosky: I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese, Towergy: Captain, look at this! MCrosky: Passengers certain to die! Kramer : Airline negligent. Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's! MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower, you Maceias. . . Johnny : Me John! Big tree. Kramer : Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck. Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . . Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land? Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry. Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts. MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious. Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford. MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can get that plane down in time. MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it? MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything we can, now excuse me huh? Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz. ( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen ) Towergy: 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4. Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent. Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the runway ) Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er. Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4 and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. ) Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions. your life jackets are located under your seat. Place the jacket over your head. And when I give the word, pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat cushions are also equipped with a flotation device. Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane knocks down station's transmitter ) Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left for two hours of flying. Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have people up here who will die in less than an hour let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane, but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear down now. Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready. Striker: Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You might get hurt up here. Elaine : Ted, Striker: Yes? Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud. Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land. Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land. Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights except 9er. Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now. MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do. Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . . ( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head. Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field now. ( Dog barks ) MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . . Kramer : Yeah, too quiet. MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over) Striker: There it is. Kramer : There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . . Striker: I know, I know. Elaine : He knows, he knows. Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625, he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down. Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now. Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash- ed. ) Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to fly it out . . . Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . . what an asshole. Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . . Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding. Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're coming in too fast, watch your speed. MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window ) Kramer : You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle. Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down. The break . . . pull the red handle. Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10 Kramer : Push a button. Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . . Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister, its a twister Voice : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . . ( Plane lands safely ) Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all counting on you. Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright? Striker: Yeah, we're okay. Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . . and Ted I just want you to know that when the going got rough . . . Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day, thank you for flying TransAmerican Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line. I was never happy as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head. With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question. Attndnt: Have a nice day. Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . . the best investment in America. ( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off ) THE END!!!!!